"Yea, though I stumble drunkenly through the valley of the shadow of Dairy Queen, I will fear no Baylor Bear: for KD art with me; thy skillz and thy 7'2" wingspan, they comfort me."

Texas vs. Baylor Gameday Diary, February 17, 2007, Waco, TX

2:17pm - Call PB before departing Dallas to see if he's on the road but he's running late...something about some orphans, a bus on fire, and being one miracle short of getting into Notre Dame's Law School for Boys with Callused Hands...blah, blah, blah.

3:27 - Passing Carl's Corner, home of the Chicken Fried Steak Rub And A Tug Special. I recommend asking for the gravy on the side though.

4:03 - Welcome to Waco, speed limits enforced by God.

4:15 - Walking into George's Big O Deck, rated #17 in Arthur Fromer's Travel Guide to the "Best Places To Get Drunk and Baptized For Less Than $20." Seriously, you can get $2.50 domestics in frozen glasses shaped like the Holy Grail. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure this is where Jesus and his frat had their "First Supper." I'm sure I read it in the Bible some where, check First Corinthians: The College Years.

4:16 - Not halfway through my first cold one and I was approached by a yellow and green clad Baylor fan. He asked me if I was "a friend of Peter?" Considering we were in Waco, I thought this was code for "Have you accepted Jesus into your liver."

Fortunately, he was not looking to save my soul or recruiting for his cult, it was "Bearmeat" and he invited me to come sit with he and his wife who just happens to be a librarian at Baylor. Yeah, no shit, a librarian. Not only was she young and easy on the eyes, but she even drank beer. Can you imagine a librarian drinking beer? I swear, I thought I was on an episode of Myth Busters or Ripley's. As you can imagine, I peppered her with questions galore ranging from are you going to name your first child Dewi to how many copies of the Da Vinci Code have you burned.

In all seriousness, they're good people and I appreciate them for looking out for me. Meat, it was nice to meet you and your lovely wife.

4:25 - Still no sign of PB, but I did have this awkward exchange with Bearmeat's waitress...

Waitress: "Did you buy that beer?"
Me: "No, I leased it."

Apparently, she wanted to know if I was drinking off the Meat's tab or starting my own. After some more pregnant pauses no doubt caused by me staring at her boobs and complimenting her pearl necklace, we finally got things straightened out. And yeah, she was actually wearing a big pearl necklace in a Baylor bar. Irony, thy name is Gretchen.

4:36 - PB, MMHorns, and Church finally arrive (I find it's always good to travel with a guy name Church when on a road trip to Baylor). I think I'm 3 beers up on them until I find out they drank their way up here from Austin. So we're all feeling pretty good, being loud and obnoxious, and just waiting for Bearmeat's wife to tell us to, "shhhhh, keep your voices down."

5:02 - Pearl Necklace is back to take our order...so I ask her what's good here? She says George's famous boneless chicken wings. Gitty-up. She asks me if we want 6 or 10...when I ordered 20 you would have thought I just walked into a Mexican bar and asked for "Bucho."

Only later when they were served did I find out why. No, they weren't cow balls, but they might as well have been. These little portable heart attacks are grilled chicken, jack cheese, and jalapenos wrapped in bacon and fried. Plus they bring you a bowl of ranch dressing in case you care to tempt fate and dance with the Devil.

5:47 - After downing 7 Great Chicken Balls of Fire and doing all I could to keep it down after Pat Green's Wave on Wave aired on the juke box for 17th time, we paid the tab and took off. Don't worry, we put a little extra in for Pearl Necklace so she could tithe well the next morning.

6:07 - Before bidding farewell to the Meat, we asked him where the closest liquor store was, half expecting him to say we were going to need to jump a creek in an Orange Dodge Charger with the law in hot pursuit in order to get some booze. But that would not be the case because right down LaSalle street from the Ferrel Center is a place called "Waco Bar Supply."

Why they call it that, I have no idea. Maybe the people are so repressed that they figure if they're discovered buying liquor there, they can just say, "jeepers no, I just came in here to test out some stools and stock up on marchino cherries."

6:11 - Oh well, mission accomplished. PB, MM and I got a 12er of silver bullets and a traveler of Jack while Church opted for the whole distillery. I think his bottle of Jack came with a set of Highballs and a liquor license.

6:46 - In the Ferrel Center Parking Area now just drinking ourselves shitfaced. Another UT fan pulled up next to us and I rolled down my window to offer him a beer. He rolled his down and said, "no thanks, we brought our own as he cracked open a cool one." God I love our alumni.

6:59 - Flasks securely in boots, we're off to the Golden Tit, I mean the Ferrel Center. We get in unmolested and head straight for the concession stand which is only slightly more high profile and offers the same fabulous selection as the one at my little league baseball field. Though I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the cashier who was wearing a green tie and smiling like a serial killer. I ordered a Coke which they don't have of course. Jack and RC Cola, that's just great. Maybe for dessert Grandpa will give me a Worther's Original.  

7:03 - No sign of Church...he's probably serving cocktails to the backrow Baptists in the Men's Room. Oh well, we had 32 ounces of super market cola laced with team spirit and the entire row in Section 105 to ourselves. Yeah, not exactly a sell-out although I did hear the guy on the radio say it was Baylor's 9th largest home crowd ever...um, yeah. Way to Sic'em bears.

7:16 - Game's started and KD is on fire...5 points and 2 rebounds in the first minute. He's on pace for 100 and 40 until he remembered he was on the cover of SI last week and jinxed himself into bricking like 12 shots in a row.

Right on cue, the Horns then reverted back to their user-friendly perimeter defense and Baylor scored like 15 uncontested 3's. Hey guys, this isn't like 20 years ago when the 3-pointer was considered the tool of the Devil. If you leave Big XII guards open from behind the arc, they will knock'em down (unless their name is AJ who can't hit shit with a shovel.)

7: 23 - On a positive note, we finally found Church face down in a funnel cake, snorting the powdered sugar, and threatening to propose to the real winner of the Miss Fussy Britches pageant, a blonde Baylor cheerleader who was just rocking a pair of green felt pants with chafe-guard, which is nice.

?:?? - The rest of the game is pretty much a drunken debaucherous blur...here's what I think I remember:

• Connor hit a 3 from Crawford to end the first half, but it was disallowed because the refs refused to believe Barnes was dumb enough to call a time-out to devise a play where Atchley takes the last shot.
• Some neanderthal looking Baylor player named Lomers (SP) got like five fouls in 30 seconds and had to be coaxed back to the bench with a Baby Ruth and a promise that the Science Club would build him a girlfriend out of his spare knee brace parts.
• KD put on a free-throw clinic down the stretch to stake the Horns to an 8 point lead with a couple minutes to play only to have PB announce to everyone that Wiggo had big money on the Horns to cover the spread (-6). Not two seconds later, Barnes went to his bench to "say hello to his little friend" JD Lewis.
• Four missed free throws later and the Bad News Bears were 11 seconds and an 8-footer away from Heaven on parkay, but it wasn't meant to be.

Enjoyed it boys,
54b