Cry Me A New Year

The year 2010 sucked for Longhorns, no two ways about it. Don't you really wish somebody had told you a year ago what to expect? Well, we've seen the light, been to Jan 01 2012, and know the future. Read this column then go to Vegas and bet on its outcomes a la Marty McFly BTTF II style. Just remember, you heard it here first.

After the jump,  a gaze into the crystal ball that is the year in sports 2011*.

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January --

  • TCU beats Wisconsin 27-21 in the Rose Bowl. UCONN shocks Oklahoma 31-30 in the Fiesta Bowl with a Statue of Liberty play on the game winning two point conversion. Bob Stoops calls it his team's best performance in a BCS Bowl in nearly a decade.
  • It's Stanford over Va Tech in the Orange Bowl and Ohio State over Arkansas in the Sugar Bowl. Auburn defeats Oregon 38-34 to win the national championship.
  • Gus Malzahn is named offensive coordinator at Texas. Malzahn refuses to comment on how much money Texas has offered him to come, but when asked why he would leave Auburn and his purported $3 million salary Malzahn replies "cha-ching!" Teryl Austin and Justin Wilcox named co-defensive coordinators.
  • Barnes' Bunch goes 7-2, with wins over UCONN and Oklahoma State but losses at Aggy and Kansas.
  • Sources in Bellmont suggest Coach Boom is showing signs of regret leaving Austin for Gainesville. 
  • Titans hire Greg Davis as offensive coordinator to fix their offense. Broncos hire Urban Meyer as head coach. Meyer acknowledges in his opening press conference that he "can't quit" Tim Tebow.

February --

  • New England defeats Philadelphia 28-20 to win Super Bowl XLV in Dallas. Danny Woodhead scores two TDs and takes home the MVP award.
  • Basketball goes 7-2 with losses in Norman and Lincoln. Baseball sweeps Maryland and Hawaii to begin the season 8-0.
  • Brett Favre announces that he is 99.9% sure that he will retire from the NFL. Sources in Bellmont suggest Brown is considering hiring the Mississippi Junk Slinger as quarterbacks coach.
  • Mack Brown inks the #2 overall recruiting class in the country, headlined by Malcolm Brown and Christian Westerman who decides to come to Austin afterall to play for new OL coach Kasey Studdard.

March --

  • Sources indicate Jerry Gray is in Austin to consult with Rick Barnes on the effectiveness of his 2-3 zone defense.
  • Texas falls to Baylor in Waco to finish the regular season 22-7 (11-5 Big XII) and the 3 seed in the Big XII tournament. The Horns earn a 4 seed in the NCAA tournament and beats and Morehead State and Villanova before falling in the Sweet 16 to Ohio State. 
  • Baseball goes 14-3, dropping single games in series against Stanford, Kansas State and Oklahoma State.
  • UCONN, Ohio State, Pitt and Kansas make the Final Four.

April --

  • UCONN wins a rematch with Pitt to win the national championship in basketball. Jordan Hamilton declares for the NBA draft but Cory Joseph and Tristan Thompson announce that they will return to Texas in order to make history as the first Longhorns team to feature three Canadians.
  • Nick Fairley goes #1 overall to Carolina in the NFL Draft. Andrew Luck goes #2 to Cincinnati. Aaron Williams and Curtis Brown are the first Longhorn two selected, going in the late second and early third rounds respectively. Sam Acho goes in the 5th round to the Bears.
  • Baseball sweeps Mizzou but drops its first series of the year at Baylor. The Horns sweep the rest of the month other than a midweek loss to UTSA to improve to 30-6.
  • Mack Brown claims the upcoming summer practices will be like "a stay at the Hanoi Hilton." Kirk Bohls publicly decries Brown as Longhorn fans applaud the sentiment.

May --

  • Baseball drops a series at Lincoln and takes two of three from Aggy to win the Big XII regular season crown. The Horns go 3-1 in the Big XII tournament, beating Missouri to take that crown too and end the season 37-10. The Horns earn the #5 national seed.
  • Sources indicate Jerry Gray has been called back to Austin to consult with Augie Garrido on Kevin Lusson's defense at 3B.

June --

  • Baseball easily advances to a Super Regional matchup against Oklahoma. The Horns drop the Friday game but come back to take the next two and advance to Omaha where they are eliminated by TCU. 
  • Taylor Jungmann goes #6 in the MLB draft to the Washington Nationals. Cole Green goes in the second round to the Boston Red Sox. 
  • The Boston Celtics defeat the San Antonio Spurs in six games to win the NBA Championship. Rajon Rondo named MVP. AO receives a championship ring and will appear on an episode of Pawn Stars attempting to pawn it in 2012.

