While trying to get my mind off of the multiple disasters that have befallen us this season, I often turned the channel to find another form of entertainment - but it only made me wonder how Hollywood might portray the story of the 2010 Longhorns.
1. Citizen Kane. The film opens, and we see a close-up of Mack’s lips as he mutters his final word, “Rosebowl.” A crystal trophy rolls from his dead fingers, falls to the ground and shatters. The rest of the film is a retrospective. We see his rise to fame as he builds a football dynasty, only to see it come crashing down around him as he stubbornly holds on to his under-performing minions, and isolates himself from the truth. Clap clap clap. In the end we realize that “Rosebowl” is only a memory from long ago that gets tossed onto a pile of burning hopes.
2. Superman. Burnt orange Kryptonite causes Garrett Gilbert to lose most of his powers. Still able to throw at super speed, he fires a pass that skims off the fingertips of no less than three receivers, and flies off into orbit, causing the earth to reverse its rotation, and sending us back in time. Given a second chance, Lois Lane doesn’t die, but for some reason, Greg Davis continues to call the same shitty plays that didn’t work the first time around.
3. The Godfather. Bevo’s head winds up in Greg Davis’s bed. The campus police rule it a suicide.
4. The Wizard of Oz. The Horns get blown away in Kansas. Mack manages to drop a house on the wicked witch of the cornfield, but winds up in Muschampland, where it seems that bone-crunching defense has been replaced by the Lollipop Guild. He and his staff set off to desperately search for their lost brains, heart and courage. In the Emerald City, Mack pulls the curtain back, and finally realizes that Greg Davis is a fraud. He was only pretending to be a wizard, hiding behind the extraordinary talent of players like Vince Young, Colt McCoy, and Jordan Shipley.
5. Unforgiven. Written by Greg Davis. Directed by Greg Davis. Starring Greg Davis.
6. Casablanca. Mack says to Greg, “If that plane leaves the ground, and you’re not on it we’ll all regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but….aw, shit, Greg, just get on the plane and get the hell out of here." We’ll always have Pasadena (the ’05 and ’06 versions, anyway).
7. Star Wars. A long time ago, in a stadium far, far away. These are dark times for the rebellion. Darth Davis threatens to destroy the forces of good with his ultimate weapon, the evil Death Playbook. Rebel forces (as well as all the other teams on the schedule) have managed to “steal” the technical plans for the Playbook, which apparently contains only three shitty and easy-to-defend plays. Help us, Apple-White Kenobi. You’re our only hope.
8. Apocalypse Now. The Horror. The Horror.
9. Titanic. This one really doesn’t need a synopsis, does it?
10. Gone with the Wind. The Conference is on the verge of civil war. As the season breaks out, the Longhorns loudly proclaim that they are gonna whup them other teams. After a few surprisingly difficult battles, the Horns are stunned by a surprise attack from the west. They subsequently get pummeled by almost every team north of the 40 acres. The only thing left to fear is Sherman’s impending march that will leave a path of devastation from College Station to Lake Travis. But frankly, my dear, I no longer give a damn.
Yes, I’m bored. Any other suggestions?