Damn you University of Nebraska. In 1981, your scientists took something so holy, so pure and corrupted it. You twisted perfection into something perverted, unrecognizable. This? This is not barbecue. This is wretched. This is a McRib.
What the hell is this? I toil in my backyard for half a day to produce smoky brisket, tender pork ribs, and succulent chicken. Your UN-L scientists, on the other hand, took some meaty parts into your lab, put it into a Play Doh mold and voila, you spawned the McRib. Barbecue wasn't meant to be sped up. The barbecue equation goes like this:
Meat + 225° + smoke + time = Heaven
Your version goes like this:
"Meat" + 400° = Hell
At least you got the onion and pickle part right.
Why did you do it? You scientists at UN-L weren't happy fiddling with just corn? C'mon, you can do a lot with corn. You can roast it... pop it.... I'm sure there's a third thing you can do with it. That's why God put you in Nebraska, to do things with corn. Leave the barbecuing to us Texans. Is that fair? I think it is. When I need a bowl of popcorn and some chilly wind swept plains, that's when I'll give you call.
Fortunately, your days are numbered, McRib. Thank God we can soon rid the world of this madness. Is it a coincidence that Texas meets you on the field the same week as the McRib Farewell Tour begins? No. It's by design.
You should know by now that The University of Texas controls so much more than just the Big 12. Partial Qualifiers? Tip of the iceberg. Eliminating the McRib? That's the other tip, on the other side of the iceberg.