Elective torture, that’s really the only way I know how to describe what it’s like watching the Texas Longhorns protect their number one ranking week after week. Seriously, I’m pretty sure I have full-blown Stockhom Syndrome because I’m completely and unabashedly loyal to that which torments me every hour, minute, and second of the day. All I can think about is Texas Longhorns Football...at work, at home, awake, asleep, even in flagrante delicto (you try to perform when imagining your goalpost is being torn down).

With so much at stake, perspiring minds what to know. How can any team possibly go undefeated playing four Top Ten teams in a row?  How can Colt McCoy maintain this Captain Insano completion rate? How can Muschamp defeat the spread if he’s counting the bread Clemson’s waving under his nose? And most importantly, does Mack Brown use Grecian Formula or Touch of Gray? I want the truth even though I’m not emotionally stable enough to handle it.

And considering most Texas fans probably promised the All Mighty that they’d never ask for another thing if UT could just beat then #1-ranked OU, I figure after trouncing former #11-ranked Mizzou and narrowly avoiding an upset last weekend to beat #7 OSU 28-24, most Longhorns fans are on the precipice of moral bankruptcy. During the last play of the OSU game, I actually said three Hail Mary’s to make sure no Poke caught Zac Robinson’s Hail Mary. It’s not healthy and I seriously don’t know how much more I can take.

So where do you turn to when you’re not feeling well and displaying symptoms that could very easily get you a suite at the Funny Farm or at least an excused absence from work? Well in today’s economy with health insurance being what it is, you turn to the internet of course and according to 3-Day-Weekend.com, the following excuses, I mean behaviors are possible symptoms that just may precipitate...

A Nervous 54breakdown

(Of course, like most of you, I’m still in denial...so let’s just see if they apply.)

Disinterest in work – Does spending all day breaking down Mike Gundy YouTube videos for “offensive” tendencies really constitute a lack of interest?

Disinterest in social life – Not even on your birthday. In fact, I just spent my wedding anniversary surrounded by 200 drunk strangers at a tailgate trembling in the port-a-potty deathly afraid to talk to anyone for fear they would jinx the Horns.

Sleep disruption – Hey, lots of people talk in their sleep...waking up in a cold sweat and screaming, “You come after me. I’m a man, I’m 40!” is perfectly natural. 

Significant changes in appetite – No, not really, I pretty much pop a Zoloft and chase it with a shot of Jack Daniels at every meal.

Paranoid thoughts – Listen here, tt’s not paranoia if every team really is out to knock you off.

Persistent anxiety or panic attacks – Whatever, I’m as cool as cucumber in a Cuisinart...as sound as a pound of C4 silly putty...rest assured I’m like Bevo in a china shop.  

Hearing voices – Sorry to interrupt you, can I call you back? I got some guy name Obi Wan holding on line two. 

Seeing people who are not there – Okay, so maybe Boone Pickens wasn’t in my bathroom trying to convince me that I could make millions harnessing the power of my butt as a renewable energy resource, but wind power is the future people, especially if you’ve just had the No. 1 Combo at Guero’s.  

Exhibiting violent anger – Some fans use a cowbell, I like to use bullhorn. WTF.

Having flashbacks to a prior traumatic event – 4th and 1 from the goal line...Colt McCoy on a QB keeper...what is that burning sensation in my neck? Is it getting hot in here?

Increasing dependence on alcohol – Like I told the Mrs., I’m not drinking anymore before the games. Of course I’m not drinking any less either.

Inability to pursue a normal life – If having your wife dress up like one of Bevo’s handlers, inject you with a mild sedative, and lead you around the neighborhood on a leash for Halloween isn’t normal, then I don’t know what is.

Seriously, if your last three weeks have been anything like mine, then your hairbrush probably looks like a Chia Pet and your pants have never fit so well. I got your celebrity detox diet right here, it’s called a 4-week BCS enema. And since my heart is about to explode, I figure it’s high time I subscribe to the “if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be” philosophy before I start crying blood. And sure, that’s just a cereal box religion way of saying “I can’t take much more of this sh*t,” but it seems to be helping.

Here’s an example: One of the most stressful moments for me during the last game happened when McCoy fumbled the ball midway through the 4th quarter. With barely a four point lead and plenty of time left, that turnover might as well have been The Seventh Sign. But think about it this way...if Colt doesn’t fumble and UT goes on to kick a field goal on 4th down, then OSU probably gets the ball back (after another crappy kick-off) in fairly good field position only down by 7. Instead, they had to go 90 yards, which is far more daunting than 50 or 60 and the Horns were able to stop them and maintain field position. So maybe that fumble was a good thing and just the way it was meant to be.

