Sunshine Pumping: 25 Completely Legitimate Reasons Why Texas Will Beat OU

It's Texas-OU week, which means I spend half my days getting amped for the game. After much soul searching and careful consideration, I submit to you the following well-thought out reasons why we'll BTHO Oklahoma this year.

Note: all characters and events in this fanpost – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated – poorly. The following fanpost contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anyone except diehard Horns fans.

1. So it was written: David Ash has been annointed as the second coming of Burnt Orange Jesus. Kind of like Jim Caviezel in The Passion. Waitaminute, whaddaya mean Ash CHOPPED HIS GLORIOUS LOCKS OFF?!? Well, OK, so now he's more like Jim Caviezel in AMC's The Prisoner. Which quite possibly didn't completely suck.

2. Case McCoy is the tits. At least, I think that's what he told Mack on the sidelines last week. Oh, you didn't know, Case? The backup quarterback is everyone's favorite (and a shoo-in to be voted most eligible at the year end awards banquet).

3. Hey, the last time a Heisman front-running OU quarterback played in the Cotton Bowl, he got blitzkrieged by a UT CB named AJ. OHMYGOD OUR THIRD-AND-A-HALF STRING RIGHT CORNERBACK IS AJ WHITE, LANDRY JONES YOU SIR ARE FRAKKED IN THE ASK. That's parallelism, homes.

4. Our walk-on running back makes a killer Irish Whiskey AND Fish Tacos without breaking a sweat (a regular Robert Killebrew, imo). OU's walk-on running back is actually a homeless man's Chris Whaley, only I hear he sucks at playing defensive tackle.

5. HEY BRENT VENABLES WE FIRED GREG DAVIS THAT MEANS FRESHMAN RUNNING BACKS ARE ALLOWED INTO THE COTTON BOWL AGAIN HA HA HA HA!

6. Remember the days when Texas would sign highly rated high school running backs only to watch them flail and fail helplessly on the field? OU fan, meet Jermie Calhoun LOLOLOL.

7. Jaxon Shipley and Case McCoy are ROOMMATES. Hey, just like Colt and Jordan. And they were pretty good, RIIIIGHT?! GREAT SUCCESS! (Record. Repeat every 10 minutes on every Texas broadcast. Cause Longhorn viewers to jam pencils into their ears. #WINNING)

8. Because Shelby Shipley said so, dammit.

9. When Jaz Reynolds was born, his parents forgot to write the "-on" to the end of his first name and change his last name to "Shipley". Ipso facto, he sucks at receiving.

10. Marquise Goodwin totally pawns Ryan Broyles on Sega Genesis Olympic Gold: Barcelona '92 plus VIDEO GAMES ARE JUST LIKE REAL LIFE.

11. I can't believe it! We actually have a black guy starting on our offensive line this year! Operation Human Shield is finally coming to fruition! /noracistjustacasualobservation

12. HarsinWhite sounds, like, totally more fetch than HeupelVell.

13. WOW COACH V TEXAS WOMEN ARE ROMANCING EACH OTHER IN THE STANDS I AM PLAN TO TAKE MY WATER BREAK NOW I AM GOING TO HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME

14. Alex Okafor is actually the third Acho brother, he just changed his name in grade school because he really likes trees and prepositions.

15. Travis Lewis broke his foot. LAME>> All a foot is good for is walking and putting a boot up someone's ass. Next time try breaking your keyboard arm, son. DeMarco Cobbs is about to unleash all his pent-up frustration right in Roy Finch's eye PETER NORTH WOULD BE SO PROUD OK PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE SEARCH PETER NORTH AT WORK.

16. Tony Jefferson's favorite fruit is cantaloupe. Through various sources, I have ascertained that the Sooners will be staying at the Best Western off Mockingbird. DON'T WORRY TONY I SHIPPED THEM FROM NEW MEXICO.

17. Lord Sir Admiral Carrington Byndom hath summoned forth her majesty's Royal British Navy to allay onto the foreign battlegrounds in the bowl of cotton for gold and glory, king and country. Thous't vile Algoniquin nation shalt tremble with fear and be but no match for the vast power brought forth posthaste from the men of Orange. Sooner? Hah! I doth call thee Later.

18. Google "Machete" and "Face Rape" and I am pretty sure Vaccaro's picture is the first result. Kenny Stills? More like OH MY GOD HE KILLED KENNY STILLS, AMIRITE?!? (you bastards!)

19. NO I'M SERIOUS I WAS SORTA HAVING ONE EYE ON THE IOWA STATE GAME WHILE SHOTGUNNING THAT KEYSTONE AND HITTING ON AUBREY AND MADISON AT THE SAME TIME BLAKE GIDEON IS GOOD NOW I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS HE DOESN'T DROP THE BALL ANYMORE I KNOW I KNOW I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER

20. Manny Diaz doesn't sleep, he waits. Wait no, sorry, my fault That's Chuck Norris. It's actually Manny Diaz doesn't sleep, he just FUCKS YOU UP.

21. Justin Tucker's girlfriend made him give her a promise ring. He promised that he wouldn't kick it to Ryan Broyles.

22. I TALKED TO BIG 12 OFFICIALS TRESS WAY THEY'RE NOT FALLING FOR THAT FLOPPING SHIT ANYMORE IF YOU WANT TO FAKE INJURY TO TRY AND GET A ROUGHING THE KICKER PENALTY YOU BEST GET ON NOW AND TAKE YOUR ACT TO THE NO BALLS ASSOCIATION

23. Technically, Texas is the only team of the two to have beaten an actual, legitimate Big 12 10 9 8 opponent. CRAM IT UP YOUR CRAMHOLE, PINKEL.

24. Bob Stoops has spent the last two and a half days game-planning how to start a chinless modeling career for EABOD magazine.

25. AND FINALLY...IT'S 10:10 P.M. AND OU STILL SUCKS.

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