54b with a trip diary from San Diego.
2007 HOLIDAY BOWL – TEXAS 52, ARIZONA STATE 34
Pretty much how every Texas Fan felt at the conclusion of the 2007 football season when it was announced that the Longhorns would be playing in The Holiday Bowl for the fourth time in eight years...
For those of you who weren't able to attend (or boycotted) the Holiday Bowl, I can’t say as I blame you. This season has been regrettable at worst and forgettable at best. But one thing I’ve noticed over the years following UT and marvel at even now is the uncanny ability of the Longhorns to always find a way to make Texas fans believers all over again just when the majority of us are convinced all hope is lost and the team is at the precipice of total disaster. Mark it down; Longhorns fans rarely ever get exactly what they want, but always seem to get what they need...to keep the faith.
And since most of my fellow Longhorn disciples weren’t on hand for what many pundits hailed as Mack’s requiem on the Escondido, I felt it incumbent to provide you all with disorderly discourse describing just what it was like the day the #19 Texas Longhorns stampeded into San Diego and returned to relevance at the expense of the #12 Arizona State Sun Devils.
To tell the story, I’ve enlisted a number of particularly telling quotes from gameday at the Holiday Bowl in San Diego, CA, 12/27/07. (As always the names have been withheld to protect the not-so innocent, but you can pretty much blame every non-PC phrase you're about to read on PB, his brother, his cousin, my buddy Brad, and at least 90% on me, 54b)
Without any further do-do, I give you...
STAYIN CLASSY IN SAN DIEGO – A QUOTASTROPHE JUST WAITING NOT TO HAPPEN
7 O’clock Hour – Hungover and operating on about four hours of sleep while lamenting some poor decisions made in the GasLamp District the night before.
"Damn it, I left my credit card at that Moose McGillycuddy bar."
"Well, the moose out front should have told you...it was probably the tequila shots."
"Shut up, wait, what, we had tequila shots last night?"
9 O’clock Hour – Every diehard Longhorn fan I know has a gameday routine based on some stupid superstition. Some fans eat the same breakfast before every game, some won’t leave for the stadium until they’ve dropped the deuce in their lucky toilet...I go for a run. Your head hurts like hell with every step, but it helps with anxiety and you end up sweating out most of what you drank the night before.
"Where’d you go?"
"See anything good?"
"I ran into the Holiday Bowl Parade and saw a huge ass aircraft carrier."
"There’s a parade for the Holiday Bowl...is it like the Rose Bowl?"
"No, it’s like Top Gun for band nerds."
11 O’clock Hour – Restored to a moderate level of lucidity, we embark for the game aided in no small part by a few wondrous technological advancements...unfortunately, as we’d soon learn, no amount of technology can reverse the effects of prolonged brain cell deterioration or overcome the thoughtless endeavors of the terminally incompetent.
(Ring-ring) "Hey Sweety, what’s up?"
"Nothing, I just called because you forgot to call last night. How’s San Diego?"
"Whoops, well, the weather’s awesome, I feel like I’m gonna hurl, and we’re at a store called Ralph’s buying beer."
"Forget this, let’s use the self-check out lane."
(Automated Check-out Machine) "Holla, uno momento por favor por identificacion."
"What the hell?"
"Nice, you just tried to buy beer in Spanish...the lady has to see your ID before you can finish the transaction."
"Approaching expressway...Merge left...Your other left...Exit in 3.7 miles...Make a U-Turn when safe to do so...You have arrived at destination."
"Is it just me or is the GPS chick’s voice dead sexy?"
"No doubt, she’s like the perfect woman...she never yells at you when you’re lost, she never has to go to the bathroom, and she always knows the way to the nearest Taco Bell."
12 O’clock Hour – By the grace of God and the Hertz’ Neverlost system, we arrive at Qualcomm stadium...a sterile, concrete jungle surrounded by scorched Earth.
"Welcome to Qualcomm Stadium, that’ll be $15."
"$15? Seriously? Does that mean we can park anywhere?"
"Yeah, as long as it’s not roped off or reserved."
"Okay, thanks...oh wait, do you know where we can buy sunglasses?"
"No, any other questions?"
(From the backseat) Is it true that San Diego in German means Whale’s Vagina?"
"Man, I hate tailgating at pro stadiums, it’s just not like tailgating at DKR."
"And the beer isn’t as cold, the women aren’t as hot, and there’s no creek for me to pee in."
1 O’clock Hour – Still four hours to kick-off, but it has become abundantly clear that Longhorn fans are vastly outnumbered and most assuredly not welcome in SoCal.
"Have you noticed that there’s like 30 ASU fans for every UT fan?"
"Yeah, I think the guys at the Alamo had better odds."
(Politely) "Excuse me, but why are you (ASU Fan) giving us the shocker?"
(Indignantly) "It's not the shocker, it's a pitchfork."
(Jokingly) "Well, that’s not what your wife said."
(Not Jokingly) "Go *$&% yourself."
(Sarcastically) "Thank you very much...don’t forget to wash your pitchfork."
"Did you see that bumper sticker on that RV...This Devil's savior is the son of a Carpenter."
"Oh yeah, ASU’s QB’s name is Rudy Carpenter. But he’s not even fit to be an Alter Boy."
"I don’t get it, every ASU fan I’ve run into has acted like a jerk. We’ve never even played them before."
"Well, what did you expect from the Texas Tech of the Pac 10?"
3 O’clock Hour – Somehow the few Texas fans who did make the trip managed to find each other and congregate on one end of the parking lot. It was readily apparent that most of us had never met before today, which was actually kind of cool because it gave us a chance to meet some new and very interesting people.
