None of Us is All of Us

by Horn Brain on Sep 16, 2008 2:34 AM CDT in Football Comment 7 comments

So, crashing things into the Moon has been taking up slightly more of my time than I expected. I've let you guys down with my less-than-real stat dump over the summer, and I had nearly given up on my Horn Brain Poll of Unlimited Vagary and Speculation project when I realized how much I've been slacking off around here. That deserves a quick kick in the face, and instead of dragging my carpal-tunnel ridden carcass into bed tonight, I'm going to hash out my latest incarnation of the HBPoUVaS. The catch is, I feel that, three weeks along, we should now be able to back up our ballots with at least a few data points. That's right, people, we've entered the realm of nearly-palpable reasoning when it comes to comparing football teams. Very soon I will be backing up these ballots with statistical breakdowns of the major media and computer polls, and very soon many of you will stop clicking through to read the rest of my posts...

The Quasi-Hebdomadary Horn Brain Poll of Illimitable Vagary and Speculation

Now with 18% more vocabulary words!

Rank	Horn Brain's Picks	Why You Don't Deserve Better:
1	USC	No longer am I biased. This ranking rings truer than an aluminum bat rebounding from Pete Carroll's crotch after Ray Maualualualualaugugla returned that INT. Ok, you deserve better.
2	Oklahoma	Showed signs of being not awesome for two quarters against Cincy. Why are they all bigger than us?
3	Florida	Gators trade spots with OU while they wait the requisite two weeks to hang dry their jorts in that humidity. Tebow turned Ike away.
4	Missouri	Defense looks ok, now. Perhaps just surprised by Juices new mastery of chucking the ball towards the endzone in Week 1.
5	Georgia	Honestly? I just think they'd beat Texas. Otherwise they'd be lower.
6	Texas	Most disappointing 29 pt win ever.
7	South Florida	You carried your kicker off the field. I'll carry you into the Top 10. There's really no separation beyond the Top 5 yet, now that I look at it.
8	LSU	Haven't beaten anyone yet, but they're always scary. Once they lose they can drop down further, but until then, still scary.
9	Auburn	Does Auburn really deserve this spot, or am I just playing a game with myself to see how long I can keep them here? I want to see more 3-2 games.
10	Texas Tech	Owr Defnse isu nstppobale 4 SMOO!
11	Brigham Young	Ok, I know they struggled a bit against Washington, but Chuck Norris must have rubbed his beard on their linemen after the game. Or maybe someone gave them a Mountain Dew in practice.
12	Wisconsin	I don't blame you for beating Fresno, I blame Fresno for not beating you when they had the chance(s).
13	Oregon	Didn't have their QB killed in 2 OT. Now that's what I'm talking about. Oops.
14	East Carolina	Was Tulane a letdown? Or were WVU and VT just that bad? I'm guessing more letdown/we rock too much for practice than completely poor comp.
15	Penn State	Scoring points is the best way for you to not look like you're in the Big 10.
16	Ohio State	Flop. This is where you land. Now just lose to Michigan and the transformation will be complete. tOSU: As boring as we look!
17	Utah	Utah could have saved me four hours of DVR space if they'd opened at tOSU instead of Michigan.
18	Wake Forest	Won't see many better QB's than Snead all year. I'm leaning off the side of this wagon, just in case, however.
19	Fresno State	Coulda, woulda, shoulda, didn't.
20	Kansas	Would have won that game at home. Let's hope our 'Horns are sharper in Lawrence.
21	West Virginia	Pat White just can't get a break.
22	Oklahoma State	Texas Tech (most years) with a ground game.
23	Alabama	Looked good against Clemson, then looked bad again, then played a neon gumdrop. You stay down here until you make up your mind.
24	TCU	Playing offense like they needed to last year.
25	Nebraska	#25 is becoming my "give 'em a chance" spot for this poll.

I'll keep my review confined to the very top, since that's all that's really clear. I'd like to see anyone who is of the opinion that USC shouldn't be #1 right now put something in the comments, because I'm having a hard time thinking of a real challenger. Oklahoma we can tell will be elite this year. Florida Missouri, and Georgia are all kind of in limbo as we still need more from them to decide between them. I think Florida should be ahead of Georgia right now, but I have no idea where to put Missouri. I did this rather haphazardly, so by all means point out what you don't like and I'll see if it makes sense to me.

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