The 2011 UT QB Situation, a Stage Play

I started this on another thread, but I felt it deserved to be expanded beyond a comment. Below is a true and accurate depiction of this season's quarterback controversy. Trust me. I have multiple sources in the athletic department that swear to it's truthfulness, only they refuse to be named. But seriously, you guys should trust me on this. I wish I could tell you, but I can't. If I could you'd be super duper jealous about my wicked awesome sources.

(Curtain)
(Scene opens with a newly appointed Greg Davis giving Garret Gilbert a sensual full body massage before the first game of the season. Mack enters jovially.)
Mack: Gilbert, I know we had a lot of problems last year, and thankfully we were able to pin everything on shitbag here...
GD: Shitbag?! I thought we were friends?!
Mack: That was just for the press you inept old fart. Just be thankful I didn't assign you to be Fozzy's fluffer. (back to GG) Now, as I was saying, I know we have these other two (does air quotes) "quarterbacks" who want to beat you out like Chris Brown, but I want you to know, I believe in you. You're my favorite.
GG: REALLY?! You really mean that coach?
Mack: Gilbert, you’re a firework. Now come on show 'em what you’re worth!

(GG proceeds to trip over his shoe laces, knock over the Gatorade bucket, step on Samantha Steele's feet, put his helmet on backward, and throw multiple interceptions)

Mack: You've got to be shitting me... Case! Ash! Get over here. All that I just told Gilbert? Bullshit. He’s not a firework. He’s not even a fucking match head. You both get to compete to see who really is my favorite. Make it happen. You’re sexy and you know it.
Case & Ash: Thanks, coach! We won’t let you down. (Case and Ash shuffle away)

(Interlude with the penguins from Happy Feet)

(Curtain opens with Mack beating Case with a garden hose)

Mack: (hands the hose to Diaz) Your defenses are bat shit insane. Continue this S&M while I reassess the situation. The safe word is "fire zone." (yelling) ASH! Come here, Ash, you sexy little thing. (Ash shuffles over with a look of glee) Ok, I’m just gonna stand here and watch these other two guys burn. But, don't worry. It's alright because they like the way it hurts.
Connor Wood: Shit officially just got weird. Screw this noise, I'm outta here.
Mack: Well to hell with you and the sexy pants horse you rode in on. I never liked you anyway. NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE! (exit Wood in a terrified rage) Anyway, Ash, this is your shot. You’re my favorite. Don’t fuck it up.
Ash: I’m really your favorite?
Mack: Of course. Baby, you were born this way.

(Cue dream sequence of Ash being incapable of throwing the football into the ocean from a boat. Mack awakens Ash from his slumber with a set of high voltage testicle clamps)

Ash: AHHH!! What the hell are you doing? I was having a dream!!

Mack: No, Ash, you weren't. That shit really happened, and I'm here to save you from yourself.

Ash: Well what the hell is with the testicle clamps!?!
Mack: Oh, those. Well, Harsin got mad at me when I put these on him. He can probably beat me up, but it will take a lot of trickeration to do it. I'm pretty wily for an old man, you know?
Ash: The fuuu...
Mack: Shut it! Ash, Colt could throw the football to Shipley while Shipley was in a god damned moving boat and Colt was on the shore with a fishing pole in one hand, a Shiner in the other, and a football in the other. Also, they were roommates, just want to be sure you know that.
Ash: I, umm...what the hell does being roommates have to do with anything?
Mack: EVERYTHING? Why do you think they were so successful? Hell, the only reason we did so well with Davis was he and I were roommates for the better part of a decade! Everything went to shit when Sally finally got fed up with me giving him the top bunk... (Mack trails off into deep, spiritual thought)
Ash: Coach?
Mack: Oh...right! Ocean, football, fluffers...
Ash: Fluffers?
Mack: Forget about it. What do you have to say for yourself?
Ash: I…I…I was born this way?
Mack: Damn right you were. Case, get over here.

Case: (sheepishly) Umm…yeah, coach???

Mack: You have a pedigree, so I’m giving you the reins. For real this time. Besides, you know how Notre Dame has touchdown Jesus? Well (points to Ash) this chap here is turnover Moses, and that other bro is off having intercourse with a pony on some private school campus. I heard it from two independent sources tied into the SMU athletic department. They twited it, I think. You're really my only viable option left. Guess who's my favorite?!

Case: I...I am...WAIT! You were beating me with a hose just a few weeks ago!
Mack: That's how I show my love to you. Ask Major, I beat him with a hose before every game.
Major: It's true. The rubber does wonders for the skin!

Case: That's what my girlfriend tells me when she's trying to make me wear a cond...(gets abruptly cut off by Mack)
Mack: Immaterial! See? Now, get out of here Applesauce before I send you back to the deep south.
Major: Oh, God, no. Not there, anywhere but there! Husbands divorce their wives and keep them as their sisters in those states! (Runs away screaming. The faint sounds of sobbing and the words "so much incest" can be heard in the distance)
Mack: See. What did I tell you? You're my faavvy!
Case: Umm...are...are you sure?
Mack: Damn right I'm sure. Now hit them, baby, one more time.

(Curtain)