Annual ritual telling of the Aggie jokes
by LonghornEm on Nov 21, 2010 8:01 AM CST
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Well folks, it's that time again. We're playing the Aggies on Thursday, and that means it's time for a (short) week of true stories about Aggies we've known hilarious jokes at little brother's expense. Post 'em here if you got 'em. I'll get us started:
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could you do this to a fellow Aggie?"
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At the end of the night, an Aggie turns to his girlfriend and asks
“Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?” His girlfriend responds, “Because I’m a prostitute.”
Troll Hunter
Current Kills: 2
Two Aggies go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home, they’re really depressed. One Aggie turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other Aggie says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
Hook 'em Horns
by LonghornWSO on Nov 21, 2010 8:38 AM CST reply actions 1 recs
Two aggies are out fishing and had a really good day.
One says they should come back to the same exact spot the next morning. The other asks how they will know if they’re in the same spot. The first one pulls out a can a spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat and says, “Easy – we just ride around until we find this X.”
An aggie asked to be buried at sea.
Five aggies drowned digging his grave.
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in College Station?
If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Hook 'em Horns
So many Alabama jokes can overlap
What’s an Aggie say after sex?
Get up pa, you’re crushin’ my smokes.
undefeated in Sun Belt play
Did you hear about the Aggie who won a gold medal in the Olympics?
He liked it so much he had it bronzed.
Big Bill "You never lose a game if the opponent doesn't score." Darell K. Royal
by Hook em Titans on Nov 21, 2010 10:35 AM CST reply actions
Why don't Aggies count sheep?
It’s hard to fall asleep with a boner.
Be nobody but yourself in a world that desperately wants you to be like everybody else.
by 54b on Nov 21, 2010 12:36 PM CST reply actions 9 recs
Why do Aggie shepherds take their sheep to the edge of a cliff?
They push back better.
How did the Aggie find the sheep in the tall grass?
Very satisfying.
"You never lose a game if the opponent doesn't score." - Darrell Royal
by BMC237 on Nov 21, 2010 1:01 PM CST reply actions 2 recs
How many Aggie freshmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Its a sophomore class.
Eight Walls
<> a new MMA blog from Fantake
by kriess on Nov 21, 2010 1:42 PM CST reply actions 3 recs
What do you get when you cross an Aggie and a pig
Nothing. There’s some things even a pig won’t do.
"Well, a guy did a Horns down to him. You just shouldn’t do that."
Three men, strangers to one another, are drinking in a bar and engaged in idle talk.
After a while, one says to another, “You’re a Texas graduate, aren’t you?” The second man says, “yes, how did you know?” The first man replies, “I could tell by your command of language and your confident demeanor.” The second man says to the first, “You are a Baylor graduate, aren’t you?” The first man says “yes, how did you know?” The second man replied, “You have a logical, very precise mind.” They both look at the third man and ask, “You went to Texas A&M, didn’t you?” The third man said, “yes, how could you tell?” They reply: “We saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”
What we have here is a failure to execute.
Q: Where was O.J. Simpson headed in the white Bronco?
A: College Station, Texas. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.
What we have here is a failure to execute.
by dimecoverage on Nov 21, 2010 2:25 PM CST reply actions 6 recs
Did you hear about the Aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus?
He burned his lips on the tail pipe.
"It's all bullshit, and it's bad for 'ya." -George Carlin
Can I play too?
Don't let the bastards get you down. Even the burnt orange ones.
by Hopkins Horn on Nov 21, 2010 4:20 PM CST reply actions 6 recs
Like I Am The 12th Man...
You could tell this to someone and they would think it is a joke. But it isn’t.
What we have here is a failure to execute.
by dimecoverage on Nov 21, 2010 5:09 PM CST up reply actions
An elementary school teacher moved to Bryan and was worried that the locals might not like her.
To make a good first impression, on the first day of class she explains that she’s an Aggie fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Aggie fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
Because I’m not an Aggie fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: “Well, if you’re not an Aggie fan, then who do you support?”
“I’m a Texas fan, and proud of it,” Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why are you a Texas fan?”
“Because my mom went to Texas and my dad went to Texas and someday I will too!”
