Because You Keep Checking Back To See If Football Season Has Started
by Infield Elephant on Aug 12, 2010 5:55 PM CDT
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PrintIt's okay, we all have and still do about every 15 minutes or as time allows between actual work or school. If you're lucky, someone will post something of real substance about player statuses, practice reports, recruiting updates, etc., and sometimes you'll get something completely insignificant to the actual upcoming football season, and that's okay. Someone will say something to the effect of "What the hell is the point of this ridiculous post?" or "Are you freaking kidding, you're an idiot, please stop RIGHT NOW". All of which translates to the same thing we're all feeling: Is it football season yet? As for even the most hollow of posts, I thank you nonetheless. I need this. We need this.
A kickoff has not been had yet, but I am going to go out on a limb here and make a bold declaration: Because we're talking about it, football season has officially begun. It's in the air, much like the aroma of gingerbread, snowmen and 60+ women in their jingling sweater vests roaming the aisles of Hobby Lobby. It may be November 1st, but they just made Christmas season official and there is nothing you can do about it. Thus, the same logic would prove that our incessant discussions on anything and everything having to do with football are reason enough to declare such a thing. Boom. I just made it football season. Thank me later.
There have been plenty of predictions made and I intend to be not an ounce more original in doing just that because I think it's fun to speculate on often-unfathomable hypothetical situations that I would either love to see or genuinely expect to see in the upcoming season.
Some things I would love to see:
Texas beats Alabama in the BCS National Championship Game in Glendale in which Garrett Gilbert stiff arms Marcell Dareus into the lap of Nick Saban, before passing for 400 yards and six touchdowns.
Except the other way around next time and into the crotchal region of Saban.
Nebraska loses at everything. I don't want to hate them, but they're not making it easy. Admittedly, it is mainly due to their rekindled animosity towards Texas, which I am used to and okay with in most circumstances, but wow - the Huskers have become obsessed with revenge and have become just a bit too emotionally unstable for my taste. The other day I was watching my son blow up a balloon that I could tell was going to pop at any moment. With the slightest bump or encouraging gust it would burst in his face. The state of the balloon at that moment right before it explodes reminds me of the University of Nebraska.
Texas A&M announces it has been cheating on you and is running away with the SEC. This announcement is made with the expectation that we give a shit, feelings get hurt, and they role play as the sheep in the SEC for a few years until Tommy Tuberville gets the itch to make his way back home, after which they still don't do very well at all.
Tre Newton makes someone bleed with the wind from his tricep.
TCU loses by the same margin to Utah and Oregon State as that by which they obliterate the remainder of their schedule: approx. 19,000 points.
The SEC sucks ass overall. I'm not talking about one particular team, but rather an overall suck by all things Southeast Conference. No need for this to be a permanent thing - just one season of shame to calm the voices of the self-proclaimed mecca of college football.
A ginormous super-conference Voltron thing happens suddenly and with little rationale, in which the country is divided by East & West for a grueling annual showdown of combined forces clashing in blood soaked playoffs, alternating between the Rose & Orange Bowls.
The Acho brothers score a combined 17 defensive touchdowns, combine 22 sacks, force 30 fumbles, resuscitate a lost puppy, fix the oil spill, find Bin Laden, blow bubbles with beef jerky, comfort old widows, cure AIDS, and win a bunch of awards.
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Wha...?
No Stoops get’s grossly inebriated after a 75-3 stomping by Texas, and is taken advantage of and impregnated by Lane Kiffin who then skips town?
No resurrected Ed McMahon comes knocking at your door with a big check only to be answered at the door by Erin Andrews wearing nothing but tee shirt that reads property on Infield Elephant XOXO?
Wha...? No Whaley? No Hills?
by Ese-De-SA on Aug 12, 2010 7:52 PM CDT reply actions 2 recs
Did you see that asinine article by Pat Forde?
Forde isn’t normally all that bad, but his SEC trumpeting is getting really annoying. He even claimed that none of the national championship games that the SEC have been involved in have been close, a great example of people who look at final box scores, see a double digit margin, and declare an easy victory without really analyzing the game. For writers like him, I would also like to see the SEC lose a few bowl games, not because I think it’s legitimate to judge an entire conference just off the bowl season (it’s not), but so that I stop hearing that crap for at least one season.
by TheElusiveShadow on Aug 12, 2010 8:51 PM CDT reply actions
Forde
I assume you mean this one.:
The four straight title-game victories? None of them close. Not a single second-half deficit. Average margin of SEC victory: 16.8 points. Closest margin: 10 points. Hasn’t mattered whether the opponent is from the Big Ten (Ohio State twice) or the Big 12 (Oklahoma once, Texas the other); they haven’t been able to compete.
