Just when you thought you had enough to worry about – gas prices, global warming, guards defecting to the NBA – now we get this news report out of Africa where police in the Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
Considering the barrage of emails I receive daily from enterprising entities promising to help me “unleash the monster in my boxers” through pharmaceutical means, I actually found it refreshing to read about some guys offering to shrink your dink for free.
Not that I’d ever advocate penile theft, but given the ridiculous amounts of money being made in the name of penile enlargement, not to mention the rather extreme and inconvenient side-effects which may occur should your erection last longer than 4 hours, I think these “sorcerer” guys could be on to something. They’re not bad guys, no, they just need a better agent and some decent marketing, maybe even a catchy jingle, something like...
If there's something strange
Going on with your wood
Who ya gonna call?
If it’s hard for 4 hours
and it don't look good
Who ya gonna call?
Even better, chances are good these weenie wizards won’t need an unlicensed nuclear particle accelerator to exorcise your dick-demon and with no need for proton pack or storage overhead, they’ll be able help your head for less. So when someone questions the veracity of the statement: “Everything was fine until Dickless here popped a little blue pill,” you can confidently reply, “yes, it’s true, this man has no dick, thanks to Dickbusters."
Okay, now that I have you at attention and now that basketball season is officially over and baseball is in the toilet, let’s get down to the real reason for this post. It’s time to decide...
THE OFF-SEASON THEME
Last year I waged a merciless propaganda campaign to raise awareness for the often misunderstood business of beauty pageants by infusing every story, diary, and comment I posted with rhetoric revealing bits and pieces of the pageant underworld. Sure I knew nothing about duct taping boobs or putting vaseline on your teeth and yeah, it was a thinly veiled cry for relief from the torment and anxiety of another insufferable off-season awaiting the much anticipated return of my true passion, sweet-sweet clean college football, but I got through it damn it and so did you.
I know there were some hiccups, like the time Ms. South Carolina failed miserably trying to expound upon Americans’ lack of geographic awareness. Hey these things happen. And where did you turn when you needed a place to vent your frustrations and fears about propagating contestant stereotypes and pageant backlash, that’s right, the BON. The BON was there for you and now you need to be there for the BON (well at least of the 54BON anyway)...
So I put it to you BONers, we need an off-season posting theme and we need one now.
A few thought starters to get you started:
1) Fortune Telling
2) Internet Dating
3) Bee Keeping
Really it can be any topic provided it’s broad enough that we can find a wealth of background information about it to paint ourselves as pseudo-experts on the subject and correspond coherently, well semi-coherently anyway. Topics like "Dick Shrinking Sorcery" and "Midget Cover Bands" would be fun, but there just isn't enough material to last us until the fall. Or is there? I don't know, so let's hear some themes.
Anyway you’re all welcome to join my attempt to make it to August 30 having included some reference to our chosen theme in every story, diary, or comment I post. Think of at as the BON's version of a loyalty program where only the most frequent patrons of this site are in on the chirade. And you won't even have to wear Members Only jackets to be in the club, though that would be awesome. PB, we need jackets, STAT.
If we get a lot of great theme ideas, we'll put it to a vote.
That's it for now, theme me.