“Well,” said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, that’s no reason for you to be a Texas fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Mary said, “I’d probably be an Aggie fan.”
undefeated in Sun Belt play
by LongCat on Nov 21, 2010 4:48 PM CST reply actions 4 recs
In case you want some musical entertainment with your jokes.
What we have here is a failure to execute.
by dimecoverage on Nov 21, 2010 5:05 PM CST reply actions 1 recs
What happens to Aggies who are caught molesting the farm animals?
They have to stand up at football games.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. If they get mad, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.
by Caradoc on Nov 21, 2010 8:00 PM CST reply actions 2 recs
Hear about the Aggie who locked his keys in his car?
Took him an hour to get his family out.
by TKO on Nov 22, 2010 7:06 AM CST reply actions 1 recs
Why are the corps uniforms made of polyester?
It’s impossible to find virgin wool within 200 miles of College Station.
If that is a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.
by LonghornEm on Nov 22, 2010 7:53 AM CST reply actions 1 recs
This was a great idea. Thanks!
What we have here is a failure to execute.
by dimecoverage on Nov 22, 2010 9:57 AM CST up reply actions
sure thing
nothing makes you feel better like Aggie jokes!
If that is a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.
Em, you're a genius.
Also, how much fun is it that we get to spoil their good season rather than vice versa. Obviously, I’d rather be the one to have a season to spoil, but I’m going to enjoy the upset if we pull it off.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
I burst out laughing every time I see your sig line now.
And I agree.
If that is a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.
Good, then objective achieved.
I am acutely aware of the possible judgement I made myself susceptible to from the uninitiated, but I decided your emjoyment of my sig line and the accompanying pic was worth it.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
"emjoyment" Sweet unintentional pun.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
Where the
bloody ‘ell have you been? Don’t you know this is aggy week? Lord GAWD man,,forget the books and the girls. It’s aggy week! Get your priorities straight. There are trolls and roids crawling through BON and ,,you are correct sir. The best comeback to an aggy ever,,,75-36-5.
On my signal,,,Unleash Hell,,,and Fire Greg Davis,,please?
I feel consumed by the last push of the semester
But you are correct, it’s aggy week and we need to put some incest farmers in their place! I’ll be back as much as possible.
you can do eet!
"I'm not playing favorites. All my favorites have graduated." - A. Lemons
by Paleface Horn on Nov 22, 2010 6:06 PM CST up reply actions
Aren't you glad
you don’t have to study for finals? Or write the sevengazillionth paper? Or hell even show up for class on Monday? Work is detrimental enough to a family/social life. I cannot imagine being back in an actual “graded” learning environment. On the other hand..there was nothing like going home with the car loaded to the gills with dirty laundry and having someone else take care of it, waking up around noon to homecooked food that someone else had homecooked just for me, drinking Dads scotch ( he had the really good stuff that as a student I couldn’t afford),,those days were pretty sweet. Can’t believe I lived through them.
On my signal,,,Unleash Hell,,,and Fire Greg Davis,,please?
I have nightmares about still being in school.
"I'm not playing favorites. All my favorites have graduated." - A. Lemons
by Paleface Horn on Nov 23, 2010 8:30 PM CST up reply actions
Still have that one that you find out you signed up for a class that you forgot about and never went so you ended up with an F?
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
It feels like that might have happened...
…except I didn’t forget about the class I just thought it was gonna be a cupcake. Gonna have to kick some A to get a B in at least one class.
An Aggie, a Red Raider and a Longhorn
are in Saudi Arabia when they get in a drunken brawl over football. The standard punishment is 20 lashings with a camel whip, but since the offenders are American, they are taken before the Crown Prince. The CP says they will get the standard punishment, but since they are Americans they will be granted one wish before the lashings proceed.
To the Aggie, he says: “I really don’t like A&M. You have weird traditions and costumes. You’re pretty much objectionable all around. You’re first, what’s your wish?” The Aggie says, “I’d like to have a pillow strapped to my back.” As the whipping proceeds, the pillow is shredded and the Aggie’s back is soon also.
Turning to the Red Raider: “I don’t care for Tech either. The sand in Lubbock is of a very low quality, and the football is not much better. You’re next, what’s your wish?” Seeing that the Aggie’s pillow didn’t hold, the Red Raider says, “I’d like to have two pillows strapped to my back.” The whip cuts just as easily through the second pillow and soon the Red Raider’s back is flayed open just like the Aggie’s.