"Hi, name’s Travis, but I go by the Hollywood Texan (gives me his business card), just drove down from LA."
"That’s cool, you’re a musician...you in a band?"
"Yeah, I play a little."
"I wish I was in a band, they get all the chicks."
(Laughing) "I do all right...I was with this one girl who you used to go out with Mathew McConaughey and she said I was better kisser than he is."
"You should put that on your business card."
"Yeah, maybe I will."
"It’d be a lot cooler if you did."
"Where’d you go?"
"Me and my cousin went to go play beer pong."
"Did you win?"
"I don’t know but we got drunk as hell."
4 O’clock Hour – You can always tell when it’s getting close to gametime...the parking lot is buzzing and so our most of the fans. Plus, the lines at the port-o-potties make you remember real well just how many 12 ounce curls you’ve done that day.
"Game’s about to start, I don’t want to miss the flyover."
"Okay, but I gotta piss first."
"Can’t it wait, look at the lines."
"No worries, I’ll just tell the Arizona State fans they better hurry cuz John McCain’s throwing out the first pitch."
(Sadly, this actually made sense and was funny to us at the time.)
"Got your ticket?"
"Yeah, can’t believe we got these seats for below face."
"Ooh, watch out, the guards at the gate have jackets that say, ELITE, on them."
(Passing through the gate facetiously) "Glad I didn’t bring a flask, only the best of the best get through Checkpoint Carlos."
1st Quarter – Armed with enough liquid courage to storm the Bastille, we took our seats...but in all reality, we were just happy to be here. No real expectations for what was to come. As far as we were concerned, we’d already won because we’d made it the last UT game for the next eight months.
"Dude, I think our noseguard just scored a TD."
"Score!!!...wait, is Colt McCoy black?"
"That’s John Chiles, dumb ass."
"Holy crap, we’re kickin’ ASU’s ass."
(ASU Fan sitting behind us) "There’s plenty of time left, watch, we’ll come back. We always come back."
"Yeah, but you live in a desert."
NOTE: Some explanation is probably required here...at one of GasLamp bars the night before, the "you live in a desert" response was uttered by a drunk Texas fan who was being heckled by a bunch of ASU fans. It makes no sense, but we thought it was hilarious and we pretty much yelled it every time an ASU fan got uppity with us.
2nd Quarter – Pretty much in the spirit world by now thanks in no small part to the frat pack in front of us who came fully loaded with whiskey and played pass the flask every time UT scored.
(Frat guy sitting in front of me) "Are you in a Frat?"
"Dude, I’m 34 years old."
"You want some Jack?"
"Sure, why not."
(While drinking from his flask) "Yeah, take a man’s pull."
"Thanks, I really needed that."
"You wanna be in our frat?"
(Me screaming like Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers) "What the hell ref...it ‘posed to be my ball, our ball...this is crap-crap-crap."
(ASU Fan screaming like a little boy with a new toy) "See, I told you...here comes the comeback."
(Me screaming back like Chris Farley "down by the river") "YEAH BUT YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!!!"
NOTE: Very few fans in the stadium, if any, knew that Mack’s stepson allegedly touching the ball in bounds was the reason the call got overturned.
(ASU Coed sitting with the Frat Pack) "This is no fair...we’re supposed to be beating you."
(Me butting into their conversation) "Don’t worry...after the game, I’m sure he’ll take you back to the hotel and love you up real good."
(Her) "Um, yuck, is he in your fraternity?"
(Frat guy) "Yeah, he just pledged."
Halftime – With three game’s worth of excitement already transpired, apparently it wasn’t enough I apparently wasn’t satisfied with the San Dimas High School Dance Team and their halftime performance.
"Dude, why is he (54b) dancing down there (right in the middle of the walkway in front of our section)?"
"He said he could dance way better than those girls on the field."
"Well his leg kicks are impressive."
3rd Quarter – Even though there are two quarters yet to be played, things are starting to slow down and the seats around us are starting to empty. Couldn’t have been something I said could it?
"I love it when Colt does his VY impression...well, except for the fumbling part."
"Yeah, I can just imagine when Colt scrambles, all the other players go, ‘oh shit, loose ball drill.’"
"Is there anything better than sitting behind the band?"
"Yeah, sitting behind the cheerleaders."
"Oh I don’t know, I think that Tuba player chick would look pretty good in a pair of chaps."
"Wearing them or being ridden by somebody wearing them?"
"Good Lord, look at Rudy Carpenter...it looks like he’s bleeding and his shirt is all ripped up."
"Yeah, he better file a restraining order against Orakpo before he gets turned into fried whale shit."
4th Quarter – Somehow, we’ve managed to drink ourselves sober. Qualcomm has cut off beer sales (three quarters too late if you ask the lady sitting behind us) and the ASU folks are literally no where to be seen.
"You can’t stop Jamaal, you can only hope to contain him."
"You think Charles will turn pro?"
"No, he’s still too small and he needs another year to work on holding on to the ball."
Note: Okay, maybe we weren’t that sober yet...Jamaal, it’s been fun.
(Showing me the screen on his digital camera) "Dude, check out this hot girl I just met out on the concourse."
"Um, dude, she’s holding a kid."
"Yeah, I know, I used the baby to start up a conversation and take her picture."
"Stay classy San Diego."
"Hey, where did Brad go?"
"He went over behind the ASU bench to heckle the coach?"
"Yeah, isn’t that him? Look about the 35 yard line, about 10 rows up."
"What is he yelling?
"I think he said, ‘HEY DENNIS, YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!’"
Stay classy, Longhorns and...