None of Us is All of Us

So, crashing things into the Moon has been taking up slightly more of my time than I expected.  I've let you guys down with my less-than-real stat dump over the summer, and I had nearly given up on my Horn Brain Poll of Unlimited Vagary and Speculation project when I realized how much I've been slacking off around here.  That deserves a quick kick in the face, and instead of dragging my carpal-tunnel ridden carcass into bed tonight, I'm going to hash out my latest incarnation of the HBPoUVaS.  The catch is, I feel that, three weeks along, we should now be able to back up our ballots with at least a few data points.  That's right, people, we've entered the realm of nearly-palpable reasoning when it comes to comparing football teams.  Very soon I will be backing up these ballots with statistical breakdowns of the major media and computer polls, and very soon many of you will stop clicking through to read the rest of my posts...

The Quasi-Hebdomadary Horn Brain Poll of Illimitable Vagary and Speculation

Now with 18% more vocabulary words!

Rank Horn Brain's Picks Why You Don't Deserve Better:

1

USC

No longer am I biased.  This ranking

rings truer than an aluminum bat

rebounding from Pete Carroll's crotch

after Ray Maualualualualaugugla

returned that INT.  Ok, you deserve

better.

2 Oklahoma

Showed signs of being not awesome

for two quarters against Cincy.  Why

are they all bigger than us?

3 Florida

Gators trade spots with OU while they

wait the requisite two weeks to hang

dry their jorts in that humidity.

Tebow turned Ike away.

4 Missouri

Defense looks ok, now.  Perhaps just

surprised by Juices new mastery of

chucking the ball towards the endzone

in Week 1.

5 Georgia

Honestly?  I just think they'd beat Texas.

Otherwise they'd be lower.

6 Texas

Most disappointing 29 pt win ever.

7 South Florida

You carried your kicker off the field.

I'll carry you into the Top 10.  There's

really no separation beyond the Top 5

yet, now that I look at it.

8 LSU

Haven't beaten anyone yet, but they're 

always scary.  Once they lose they can

drop down further, but until then, still

scary.

9 Auburn

Does Auburn really deserve this spot,

or am I just playing a game with myself

to see how long I can keep them here?

I want to see more 3-2 games.

10 Texas Tech
Owr Defnse isu nstppobale 4 SMOO!
11 Brigham Young

Ok, I know they struggled a bit against

Washington, but Chuck Norris must

have rubbed his beard on their linemen

after the game.  Or maybe someone

gave them a Mountain Dew in practice.
12 Wisconsin

I don't blame you for beating Fresno,

I blame Fresno for not beating you when

they had the chance(s).

13 Oregon

Didn't have their QB killed in 2 OT.  Now

that's what I'm talking about. Oops.

14 East Carolina

Was Tulane a letdown?  Or were WVU

and VT just that bad?  I'm guessing

more letdown/we rock too much for

practice than completely poor comp.

15 Penn State

Scoring points is the best way for you to

not look like you're in the Big 10.

16 Ohio State

Flop.  This is where you land.  Now just

lose to Michigan and the transformation

will be complete.  tOSU:  As boring as

we look!

17 Utah

Utah could have saved me four hours of

DVR space if they'd opened at tOSU

instead of Michigan.

18 Wake Forest

Won't see many better QB's than Snead

all year.  I'm leaning off the side of this

wagon, just in case, however.

19 Fresno State Coulda, woulda, shoulda, didn't.
20 Kansas

Would have won that game at home.

Let's hope our 'Horns are sharper in

Lawrence.

21 West Virginia
Pat White just can't get a break.
22 Oklahoma State

Texas Tech (most years) with a

ground game.

23 Alabama

Looked good against Clemson, then

looked bad again, then played a neon

gumdrop.  You stay down here until you

make up your mind.

24 TCU

Playing offense like they needed to last

year.

25 Nebraska

#25 is becoming my "give 'em a chance"

spot for this poll.

I'll keep my review confined to the very top, since that's all that's really clear.  I'd like to see anyone who is of the opinion that USC shouldn't be #1 right now put something in the comments, because I'm having a hard time thinking of a real challenger.  Oklahoma we can tell will be elite this year.  Florida Missouri, and Georgia are all kind of in limbo as we still need more from them to decide between them.  I think Florida should be ahead of Georgia right now, but I have no idea where to put Missouri.  I did this rather haphazardly, so by all means point out what you don't like and I'll see if it makes sense to me.

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