Tebow Apologizes, Resumes Place at Right Hand of God

Tim Tebow apologized Monday for shucking the media after his dismal performance on Saturday, proving once again that he is the greatest leader in the history of...well, history. Clearly buckling under the pressure of leading the Florida Gators football team - itself the greatest assemblage of football warriors ever to grace the field - Tebow sulked around the locker room until most of the media had left, and then quietly slipped off into the night, eager to return to work on the off-field passion that consumes him: Editing the Holy Bible for factual errors.

Urban Meyer, head football coach at Tebow U., offered some encouraging words for his guiding light, attempting to help the young man shake some of the pressure he feels.

"Clearly, he's under a lot of pressure," Meyer said. "He could be putting so much pressure on himself that it's bogging down our offense. If he would just lighten up and stop making so many mistakes - pick-sixes, fumbles, getting tackled, that sort of thing - then maybe we could make some real progress."

After thinking for a moment, Meyer added, "You know, that puts a lot of the burden on me. As coach, you've got to be pretty much a genius to work through the issues that we're having around here. I'd just like a little help, that's all. There's no reason I should get all the glory. It's his team, and I just want him to shoulder some of the load."

Tebow, sitting next to his coach, looked relieved. "That's really all I want," he said. "I want to be the guy with the ball, on every play - offense and defense. And that other one, too - where they kick the ball really high. I've been working on this new play, it's kind of a jump-pass-slash-kick-slash-punt return kind of a deal. I'm really working on being able to, number one, punt a nice, high spiral, and number two, run down the field fast enough to catch the ball and run with it."

Meyer smiled and nodded approvingly, obviously glad that his QB was finally taking the reins. "I think if I can get that play down," Tebow added, "then I can really let some of the other guys get a well-deserved rest.

After the press conference, reporters stood in line, quietly talking amongst themselves, waiting to be blessed by the men in blue. Meyer and Tebow moved slowly down the receiving line, shaking hands and talking softly into the ears of each person. Many were moved to tears; one particularly grateful young lady, a heavy camera slung around her neck, wept openly before collapsing to the hard, cold floor, awash in the light that only Tebow can radiate.