Don't worry, we don't have any underground salt mines. We do, however, have something much more important. A clearly delineated standard for carrying ourselves as fans. So, put away those cowboy boots and shave that mustache (unless it's ironic) and let me take you on a magical mystery tour through all things Pac10. This primer course will help bring you up to speed on what it's like to be a member of the Pac10.
Speech - You must pepper all language with an ever increasingly annoying series of the word "like." It's, like, just how we, like, talk. I mean, like, this is exactly how Glenn Seaborg spoke when inventing the nuclear bomb and other huge matters: " I think we should, like, place a new actinide series, like, for elements 89–103, below the, like, lanthanide series. "
Tanning - For you, burnt orange is a school color. For us, it is a way of life. If we aren't at the tanning salon, we're at the tanning funeral parlor, tanning baseball dugout, or perhaps even the tanning synagogue. We tan, tan, and then once we are done, tan some more. Then, we tan again. So, I think you'll be ready to go.
Lakers fans - Ya, you all have to become Lakers fans. Sorry. I hate it, too. You think I like sitting next to Jack Nicholson? Dude has so many STDs, there are some STDs discovered solely in him. Thankfully, he has STDs 3 Stooges disease. Each STD is keeping the others in perfect equilibrium. But perhaps I have said too much. Either way, pledge your undying allegiance to Derek Fisher or leave forthe SEC immediately!
So Texas fans - are you ready? Are you ready to weather the whiny complaints of every Cal fan who nurses a Texas-sized grudge against Mack Brown and the 2004 Longhorns? Are you ready to deal with USC fans who still claim that the Trojans were a better team in 2005 (Thanks, by the way, for winning that game). And worst of all, are you prepared for....ROAD TRIPS TO PULLMAN WASHINGTON?!? The Pac-10 can be a scary and/or annoying place. You may just want to rethink things, take your millions of dollars and gigantic fan base, and go independent. Become the 21st century version of Notre Dame. Except, you know, good at football.
On behalf of the California Golden Blogs, let me be the first to welcome you to the Pac10. You will be the new Oregon State and we will call you Jobu. So, Jobu, like, come on by the California Golden Blogs and any other delightful Pac10 site and come join all the fun!
PS Nobody tell Iowa State about this, OK? It'll just be our little secret.