I just have to share my misery. Hopefully, none of you fine people here have the burden of understanding my plight. Read. Enjoy. Laugh. But whatever you do, pity me.
Some things just can't be accurately described. Some good, some bad. Like for example, trying to explain just how good Vince Young really is. You can try, but you will inevitably fall short. Good. My mother-in-laws voice? It sounds like a shrieking monkey. Bad. But is that accurate enough? Can a sound feel like something? How about this: grow out your pinky nail for a couple of months and scrape it upside down on a flint rock. Yeah. That shiver you just got? Me too.
As bad as her voice is, it is not nearly as bad as hearing her have a conversation with Susan, her "special friend", in my living room. Either voice is enough to make a deaf man cringe. But together? Really! I thought vengeance was the Lord's? What did I do to deserve hearing this? But wait, there's more. Combined with the train wreck that was that conversation was the knowledge that it was in my living room. If the walls could talk they would just mumble while slapping their ears on their shoulder. There's a special place in hell for conversations like these. They are recorded and played on a loop for all of eternity for people like Osama, Jeffrey Daumer, and Johnny Knoxville (only for playing the Ringer). I'd rather volunteer at a nursing home changing adult diapers for the clinically comatose dust collectors than listen to another conversation between those two. If I had a dollar for every time either one of them made a smart comment, I'd owe money.
And they don't like going to the zoo?!! You would think they would love to go. It smells just like home. And my mom-in-law can actually communicate with the monkeys. Granted, afterward they all wrap the ropes around their necks to end the madness, but it's a conversation none the less.
I can't be the only one to have a mother-in-law like this. Sure, there are evil in-laws. Sure, there are conniving in-laws. But my mother-in-law is retarded. I'd take my chances with an evil one if I could.