Robert Parker is the dean of all wine critics, and is known for his colorful descriptions of vintages using such rococo terms as “finesse and elegance with near-beefy depth,” or “blue-tinged, almost like roasted lilacs,” or our personal favorite, “as ash-heavy and skunky as the carcass of a freshly flamethrown wildebeest.”¹

Therefore, we borrow his mojo for some jarring flavor combinations of our own:

1. What type of wine is your football team? A San Gimignano, with Mack Brown as Teruzzi & Puthod: recently restored to prominence after a long slumber of irrelevance defined by its inability and unwillingness to adapt to the modern palate. Now adapted, its inherent advantages once again magnify its ability to compete at the highest level.

2. Your best vintage–year, and describe in wine-y terms. 2005: for the once-in-a-lifetime harvest at the game's most important position, producing a bold, irresistible flavor that both challenges and heightens the senses, while culminating in an empowering intoxication that undulates through mind and body alike.

3. Robert Parker reviews your arch enemy. Go. Oklahoma: as though Franzia had discarded the box concept in favor of used kerosene drums, a repugnant combination of biting acidity and malodorous toxins, packaged for sale to the lowliest lifeforms on Earth.

4. Describe yourself in wine terms. Like the enjoyable bottle of wine that only costs $10: accessible, simple, and without much pretense.

See you tonight when you click here to listen at 8 p.m. CDT.

¹Not actually true in fact, but in spirit it reads like Parker.