Checked out ESPN's Big XII Notebook today. Just a few interesting tidbits before bedtime. Also, to make them even more drowse-inducing, I'll relate them all to physics concepts...
1.) The Law of Conservation of Freakish Wide-Receivers:
The loss of Adarius Bowman (you may remember him as "Why didn't we recruit that fast touchdown kid?!?") should have been a crushing blow to the hilariously over-funded Cowboys. Unluckily for Longhorns fans' blood pressure, however, this obscure physical principle has instantly healed Artrell Woods (soon to be known by similar howls of rage), whom doctors thought would never walk again! Does this sound the least little bit conspiratory to anyone else? I hate the Universe...
2.) The Mangino/Earth Desirability Relationship:
As the desirability of a recruit prospect to other coaches decreases, that recruit's desirability to Mark Mangino will increase proportionally. The same goes for food.
In this case, the kid gets accused of assaulting a 15 year-old girl, then loses his offer to Clemson. Then Texas Tech screams "Christmas!" and offers him, only to find out that he doesn't qualify academically...
So he's done, right? Surely no one has lower admissions standards than Texas Te-Oh, wait here's Mangino:
"I think we did everything we possibly could," Mangino told reporters on signing day. "We feel very confident in him. ... He needs a chance. He needs an opportunity, and I think he'll make the most of it."
I've had Mangino over to the house, and this is exactly the way he is with leftovers. I'm throwing away expired milk and he'll ask for a sniff before guzzling the stuff. Just replace "him" with "the milk" in the above quote and that's basically what he told me.
3.) The Second Law of Coaching Dynamics:
The total strangeness in the Big XII coaching ranks is a strictly increasing function in time.
Wow, we've got lots of data points, here.
a.) First there's Dan Hawkins' Colorado Vacation. Is there anyone you would feel less safe driving around the Rocky Mountains in a big, top-heavy vehicle than this guy? I can just imagine this:
Mrs. Hawkins: Hey, Dan, honey, why don't we stop at the next gas station? I need to take a break.
Dan: Go in the back, babe, we're making great time, here! Why'd we shell extra for the toilet if we aren't going to give that little porcelain baby a spankin' once in a while?
Mrs: (Yuck.) Uh, Honey, I think we need to just get out of the RV for a few minutes. You're sweating a hole right through the back of your shirt, dear. I honestly think you could take a few more breaks while we're on the road.
Dan: Breaks? You want to take a few more breaks? Well, let me tell you something, sweetie-sugar...
(You knew it was coming, guys.)
Scene: Now Dan proceeds to lose control of the RV and flip it off a thousand-foot cliff.
Come on, Colorado. You can put a stop to this. We're talking people's lives here, brotha! Buffs don't let Dan drive impassioned!
b.) We've also got Bob Stoops squirming under the lights as reporters grill him over giving up the second-greatest highlight of all time*. Bob brings up Kirk Gibson's home run as his personal favorite, but we all know what he was saying:
"My favorite highlight was Kirk Gibson's home run, not that anyone was asking," Stoops said. "What he did after sitting on the bench the whole game was pretty amazing."
What's that Bob? You know as well as I do that saying something is "pretty amazing" is coach-speak for accusing someone of being "roided out of his F---in' mind!" in baseball nowadays. Sly, cunning bastard. Stoops probably figured he could slip out the back of the room in the short moment it would take for all of the reporters to unpack their pitchforks and light their torches. That's low even for you, Bob. Maybe you should attend one of Mike Leach's defensive camps this offseason. No, not that kind, the kind where you blame the refs or your DC or your players. This is not how the Big XII works, Bob. Shame, shame...
c.) Finally: Welcome, Mr. Art Briles, to the Big
Top XII! I see that you'll fit in nicely:
Briles recruited several Canadian players while at Houston and is excited about bringing what is thought to be the first Canadian player to Baylor's roster.
"These kids come in very mature, very hungry and very grateful," Briles said. "Coming from Canada to the United States and the Big 12 for them is like walking out of Luby's and finding a $100 bill, so all of a sudden, they feel good."
Bravo, sir. You haven't even played your first spring game and you've already spoken about Canadian kids like you would international students from third-world countries, not to mention you've just called Canada Luby's. What does the $100 bill make us, though? Five or six trips to Outback Steakhouse? Yeah, that sounds good.
The Big Twelve Athletic Conference:
No Rules, Just Right!
*This is just until Vince Young dies. Then it will be third-best, behind the Miracle on Ice and new number one - Vince Young's life.