A year of waiting anxiously has led to this very moment. Like a stray dog scooped up and throw into the chain linked box of stench and incessant barking at the local shelter, your life dwindled into a hopelessness of white noise and fatigue. You once had a warm home with a loving family. You remember. When you first got there, they had a nice little dog house on the back porch with your name etched proudly above the door. The neighbor kids would come over and play with you in the yard, getting down on all fours, giggling, smiling. After a long walk in the park, you would be given a fresh bowl of crunchy food and maybe even a few ice cubes in your water. The children would beg to give you a delicious treat before bed for which you will gladly spin around and sit.
From there it only got better. As time passed, and the love of your home endured, life became more casual and your presence more accepted as a part of the daily routine. Soon, the chili nights spent out in your wooden abode turned into a cozy spot on a wool dog bed in the den. Not long after, you found yourself nestled between your owners’ legs in their king size bed. The basic dry dog food became a mix of the wet stuff, often sprinkled with some cheese. Eventually dinner was a t-bone on the nice china. Time went by, pampering persisted, and one day you found yourself limp on the couch, fat with pride, watching Maury until the family returned from work and school.
With the months passing of continued canine euphoria, you overheard the grand plans your owners had for the near future. There was talk of a big new house, some new friends, even better food, maybe even a wide open range to romp around in all day, chasing squirrels and drinking from the hose. And just when your hopes reached as high as they could go – CRASH, BOOM. What just happened? You felt something, though you’re not sure what it was, and suddenly you are standing in the street looking back at the house that is now riddled with broken windows, peeling paint and a car that apparently swerved from your once cute suburban street and through the picket fence, across the lush grass and into the now burning family room. All hell has apparently broken loose.
As you stare bewildered, a snotty little kid comes over and kicks you in the face. Next your volleyball team blows a two set lead to lose the national championship. A semi speeds by, running over your tail. Your star quarterback gets knocked out of the title game and your football team goes down in the most horrific way possible. A storm breaks out in the distance and a tornado tosses you into a steaming pile of manure at the neighboring farm. The basketball team goes from undefeated and ranked #1 for the first time to spiraling into a free fall for the second half of the season and loses in the first round. Here comes the mean dog catcher, chasing you around town with his net and tranquilizer gun. Baseball dominates the majority of the regular season, winning 20+ games in a row and collapses at the last possible moment, getting knocked out at home by that other Texas school. A piano falls from the sky, crushing every bone in your body.
So now here you are, peering into the other cages across the way, sulking alongside other desperate pets who have lost their way. It was a long summer spent waiting for this time to redeem the repeated beatings for a shot of glory once again. But no. Your family hasn’t come looking for you. There are no more steak dinners, no down comforters. No walks in the park.
Wait, what’s this? In the corner of this dark, ugly prison is a faint and familiar sound. You know what it is. Listen…
"Well folks, buckle up for another showdown of unbeatens."
It’s Musburger. It’s college football. It’s WEEK SIX.
Highlights from WEEK 5:
Oklahoma State 38, Texas A&M 35
Are you the type of person that can laugh at the expense of utter Aggie devastation in the malfunction of their little golden boy in the conference opener in Stillwater, even after your own team has shown complete ineptitude this season? Because I think I am that type of person.
#10 Auburn 52, Louisiana-Monroe 3
That buzz about Cam Newton being crazy strong and fast and [BURP] and stuff translated in -11 rushing yards in a 49 point plunder. Those yards, or lack thereof, were due to one sack in the second quarter where Newton got up, said f*** this, and proceeded to throw the ball really far 14 times.
Iowa State 52, Texas Tech 38
This one being posted directly beneath Gene Chizik's bucket of blood is no coincidence and contains some kind of irony that I will leave to you to identify and explain.
Baylor 55, Kansas 7
My theory of the Jayhawks struggling to find themselves like a chubby little emo kid in eyeliner is upheld as Baylor- LOOKOUT! The teams that were almost completely screwed in the collapse of the Big XII are chasing us! Oh no, now they have Kent Hance and they're eating his old, wrinkly flesh! RUN!
#24 Michigan State 34, #11 Wisconsin 24
Mark Dantonio has been in the hospital the past couple of weeks since God punished him for cheating, but he is better now. In fact, he now has a robotic transplant and is ready to kick some Rich Rod ass.
#12 LSU 16, Tennessee 14
Derek Dooley keeps his promise to me that every game this season will continue to be wildly entertaining. Les Miles breaks his promise to just act cool when escaping by the skin of his teeth.
If you know not of what we speak, Orson recounts it well with "A".
Colorado 29, Georgia 27
In a game defined by two coaches fighting for their jobs, Buffs fans stormed the field after beating a 1-3 team in a slow, borific manner with close to nothing happening in the last 12 minutes, which allowed the entire student section to get totally baked and make a collective decision to storm the field. Actually, I wouldn't doubt it if this were true and that is why Colorado has a special place in my heart.
#1 Alabama 31, #7 Florida 6
Not-so-bold prediction: The Tide may very well slaughter all living creatures in its path to Glendale where they will dismantle and urinate upon either tOSU or Oregon or Boise St. in what turns out to be one of the worst seasons in college football ever. And by worst, I mean the kind of season we watch every minute of.
#3 Boise State 59, New Mexico State 0
May it be noted that this game means absolutely nothing in reality. Yet still, the season total win margins of 708-82 will be lumped together in a 3rd grade diorama of glitter and craft sticks created by Lou Holtz and placed on high where
the whole nation Idaho can look upon the majestic grocery store spaceship ride season that was the 2010 WAC schedule.
#4 Oregon 52, #9 Stanford 31
Chip Kelly puts up 50+ on a very good Trees team and still finds the energy to tell Erin Andrews about Jim Harbaugh having a sleepover at Pac-10's house. Larry Scott stands his ground, cracks his whip, and whispers, "Go Ducks".
Washington 32, #18 USC 31
For the first time this season, Kiffy-kins did not attempt a two-point conversion and lost to the Jake Lockers by a single point. There's really not much to say.
Key Match-Ups for WEEK 6:
Thurs, 6:30 PM CT #7 Nebraska at Kansas State
Prediction: Neb - 12, KSU - 10
Sat, 2:30 PM CT #1 Alabama at #19 South Carolina
Prediction: Bama - 24, USC - 20
2:30 PM CT #11 Arkansas vs. Texas A&M*
Prediction: Ark - 38, A&M - 6
2:30 PM CT #17 Michigan State at #18 Michigan
Prediction: MSU - 48, Mich - 52
6:30 PM CT #12 LSU at #14 Florida
Prediction: LSU -∏, Florida - 34
7:00 PM CT #23 Florida State at #13 Miami (FL)
Prediction: FSU - 12, Miami - 41