July --

  • Sources indicate Will Muschamp is having serious second thoughts after spending two hours searching for decent TexMex in Gainesville the wee hours of the morning.
  • The temperature in Austin reaches 110 degrees for 20 straight days. Somewhere Al Gore smiles. 
  • Tiger Woods wins the British Open, ending his major championship drought.

August --

  • Fall practice begins. Mack Brown unveils the team's new slogan is "The beatings will continue until morale improves." Some feel it is less inspirational than previous incarnations such as "We are Texas!" and "One heartbeat." Texas fans on the whole applaud it.
  • Malcolm Brown named starting running back. Case McCoy pushes Garrett Gilbert for the starting quarterback spot but is ultimately beat out by an improved Gilbert.
  • Each newspaper in Texas writes a fluff piece highlighting Gilbert's growth, both muscles and maturity. Gilbert comes across as unhappy with his 2010 performance.

September --

  • Oregon starts out the year #1 followed by #2 LSU. Texas falls in the "also receiving votes" in the preseason AP, although Hopkins Horn points out that the Horns have more votes than both UCONN and USC.
  • Texas defeats Rice 41-10 to begin the 2011 campaign. Malcolm Brown has 135 rushing yards and two scores in his first collegiate action. Garrett Gilbert has a personal foul called for unnecessary roughness after punching a Rice defender attempting to intercept a batted ball. 
  • The Horns beat BYU and wallop UCLA 66-3.

October --

  • The Horns handle Iowa State and Garrett Gilbert hits Mike Davis for a 14 yard touchdown with 1:32 remaining to give Texas a 28-27 victory over #3 Oklahoma. Jackson Jeffcoat seals things with a sack & fumble recovery with under a minute to play. A dejected Kirk Bohls is seen sobbing quietly in the media room shortly before the postgame press conference.
  • Texas beats Oklahoma State, Baylor and Kansas to go 7-0 and ranked #3 behind still undefeated Oregon and LSU.
  • The Philadelphia Phillies defeat the Boston Red Sox in seven games to take the World Series. Cliff Lee named MVP with wins in games Three and Seven.
  • The Titans start 8-0 behind a revamped offensive system which has enabled Vince Young to be Vince.

November --

  • Texas beats Texas Tech but falls at Missouri to end a national championship run. Fans call for Greg Davis to be fired out of habit.
  • The Horns beat Kansas State. Students across campus claim to see demons rising to the heavens from DKR following Mack's first win over KSU in a seeming lifetime. Texas beats Texas A&M 30-17 behind 165 yards rushing from Malcolm Brown. Ryan Tannehill joins a long line of Aggy quarterbacks to disappoint in their senior season.
  • Texas claims the Big XII title over a Missouri team with losses to OU and Aggy. Mack Brown tells Krik Bohls he can "suck it" at the postgame press conference.
  • Rick Barnes' squad starts the new season #5 in the rankings.

December --

  • Texas earns a Fiesta Bowl bid against 5-7 West Virginia. Nobody is quite sure how the Mountaineers won the Big East, but there they are. 
  • The New Orleans Saints go 14-2 to claim the #1 seed in the NFC. The Indianapolis Colts go 14-2 to claim the #1 seed in the AFC.
  • Gus Malzahn leaves Texas to become head coach at Michigan, claiming the pay will be about the same but he likes the additional responsibility. Teryl Austin is named head coach at Nebraska after Bo Pelini is fired for giving Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany the "Mangino Treatment". Justin Wilcox takes the head coaching job at Illinois. 
  • Vince Young wins NFL comeback player of the year for the 14-2 Titans. A new website HireGregDavis.com comes online although its online petition gathers few signatures.
  • Major Applewhite promoted to Texas offensive coordinator. Texas fans rejoice.
  • Sources inside Bellmont indicate Will Muschamp is extremely unhappy with an 8-4 performance and a general inability to find a Mexican Martini. Muschamp returns to Texas on December 31st as the new defensive coordinator and head coach-in-waiting.

Happy New Year BON!

*One of our favorite columns growing up every year is Peter Finney's annual look into what's ahead for the new year. In honor of the great Mr. Finney, we've quite clearly stolen his idea.

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