A stretch for sure. It’s not that we think the SEC isn’t good. It’s just the slobbering effect they have on the media. Forde’s take on it can be a bit deceiving though. He writes stuff like this, acknowledging how good the SEC is, but is petitioning for them to be taken down (sort of).
by Infield Elephant on Aug 13, 2010 2:44 PM CDT up reply actions
Things I would like to see
It finally comes out that the constant figurative fellating of the SEC by any and all media outlets is a result of the media outlets literally being fellated by SEC ADs and Mike Slive volunteering any and every naughty service his orifices can provide.
Greg Mcelroy’s pursuit of becoming a Rhodes scholar ends when it comes out that his major is actually Under Water Basket Weaving and his GPA is actaully a 1.5. Bama’s been lying…shocker!
Georgia and LSU both have fantatic seasons, each winning their divisions and then one of the two getting waxed by Texas in the MNC. UGA and LSU fanbases are fucking pissed that they have to keep their Pop warner coaches and can’t pursue The Man, The Myth and The Legend that is the Muschamp.
The OU game is close, until kick off when we run the kick back and never look back. Bob stoops literally lays an egg at mid field. The creature that hatches is instantly sacrificed by Keenan Robinson, cuz well, he’s a mean mother fucker.
Landry Jones quits the game of football after setting an NCAA record with 20 picks in a game. 5 of those were by our scout team, which we inserted into the game part way through the second quarter, it gets that bad. Curtis Brown gets drunk off his tears in the post game celebration.
Ryan Broyles’ career is ruined because he has PTSD after running accross the middle. E. Acho knocks his intellect back to 3rd grade level. Chykie Brown sack taps him, its a good 3rd grade joke.
After the game Jeremy Beal frantically runs around the field trying to find Sam Acho to get an autograph. From that point on refers to him as “Lord Acho Prince of Nigeria”.
Nebraska is so juiced up for our game that they have repaved all of the roads in Nebraska red. Even the corn grows red there. Fucking weird. The game isn’t even close and they quickly realize that they aren’t dick with Suh. School is renamed Suh University at Lincoln. Stadium becomes known as the House of Spears.
After the first half, Tom Osborn calls the Big 10 to bitch and try to get Suh extra years of eligibility, as well as see about recruiting out of frederal prisons. They turn him down, he takes Neb independent because nobody gives a shit what he thinks.
We hand A&M the worst shit kicking in the history of college football. Its so bad we take knees in our own endzone because our offense is too tired after racking up 3,000 yards. Bill Byrne fires Mike Sherman 5 minutes into the second quarter due to pure embarassment. He then grabs his sheep and drives back to CS.
Jerrod Jefferson takes the hit of the season from AJ Williams on a CB blitz. He gets hit so hard that it breaks 4 of Christine Michael’s ribs. Von Miller gets a nose bleed from the impact. Eddie Jones recovers the fumble and does the C walk for 50 yards into the endzone, its fun to see a big man score.
After the game Sherman is on all fours begging Mack for a job, Mack tells him no, Muschamp gives him a wedgie.
In the championship LSU or UGA is given the shaft because Bamas AD performes better extracurriculars (see above: fellatio). Gilbert comes out firing, breaks every passing record for a single game against Bama. His only incompletion is a bullet he throws at Marcel Darreus’ dome. It knocks him out of the game. Colt goes to him on the side line, gives him a dick punch and then prays for him.
Tre Newton runs wild, Cody Johnson flattens people and Fozzy runs a combined 4 miles to accumulate 30 yds. Chris Whaley blocks players into the locker room.
GG does the “two pump chump” (think self pleasure) move at Saban’s face.
At the trophy presentation Mack Brown makes one comment “We’re Texas, Bitch!”
Kind of a stretch, but if any of this were to happen, I would have a 10 yr orgasm.
by tvr'11 on Aug 13, 2010 10:33 AM CDT reply actions 3 recs
You know I'd like that last one to happen
Visit my blog on all things college football, Pigskin Phenom.
Wow.
Win and a rec.
Great stuff.
" Answers --Become Resources."
Without Questions, There are limited Resources...
SEC and Aggies
Would be better if they say that are taking UT, OU, OSU and Tech and leave the Aggies out in the cold from the land they so desperately wanted to be a part of.
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