Mack Brown: Next Head Coach of the Tennessee Titans?

That's right, you insatiable news suckers. You heard it here first. And don't forget it neither. Because when you're setting a blistering pace on this 24-7 news unicycle, if you ain't first, you're just a clown on a unicycle. Write that down.

My sources, which will remain nameless, blameless and conveniently unaccounted for because they're black ops ninjas that have been off the grid since Nixon told Royal that his team was National Champions "because that's what you are" - tell me that Mack Brown is currently splitting a pecan log with Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams at a Bucky's Express just north of Houston.

Yeah, can you believe it? Mack, cheating on his diet this close to New Years? How could he? More on that little, inconsequential move to Tennessee rumor after the jump...

If you'll recall, I've been shouting at the wind telling everyone who wouldn't listen since the final minute of the UCLA loss that this Texas team might not be very good and Mack Brown was not happy about losing. Don't believe me, you can look it up at MBTF.com. He said it at a press conference in front of real members of the press. So that right there should convince you to lend credence and other big words to everything I write and never question my factually uncheckable facts or why I maintain my anonymity behind an avatar with an IP address in French Polynesia.

Okay, so now that we've got that established in stone that only conflict cubic zirconia can cut, here's the really important thing you need to know. But first I just want to remind you that everything is fluid and Texas may be going to the Pac 10 in every sport but Girl's Soccer and Men's Quidditch by as early as tomorrow. So stay tuned and don't bust balls.

Okay, so you didn't hear this from me, but if it does come true, you did and you better remember that or I will spend the rest of my life reminding you that I have a 99.3% degree of accuracy in predicting sunrises. Yeah, suck on that, Copernicus.

Anyway, no doubt by now you all have heard about the very public lover spat between current Titan's head coach Jeff Fisher and tweet friendly former Longhorns National Championship winning quarterback Vince Young.

You just got goosebumps didn't you?

You know why? Because I just mentioned something you're sort of familiar with but not completely familiar with so that anything you read from this point forth has instant plausibility, which of course it does.

So as you are fully aware - because I made you fully aware in a previous article that nobody can find because it is floating around in the ether - Jeff Fisher no longer wants to be the coach of the Titans if Vince Young remains the starting QB and keeps giving his sweat bands to undeserving children in the stands.

Boom! There it is. I dare you to show me where Jeff Fisher didn't say that or name 3 people who have not been in my kitchen. It's out there. Can't put that baby back in the Vas Deferens, can you? What's up, Doc?

So Bud - I call him Bud cuz it makes me seem more believeable and important to you if I use first names - has a big decision to make. The biggest in fact because Super Bowls, jersey sales and making Houston Oilers fans feel like the shit  for all eternity are at stake here. (Notice how I created drama by adding a sense of heightened gravity to the moment...is there such a thing as "heightened gravity?" I don't know, just keep reading, your life and reputation as "guy who knows things first" at the water cooler probably depends on it.)

So my source, who also happens to be on Bud's canasta team, told me that Bud figured there's no way he could afford to lose Texas legend and first round draft pick Vince Young over some spilt milk of magnesia. No way, f*ck that noise, right? He allegedly said, "oh hell no is the Ron Burgundy of coaches going to agree to disagree with my prize draft pick." Can you blame, Bud? What would you do if you were in his expensive, yet sensible orthotics? (Note, I just asked you a question to make you think I want you to be a member of my know-it-all club, but not really.)

So Bud calls a guy who knows a guy who knows Mack's buxom barber at Sportsclips - where guys win because tits and sports go together like, well, like tits and sports - and he says, look, Mack's the only coach Vince likes and trusts. And only Mack Brown knows how to let Vince be Vince by making up really complicated sounding offensive plays that are really just a fancy way of saying quarterback sneak on 4th and Five from the 8-yard line with 35 years in the waiting and 8 years in the making. Plus he already has all of VY's favorite songs on his iPod. So he's got that going for him, which is nice."(I would share that recording with you, but I'm saving it for my guest spot on ESPN's, "The Decision II - Mack takes his talents to Graceland.")

It gets a little gray from here, like charcoal gray, but somehow Bud got ahold of Mack, probably poked him on Facebook or something.

Anyway, if you're a crack reporter like me and connect the dots like I did by visiting Mack's Wikipedia page, you'd have found out just like I did that it clearly states that Mack Brown was born in Tennessee. Holy Shitapotomus! Yeah, I think you hear me knocking. Watch out, I'm coming into your house to drink your beer, hit on your wife and leave remnant pee droplets on your non-raised toilet seat only to blame them on a powerful flush.

It all adds up, doesn't it? If you put one and one together and don't forget to carry the one, it equals, Tennessee.

Yeah, put that in your Mu Alpha Theta genius troll doll and stroke it. For what I should be charging you for this prognostic gold, you could purchase a cup of warm shut the hell up every day for an hour or fight eggshell fragility in Emperor Penguins for a month. Yeah, that's how deep I am. 

Lastly, but not leastly, I've also been told that Mack is willing to go to Tennessee IF AND ONLY if Greg Davis is named OC/BFF and Cleve Bryant gets awarded some unspecified job that is really important but must remain unspecified. Cleve also doesn't want to receive a stipend, medical benefits, or a W-2. Rather he would just like to be compensated in non-traceable Spearmint Rhino Dancing Dollars.

Finally, but not finality, here's some more icing on your ice cream cupcake, hold the sprinkles...I'm also being told that Ricky Williams, who may or may not be a free agent at the end of the year, but let's pretend he is for the purposes of this article - is playing like a 12-year vet who's only played six seasons and would like to play for the Titans should Mack become the coach. Apparently he was moved by Mack's kid gloves cameo in Ricky's ESPN 30 for 30 episode titled, "The Halfback with a Scooby Snack."

Also, my ReMax agent told me that she can neither confirm, nor deny (with the emphasis on "nor deny") that Roy Williams, Shawn Rogers, Cedric Benson, Michael Huff, Derrick Johnson, Quentin Jammer, Nathan Vasher, Mike Williams, Jonathan Scott, Justin Blalock, Limas Sweed, Cedric Griffin, Kasey Studdard, Leonard Davis, Jamal Charles, Jermichael Finley, Chris Simms' spline and deep snapping specialist Cullin Loeffler have all been rumored to be real estate shopping in the greater Nashville area. 

As for the Longhorns, if this happens - which of course it will because you just read it on the internet and if you can't trust the internet, Jesus, who can you trust? - Deloss Dodds will name Major Applewhite head coach, Emory Bellard as OC for his innovative unpredictability, and Norm Chow as DC because the best defense is a good offense and Deloss wants to attract the Far East TV market to the new Longhorn TV network to drive ratings.

EDITORS NOTE: If anything written above seems the slightest bit fabricated, just remember, it's not a rumor if you believe it.

Happy New Year, Boners! Wake me up in August.

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