Now of course if that fumble led to a game winning TD drive for the Cowboys, I probably would have been carried out of DKR on a stretcher with an IV of nitroglycerine sticking out my arm because I can assure you no amount of Transcendental Masturbation would have helped at that point. Wait, did I say that right, forget it. Regardless of whatever coping agent you use to get through the week, with another top 10 match-up awaiting us this Saturday, we’re all going to need some help making it through the...

Next Game

For whatever reason, playing Texas Tech reminds me of playing games against my little brother when we were kids. The pint-size pain in the ass would talk sh*t all game long, yet complain to mom whenever he'd start to lose. And after I'd thoroughly trashed his smack talking-ass, he would invariably run away with his middle finger extended yelling, "you suck, pick on someone your own size ya loser." And of course, on the rarest of occasions when mini-me would actually win, he'd run around screaming until my mom agreed to let him dial long distance so he could do his best Al Michaels "do you believe in miracles" impression for our Grandpa. Needless to say, just like playing my little bro, Texas Tech isn’t much fun whether you win or lose.   

Now it's looking like the little Raider-red-headed stepchild has all growed up. Just like in 2005, Tech comes into the game undefeated and ranked in the Top 10. A lot of credit for their high ranking could be due to a soft schedule, but there’s no arguing against the fact that Leach’s extremely effective Air Raid offense, the same one that was once dismissed as gimmicky and too one dimensional, now seems to be a prototype much of college football is now trying to emulate. And don’t look now, but the Red Raider defense can jump up and pop you in the mouth too.

One thing that hasn’t changed though is how you beat Texas Tech and that’s ball control and winning the turnover battle. Fortunately for Texas fans, Colt McCoy has proven time and again that he can sustain drives with his arm or his legs and finish drives. On defense for UT, it’s an “all hands on deck” approach. Muschamp is going to have to rotate several players, especially on the D-Line, and I hope Mack Brown even gives him the power to call time-outs. Sometimes when you’re playing against no-huddle offenses that’s the only way to stop them once they get rolling. It happened a lot against OU and OSU’s first TD, a 25 yard run down the sideline, was a clear case of UT’s defense not being in position before the snap. It’s not that you can afford to burn timeouts on a whim, but in a tight game where one score can make the difference, I’d at least give Muschamp the option. Plus, with Tech’s adventures in place kicking, I’d love to see the Texas D force the Tech offense to go the length of the field and hopefully trade TD’s for FG attempts. 

So can the Horns pull off the Super Quad and beat four Top 10 teams in a row? I think that capricious prognostication is best left for the...

Unpredictable Prediction

Dear #1 Ranking,

I know you wanna leave me,
But I refuse to let you go
If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy,
I don't mind coz' you mean that much to UT

Ain't too proud to beg, sweet rankin’
Please don't leave me now, don't you go
Ain't to proud to plead, BCS, baby
Please don't leave me, now, don't you go

Sincerely,

Texas 48
High Plains Grifters 37

Tailgate Update

Did you know Lubbock (Who Run Barter Town?) used to be the biggest “dry” city in the country (Double-T-totalers)? And while it is permissible to sell alcohol “by the drink” in bars and restaurants (“Mel, kiss my Schlitz), liquor stores and packaged sales are still forbidden (On the Lame-o Estacado). So if you want to buy beer on your way to the game (Longhorns vs. Herd Burglars), you’ll need to head south (to Brown town?) to the area known as “the Strip” (superfluous luminescence) located at Hwy 87 and 98th Street (Increase your BAC in BFE).

As for actually tailgating (Consumption Junction), try the lot located at 19th and Indiana just west of the United Spirit Arena (We drink spirits yes we do, we drink spirits, how ‘bout you). For those of like me (54broken hearted) who won’t be able to make the trip out for the game (sorry, Rudy), it’ll be on ABC and kick-off is slated for 7pm (Welcome to primetime, Bevo). 

Quoteworthy

Texas DB Ryan Palmer on being ranked #1 for the last 3 weeks...

"We've been spoiled. It can be a distraction, because everyone is starting to love you and you get more attention. You lose a couple of games, and nobody will love you anymore."

I’ll still love the Longhorns win or lose...especially if they come visit me in my padded cell.

Hook’em,
54b