You know, stuff...

by 54b on Mar 19, 2008 9:32 PM CDT in Basketball Comment 11 comments

Seeing how it's Christmas Eve for hoops junkies and because I know so many of you found my public restroom exposé so enlightening, I thought it only appropriate that I provide some sage advice to the bewildered BON reader who's waiting until the last minute to fill out his or her office pool bracket.

Unfortunately, my college basketball acumen rivals only that of "Rasha" the prognosticating pachyderm and I'm afraid I'm only able to advise you on which teams NOT to pick. Sure, it's a little like using the Socratic method to devise your last minute Christmas shopping list but with me, at least you don't have to pay extra to expedite shipping.

Anyway, if any of the following applies to a team you're considering taking to the next round, chances are good you can and should cross them off of your "Big Dance" card:

The team must travel across three timezones to play their opening round game thus subjecting its players to airline food and maybe even some nocturnally amorous passengers.

The team is often referred to as the "Fave Five" because they were highly recruited and appear in the head coach's unlimited cell phone plan.

The school's name is either derived from a combination of diametric points on a compass or named after a scandalous TV preacher.

The team's starting point guard is actually a werewolf with unbelievable basketball skills...unfortunately, he refuses to change into "the Wolf" during the game for ethical reasons.

Ken Pomeroy scraps the Pythagorean Theorem in favor of the Law of Diminishing Returns to calculate the team's expected winning percentage.

You have to go to Wikipedia to look up the school mascot's relevance and when you do, it reads: (See Claustrophobic Marsupials).

The team's SOS actually got stronger after they played the School For The Blind because the SFTB had a higher field goal percentage.

Due to budget cuts, the school's band consists of just two electric keyboardists who play nothing but Duran Duran covers.

The last time the team cut down a "net" was when they helped the lunch lady avoid messing up her new perm.

The school turns out some of the best Urologists in the country and the students are often heard chanting, "Go Peay!"

That's all I got...good luck with your picks and enjoy the next two days of sports-filled bliss.

--54b--

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9 and 10

I really enjoyed those two. For some reason I got a very vivid and graphic visualization after reading number 9.

by UTAth on Mar 19, 2008 9:46 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

#8 & #4

Are they referring to the same school?

{Jeopardy music plays in the background, while others search for the common thread...}

Disclaimer: I may be wrong.

by Shake on Mar 19, 2008 10:54 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

I tried to find something in the lyrics...

... but they just don't really go with the big dance. I am horribly disappointed by that.

Go boom, mothers. Please, just go boom.

by Horn Brain on Mar 19, 2008 11:19 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hungry Like the Wolf

That's the only one I could come up with. I'm guessing that's why Shake put #8 and #4 in the same boat.

I don't know who #4 is referring to exactly. Is Adam Emmenecker hairy? That's the only one I can think of.

by UTAth on Mar 19, 2008 11:38 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I'm guessing you guys aren't Gen X

Here's a link and explanation for #4...but if it needs this much explanation, prepare to be let down

werewolf

Be nobody but yourself in a world that desperately wants you to be like everybody else.

by 54b on Mar 20, 2008 5:56 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Wolf....Wolf....Wolf...

Nicely done 54b. I think the problem is that some folks are trying to find the team associated with each of the items in your list. Not me....I'm just on my way to do a little van surfing, possibly with some backflips.

And kudos to UTAth for being hungrly like a wolf.

Disclaimer: I may be wrong.

by Shake on Mar 20, 2008 7:22 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

hungrly

Google it...

{waits while someone actually does Google it}

Disclaimer: I may be wrong.

by Shake on Mar 20, 2008 7:23 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I think you're right

And that's sort of what I set out to do, but just like when I filled out my brackets, it became very clear that I really know nothing about 92% of these teams.

I think I need to go hibernate, call me in August when Football season starts again.

Be nobody but yourself in a world that desperately wants you to be like everybody else.

by 54b on Mar 20, 2008 7:57 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs