Because You Keep Checking Back To See If Football Season Has Started

It's okay, we all have and still do about every 15 minutes or as time allows between actual work or school. If you're lucky, someone will post something of real substance about player statuses, practice reports, recruiting updates, etc., and sometimes you'll get something completely insignificant to the actual upcoming football season, and that's okay. Someone will say something to the effect of "What the hell is the point of this ridiculous post?" or "Are you freaking kidding, you're an idiot, please stop RIGHT NOW". All of which translates to the same thing we're all feeling: Is it football season yet? As for even the most hollow of posts, I thank you nonetheless. I need this. We need this.

A kickoff has not been had yet, but I am going to go out on a limb here and make a bold declaration: Because we're talking about it, football season has officially begun. It's in the air, much like the aroma of gingerbread, snowmen and 60+ women in their jingling sweater vests roaming the aisles of Hobby Lobby. It may be November 1st, but they just made Christmas season official and there is nothing you can do about it. Thus, the same logic would prove that our incessant discussions on anything and everything having to do with football are reason enough to declare such a thing. Boom. I just made it football season. Thank me later.

There have been plenty of predictions made and I intend to be not an ounce more original in doing just that because I think it's fun to speculate on often-unfathomable hypothetical situations that I would either love to see or genuinely expect to see in the upcoming season.

Some things I would love to see:


Texas beats Alabama in the BCS National Championship Game in Glendale in which Garrett Gilbert stiff arms Marcell Dareus into the lap of Nick Saban, before passing for 400 yards and six touchdowns.


Except the other way around next time and into the crotchal region of Saban.

Nebraska loses at everything. I don't want to hate them, but they're not making it easy. Admittedly, it is mainly due to their rekindled animosity towards Texas, which I am used to and okay with in most circumstances, but wow - the Huskers have become obsessed with revenge and have become just a bit too emotionally unstable for my taste. The other day I was watching my son blow up a balloon that I could tell was going to pop at any moment. With the slightest bump or encouraging gust it would burst in his face. The state of the balloon at that moment right before it explodes reminds me of the University of Nebraska.


Texas A&M announces it has been cheating on you and is running away with the SEC. This announcement is made with the expectation that we give a shit, feelings get hurt, and they role play as the sheep in the SEC for a few years until Tommy Tuberville gets the itch to make his way back home, after which they still don't do very well at all.


Tre Newton makes someone bleed with the wind from his tricep.


TCU loses by the same margin to Utah and Oregon State as that by which they obliterate the remainder of their schedule: approx. 19,000 points.


The SEC sucks ass overall. I'm not talking about one particular team, but rather an overall suck by all things Southeast Conference. No need for this to be a permanent thing - just one season of shame to calm the voices of the self-proclaimed mecca of college football.


A ginormous super-conference Voltron thing happens suddenly and with little rationale, in which the country is divided by East & West for a grueling annual showdown of combined forces clashing in blood soaked playoffs, alternating between the Rose & Orange Bowls.


The Acho brothers score a combined 17 defensive touchdowns, combine 22 sacks, force 30 fumbles, resuscitate a lost puppy, fix the oil spill, find Bin Laden, blow bubbles with beef jerky, comfort old widows, cure AIDS, and win a bunch of awards.


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