Turning to the Longhorn: “What’s up with the Horns this year? Totally SMH. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll get it straight. I love the Horns too, but you still must be punished. How about two wishes first?” The Longhorn says, “Thank you very much your excellency. I would like to receive 40 lashings instead of the standard 20. And strap that Aggie to my back!”
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
by Magnificent Bastard on Nov 22, 2010 3:52 PM CST reply actions 3 recs
An Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Rice Owl go on a drunken bender in Mexico
They end up trashing a few novelty carts and assault a number of cops. The locals are exceedingly angry and the three are sentenced to 10 years of solitary confinement. The judge wants to show compassion, so he tells the three that they can all have one wish to take with them before they’re locked up.
The Longhorn (of course) asked for a woman, so the judge found a strapping young senorita and locked the two away. The Rice Owl would be scared of being in such close proximity to a girl and asks for access to library books. The judge thought this was fair and agreed. At his turn, the Aggie asked for ten thousand packs of cigarettes. The judge agreed and locked him up too.
Ten years later, the three are let out. They open the Longhorn’s cell and he comes with his four beautiful kids and loving wife and he actually thanks the judge for forcing him to settle down and start a family. They open the Rice Owl’s cell, and the guy is just brilliant. he’s read the most cutting edge journals for every field, has written a few articles himself and quickly had a job lined up at NASA. They finally come to the Aggie’s cell. The gate swings open and the Aggie staggers into the open and meekly asks “does anyone have a lighter?”
undefeated in Sun Belt play
by LongCat on Nov 22, 2010 4:56 PM CST up reply actions 3 recs
A Red Raider, a Longhorn, and an Aggie are all stranded
The Longhorn said, I would give anything to be back in Austin. There’s a bar that I could go to and get $2 beers all night and they always had beautiful women there.
The Red Raider said, I would give anything to be back in Lubbock, there’s a bar there where I could get beers for a buck and beautiful women would always hang out there.
The Aggie said, I would give anything to be back in College Station. There’s a place where I could get free beer and have all the sex I wanted.
The Longhorn and Red Raider looked puzzled and didn’t believe the Aggie, so they asked him where this place might be. The Aggie answered, “at my sister’s house.”
A Husker wish for Texas
May the football gods smile on you as you hose the Aggies like a love-starved shepperd, and please remember DONT LEAVE YOUR NUTCUPS AT HOME.
How do you stop an Aggie from beating his wife?
Paint her orange!
by TCB Orange Dino on Nov 22, 2010 11:50 PM CST reply actions 1 recs
An Aggie went hunting
An Aggie went hunting and shot two deer. When he went to the taxidermist, he was asked if he wanted them mounted. "No," the Aggie replied, "kissing will be fine."
It's a Horns' world. Even Aggies play hoops with a burnt orange ball.
Cheerios
What do Aggies think Cheerios are?
Donut seeds.
It's a Horns' world. Even Aggies play hoops with a burnt orange ball.
My Aggie Friend's post today on Facebook
“Gig em y’all
Can Texas A&M, once in jeopardy of being the new Baylor, instead become the new Texas?"
I couldn’t stop laughing — Aggies are so delusional.
Poor Aggies
But you have to give them credit. I’ve never encountered one group so kicked around, yet they never lose hope. They should enjoy the ride this year. They have a good team and Mike Sherman deserves credit for dumping the bottom-feeders on the team (negative attitudes, etc.) and using the players he has to do some great things. Aggies need to remember this and not start calling for his job at the first sign of trouble.
Texas has an off year (hopefully no more than that) but we will recover and be back to our winning ways. Year after year. Can A&M sustain winning? We’ll see.
A&M was relevant in 1939 and the late 80s to 90s. Most of the time they were relevant in recent history (Sherrill years) they were cheating.
What we have here is a failure to execute.
by dimecoverage on Nov 23, 2010 12:37 PM CST up reply actions
They should take baby steps.
Maybe they should first aspire to being the new OK St. or the new Texas Tech, then move up from there.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
by HookTech on Nov 23, 2010 1:31 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
tu joke
After getting pounded on the thanksgiving day who will become the joke of the big XII?
The texas university y’all! Let me know next year how did it feel to be at the cellar of the Big XII for one whole year! I would tell you what it was like for the aggies from being written off completely by those idiots at ESPN and other networks to becoming the Big XII champions and winning a BCS bowl all in the same year.
If you wanted to join the fun and tell an Aggie joke, you could have just written your name and left it at that.
You are an example of the reason that Aggie jokes exist.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
There are several things that I have found humorous about the 2010 Longhorn season
First, why would you steadfastly continue playing Gilbert, when you have seen for the better part of a season now that he is too inconsistent to be a Big XII caliber QB? at Austin you have no dearth of talent, yet why destroy your season with a talentless one?
Second, It has become cliche with all of my longhorn friends (and unfortunately family) blame your OC. Why do you give free pass to your DC, isn’t defense responsible for half the losses in almost all games? Hasn’t the offense carried the team for major part of the previous decade and last year? Why can’t your defense step it up for once when the offense is struggling?
I just hope y’all keep it close on thursday or else it will be a blowout and you will be another statistic on A&M’s march to greatness this season.
Hey, there IS a reasonable human being behind that moniker.
You weren’t completely offbase in the first paragraph.
The second paragraph suggested to me that you need to go back and study the history of Greg Davis at Texas and that of Will Muschamp. Also, it’s not a matter of absolute blame. It’s a matter of who should get the most blame by deciding whose failures ultimately contributed most to our abortion of a season.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
Only an Aggie would call a potential second place finish in the Big XII South a "march to greatness this season."
Seriously, check out the tie-breakers. Second place in the division is the ceiling.
undefeated in Sun Belt play
I have to attract my concession that you are a reasonable human being now that I have seen your activities on other sites. You are a waste of webspace. Hopefully in your not-internet-based life you actually have something to contribute to society.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
Ummmm
I hate to break the news to you, but Aggies have no possibility of being the Big XII Champions this year. Sorry, but it is either OUsux or OSU. Obviously, I’m pulling for OSU.
YUMC
Aren’t you embarrassed?
"I'm not playing favorites. All my favorites have graduated." - A. Lemons
by Paleface Horn on Nov 23, 2010 8:33 PM CST up reply actions
Not sure he has ever had an introspective moment in his life.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
YUMC has made 15 comments on TAMU's site and 163 comments on our site
Is that the actual definition of troll?
YUMC, what are you? An Aggie fan or a Texas hater? Do you even understand the question? Can you pull your hand out of your pants long enough to type a coherent answer?
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
Have you listened the Aggie fight song?
They hate Texas far more than they care about themselves. They’re the Byronic hero of college football.
undefeated in Sun Belt play
by LongCat on Nov 24, 2010 3:02 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
Aggie in Heaven
An Aggie passes through the pearly gates where he is met by God, who offers to show him to to his new home. The Aggie is pleased to find he will be spending enternity in a plain but comfortable house, until he notices a much nicer house at the top of the hill. The house is absolutely beautiful and several times bigger than the Aggie’s. The Aggie notices a Longhorn flag in the yard and goes into a tirade about how even in heaven the Longhorns get everything and the Aggies get nothing. Why had God given this Longhorn such a beautiful house, while the Aggie was forced to live in such a humble house.
God replies “that’s my house”.
by Horncasting on Nov 23, 2010 2:08 PM CST reply actions 1 recs
A tale of two fan bases
Sorry I didn’t realize that things would deteriorate so badly for the Horns all in one season. This blog is testimony to that. While the A&M blogs are full of discussions of strategies of our plans for the tu game and beyond, the tu blogs are full of silly juvenile thoughtless jokes that make no sense! Go figure!
I'm sure Sherman is reading your strategies and will incorporate them into his gameplan, so that was time well spent.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
by HookTech on Nov 23, 2010 2:20 PM CST up reply actions 2 recs
I thought the same thing, Buddy.
"I'm not playing favorites. All my favorites have graduated." - A. Lemons
by Paleface Horn on Nov 23, 2010 8:35 PM CST up reply actions
Am I the only one amused by someone deriding "juvenile thoughtless jokes" while still using the term "tu"?
undefeated in Sun Belt play
by LongCat on Nov 23, 2010 2:27 PM CST up reply actions 2 recs
I'm amused by everything YUMC says.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
If that's the case, then you're clearly searching for rationality where none exists.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
You might want to start reading TexAgs before you make any comments about our so-called deteriorated discussion. We love to watch the yearly Aggie meltdown.
