It's 3100 BC and OU still sucks.
It's the best week of the year: Texas vs OU in the Cotton Bowl. The Texas State Fair, corn dogs, football, carnies working the fair, carnies wearing crimson... It's all wonderful. Even the 50% of it that's awful is wonderful. After all, you can't have pretty without ugly.
For many of us, the Red River Shootout is a birthright, but there are always a number of questions about the big game. To help you out, I've put together a handy FAQ for your reference, touching on the rivalry overall, as well as a bit on this year's Oklahoma team. These are all facts, verifiable on Wikipedia. Maybe.
Q: What is the all-time series record between Texas and Oklahoma?
A: The 2011 game will be the 106th meeting in the rivalry. The Allies lead the series over the Axis 59-41-5.
Q: Um, didn't Hank Williams Jr. just get cut from Monday Night Football for comparing the President to Hitler? Should we refrain from making comparisons between Oklahoma and genocidaires?
A: We were as surprised as you were that Hank Williams Jr. didn't know that Hitler was reborn in the body of Bob Stoops.
Q: Speaking of Bob Stoops, does he have a chin?
A: He does not. The Oklahoma head coach sold his chin to the devil for the 2000 national championship. The devil told him he could only get it back when he won a BCS Bowl Game on his own. And that UConn doesn't count.
Q: I heard that every time the Sooners score a touchdown, an angel has its wings ripped off by a demon, and is forced to tearfully beg the demon to cauterize the wounds. The demon will refuse, and the sobbing angel will lie in a puddle of angel blood and feathers for eternity, wondering why the Sooners are allowed to score touchdowns. Is that true?
Q: Why do Sooners throw the Horns down all the time, even when they aren't playing Texas?
A: That's a good question, and one that we don't have a good answer for. We posed the question to a few Sooner fans and they provided us with a video response.
Q: Can I have those three minutes of my life back?
A: I'm really sorry, but no.
Q: Is it true that Oklahoma fans can't read?
A: This is one of those urban legends that's gotten a bit overblown over the years. In truth, an estimated 15-20% of Sooner fans are literate.
Q: Should we give the state of Oklahoma back to the Native Americans?
A: Setting aside that it would certainly be the fair thing to do, the rest of us are subsidizing Oklahoma with our tax dollars anyway. Kind of a win-win, isn't it?
Q: What is that horrible pony-drawn thing that tears around the Cotton Bowl?
A: Sooners sometimes refer to it as the Sooner Schooner, but it's official name is the Cheat Wagon.
Q: Last but not least, which is more pathetic: a Sooner or an Aggie?
A: An Aggie.
Q: Wow, really?
Q: Okay, so this year's team: how good is Landry Jones?
A: Kind of good? His overall numbers are gaudy, but against the five ranked teams he's faced over the past year he has 10 TDs against 9 INTs.
Q: Last year, I could have sworn the carnie running the ring toss was Landry Jones. Could that be right?
A: Common mistake. Everyone from the state looks like Landry Jones. Which is to say, a carnie.
Q: How good is Ryan Broyles?
A: Fucking good.
Q: Is it me, or is Brent Venables kind of a dolt?
A: It's not you.
Q: Will Travis Lewis ever not be the starting middle linebacker for OU?
A: I miss Ryan Reynolds, too.
Q: Can the Sooners actually rush the ball this year?
A: They ran the ball well against Tulsa and Ball State, but struggled with Florida State (2.9 ypc) and to a lesser extent Missouri (3.7 ypc).
Q: Any other Sooner names I should know for this year's game?
A: DE Ronnell Lewis is a terror on the edge, WR Kenny Stills is big and a damn tough cover in the end zone, and DB/LB Tony Jefferson plays the game fast as hell.
Hook 'em. And OU sucks...