Scott Ware Barking At Teammates
by Peter Bean on Dec 23, 2005 11:51 AM CST
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PrintI was reading the LA Times this morning and I caught a mention of our favorite bad mother----- from USC. Scott "The Bull" Ware. The story was about USC's simulation team, the hard working players that never get to play in the game but have to prepare the 1st and 2nd team players for their opponent.
Rarrr!! Get 'em, Scotty! Get 'em!
--PB--
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Bummer
From a rational (at least in my eyes, LOL) Trojan Fan, the real book on Ware is that he's very hard hitter who's decent in pass coverage but not great. I think sometimes he sacrifices coverage in order to make the big hit.
by TrojanMal on Dec 23, 2005 12:13 PM CST reply actions
Uh oh
USC Scout team center suddenly burst into flames on the football field.
AP - California - USC's scout team center was suddenly killed today when he burst into flames. 3 other USC players were sent to area hospitals with 3rd degree burns. Witnesses say that a sudden beam of light shot from Scott Ware's eyes when he fumbled the snap in preparing for USC's next victim, Texas. When questioned about the incident, our colleague in the field melted before him. It is likely that Mr. Ware stared at him for too long.
Just a reminder...
- Scott Ware's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- There's no "I" in team. For that matter, there's not "Scott Ware" in team. So F*** you, team.
- Scott Ware recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- How does Scott Ware make a baby float? One two scoops of ice cream, three scoops of baby.
- Scott Ware's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "NEVER RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF SCOTT WARE! HOW DARE!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
- Scott Ware once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- When Scott Ware plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather shoulder spears to the midsection. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
- When Scott Ware's new girlfriend burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Scott said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his girlfriend asked him how he had done it, he gave her a shoulder spear to the midsection and said, "Never question Scott Ware."
- Scott Ware took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
- Scott Ware sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled hard-hitting ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Scott speared the devil in the midesection and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Scott Ware replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
- Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Scott Ware speared her into a glacier.
- Scott Ware once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
- Scott Ware ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Scott Ware calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and spears them.
- If you can see Scott Ware, he can see you. If you can't see Scott Ware you may be only seconds away from death.
- The chief export of Scott Ware is pain.
- When Scott Ware drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
19.When Scott Ware was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Scott Ware!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
20. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Scott Ware could use to kill you, including the room itself.
21.There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Scott Ware allows to live.
22.Crop circles are Scott Ware's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
- Scott Ware is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Scott Ware has two speeds: walk and kill.
- Scott Ware is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's crap.
- Scott Ware has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is crap!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Scott ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.
- In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Scott Ware, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
- Scott Ware can divide by zero.
- Scott Ware can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- Scott Ware played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Scott Ware coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
- The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Scott Ware punched himself in the face.
- Scott Ware was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
- On his birthday, Scott Ware randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
- Scott Ware invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Do You Know Scott Ware?
"Scott Ware is the father of every kid in this town!"
"Scott Ware once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"
"One time I was with Ware in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Ware goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Scott Ware! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Scottware' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"
"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."
"He sweats Gatorade"
"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."
"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"
"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."
"He sheds his skin once a year."
"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Ware!"
"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."
"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."
"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."
"Scott Ware was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"
"Did I ever tell you about the time Ware took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Ware takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Ware yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"
"Scott Ware had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."
"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."
"They found $60 in change in his stomach."
"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."
"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."
"Ware drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"
"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Ware talk in his sleep."
"He date raped David Bowie."
"He once inhaled a seagull."
"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."
"It was the sight of Ware's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."
"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."
"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."
"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"
"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"
"He has dandruff the size of mice!"
"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"
"Scott Ware was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"
"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."
"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."
"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Ware went hunting? Ware decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Ware. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"Ware once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."
"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."
"Ware once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."
"Ware's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."
"Ware ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Ware was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Ware chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
"He breastfeeds John Madden."
"Ware named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Ware's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"
"They use Ware's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."
"Ware directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."
"All the 'Yes' album covers are Ware family photos."
"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Ware said it would've happened sometime."
"Ware's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"
"Ware still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."
"He thinks the iron man is gay."
"He framed Roger Rabbit."
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Ware - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."
"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
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