Yes, the Aggies are having a good year. Congratulations. And no, we aren’t.
The difference between our programs is this: UT has a down year once in a blue moon, A&M has one, oh…almost every year.
Enjoy the ride while it lasts.
What we have here is a failure to execute.
by dimecoverage on Nov 23, 2010 3:15 PM CST up reply actions
I do like using A&M's second half of the season improvement
to help support teh need for a playoff. Changing the QB has obviously helped them and it shows that a team is not the same at the end of the season as they are at the beginning.
Usually a team starts with their better QB and then the guy gets hurt so the winning season goes down hill quickly when they play their backup QB, which again supports a playoff since the end of the season is what matters.
Leave it to the Aggies to do it backwards. God bless them.
because obviously those two things are mutually exclusive
dumbass
If that is a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.
It might also be a good idea
to actually take a look at your surroundings before opening your mouth using your keyboard. There are multitude of pages on this site dedicated solely to analysis, strategy, coaching moves and the like. You, however, in your state of delusion decide to come onto a thread devoted to light hearted satire in anticipation of this annual rivalry game and have the nerve to degrade the quality on this site as a whole based upon a quick summation of the activities on said thread. This is, without a doubt, one of the highest quality fan sites on the internet and is not anywhere close to “full of juvenile jokes” as you so claim.
I would urge you to take a look in the mirror and maybe you will realize that it is you that is full of something, and quite frankly that something is “shit.”
"It's all bullshit, and it's bad for 'ya." -George Carlin
Just a little ribbing for "Rivalry Week"
Good luck on thursday
You
Unadulterated
Mutton
Chasers
I call bullshit! Bevo size!
by Ese-De-SA on Nov 23, 2010 5:23 PM CST up reply actions 2 recs
yanking ugly male collies
"I'm not playing favorites. All my favorites have graduated." - A. Lemons
by Paleface Horn on Nov 23, 2010 8:38 PM CST up reply actions
The ultimate Aggie joke:
YUMC
"I'm not playing favorites. All my favorites have graduated." - A. Lemons
by Paleface Horn on Nov 23, 2010 8:37 PM CST up reply actions
I clicked on his screenname and he's doing the same BS on cornnation. Just a douchy troll.
I don't want NO PART of yo' tired ass country club, YA FREAK BITCH!
YUMC and Beergut walk into a Longhorn Bar in Austin
They’re loud, obnoxious and whoop all over the place. The Longhorn bartender asks them “what’s with all the ruckus?”
“We’re aggies and want to see how sucky this T-Sip bar is,” YUMC replied.
“Well if it sucks so bad, why don’t you go back to Collie Station?” said the bartender.
“We would but we’re registered livestock offenders. We can no longer come within 200-feet of livestock,” Beergut replied meekly.
“Shoot, don’t you know? College Station is a sanctuary city for your kind,” the bartender said. “Now get the hell out of here!”
“Sanctuary city? But we’re also restricted from coming too close to birds,” YUMC muttered.
Too Bad. . .
. . . that BeerGut gets lumped in with this turd. BeerGut’s main offense (IMHO) is being an aggie. I know, that’s pretty bad right there, but seriously, BeerGut’s post are usually polite and his grasp of Xs and Os can be illuminating on occasion.
This is a tradition.
The only nuts we crunch are certain visitors.
This isn't a joke, but it seemed appropriate
I woke up early this morning and, as I was leaving, I groggily saw a guy walking through the parking lot in what I thought an Aggie yell leader uniform. I though “holy crap, that guy’s really into this game.” Then I saw the paint bucket he was carrying.
undefeated in Sun Belt play
How do you circumcise an Agglet?
Kick his sister in the jaw…
Or his favorite sheep
Invention of the condom
The aggies invented the condom by using the bladder of the sheep. Years later a UT grad refined the condom by taking it out of the sheep.
Why couldn't the aggie get to Dallas?
When he got to the highway, the sign said, “Dallas Left”.
So he went back home.
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