54b - OmBONsman Responds

Thank you to all of you brave enough to submit questions...you will always be part of the first (and probably last) OmBONsman Mailbag...on to the questions:

How can I know when an aggie is acting in true form vs. acting uppity? - TXStampede

Thank ewe for starting us off with what I'm pretty sure is a trick question. When is an Aggie not uppity? I mean seriously, this is a fan base that never sits down because they shit themselves every time a dog barks. But since you bothered to ask, I figured I'd do due diligence and ask our resident agronomist what he thought...unfortunately Beergut was too busy mattress shopping and trying to calculate his Sheep Number to respond. Oh well, best policy is just to give them a wide berth and remember what zoo keepers always say, "Aggies are more afraid of you than you are of them."

As an attorney I'm suppose to bill hourly at work. Instead, I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to follow the Longhorns and checking BON relentless to see if there are any new developments. - Wrangler86

(Please insert your own lawyer overabundance joke here). I swear BON has got to be the most latently litigious sports site on the interwebs. Hell, half our site editors have their JDs and I'm pretty sure Dime was a Court Reporter in a past life.

If I ever need any free legal advice or want to find out how to file a claim on the mineral rights under DKR via my season ticket donation, I bet I'd get more qualified answers here than I would on LegalZoom because none of you lawyers can resist an opportunity to counsel counselors.

Rant over.

As for your addiction to BON, I don't know...get a puppy.

More helpful responses after the jump...

When are there going to be BON t-shirts, coozies etc? - OnMySignal

Good question. I have a whole trunk full of snappy casual v-necks with the words, "Vote For Pedro Frijole" on the front and "Visit BON.com and all your wildest dreams will come true" on the back." But Webmaster and amateur luchador Peter Bean said no way Jose to that idea arguing that the shirts were in violation of BON's dress code and "no political rhetoric" policy. So I'm out of the t-shirt business, but if you're looking for some ideas for the upcoming fall ironic t-shirt fashion season, here are some ideas...

"Visit the BON and see what pops up."
"5-7? I was told there would be no math."
"Want to know when UT will win again, count to Diaz"
"Will Muschamp is our H.C.I.Florida"
"Willie Lyles sold my other t-shirt to Oregon."
"It's not officially summer until Benson hits the blotter."
"Longhorn Network - It's not TV, it's H-BevO"
"McCoy/Shipley 2.0"

Is there any way BON could identify actual UT graduates among its commenters?  Maybe a sliding scale of 1) graduated or currently attending, 2) attended, 3) wanted to attend, but couldn't, 4) just hopped on the bandwagon after watching VY in the 2005 MNC game, and 5) Aggies, Sooners and other trolls. - Longhorn in Canada

Why stop there? I say we go fully transparent and include age, race, creed, political preference, IQ, penis length to girth ratio or bust size, credit score, Myers-Briggs type, out-y or in-y, favorite position (TE works on multiple fronts...just sayin'), paper or plastic, Team Edward or Team Jacob, spread or Power I, spit or swallow or yodel, etc.

Then again, maybe not.

I'll say tap the breaks on the BON Caste System and let the Longhorns without stars on their bellies or diplomas on their walls subject themselves to the same maddening, unrealistic expectations for Longhorns sports as the alumni. And truth be told, I don't really think being a diehard Longhorns fan has all that much to do with actually attending the school. I know people with three degrees from UT that wouldn't know a sheepskin from a pigskin. And many of them consider college athletics the bane of higher academia and a fruitless pursuit (whatever that means). And when I remind them that I managed to play football and get an education at UT, they say, "oh, I just thought you were fat in college."

Bottom line...you can't make everyone love you and you can't love everyone. But it's the love for UT athletics that binds us and love doesn't know diplomas from demographics...but eHarmony does.  So you might want to check them out. 
 

Where can I get a pre-law school Peter Bean type of spit-cup style commentary as his current content, while potent, timely, and all encompassing is great read if you like Harvard Business Review? - TXStampede

You can't, he's married and lawyered up. Honest sex and a regular paycheck will take a few miles off your fast ball every time. The PB I used to know never would have titled a post, "The Trouble With Aggies." Even Jane Austen queefed after reading that. I also didn't appreciate when he up and switched from Chicago to AP style, basically telling everyone to suck his serial comma. Don't worry, next time I run into PB I'm going to come at him like a spider monkey.

And now to BON's version of "When Harry Rec'd Sally"...

HE SAID: What's your opinion of fans who split their allegiance between Texas and another D-1 program? For example, let's say there was a fan who rooted intensely for both Texas and, say, Notre Dame? Do you consider them to be "real" Longhorn fans, or should we feel free to ignore their opinions on the Horns? - Hopkins Horn

SHE SAID: I have a related question. What about fans who are so divided in their loyalties that they can't even devote their entire screenname to Texas, instead splitting it with a reference to another school? Wouldn't you say that makes them worse fans? - LonghornEm

Seriously you two, get a chat room already...I'm an Ombudsman, not a chaperone. That said, you both bring up interesting questions. No doubt LonghornEm's allegiance to both God's chosen University and the God Squad is a study in duality only the Pope could unravel. She seems to manifest her inability to matriculate monogamously in a relentless storm of animated gifs that she hopes will build walls to simultaneously hide her guilt and separate her from the reality she can't confess. Personally, I secretly hope she's a Nun with a bad habit cuz that's probably the only thing that could make Hopkins Horn stop eating Whataburger on Fridays.

Speaking of HH, oh yeah, he definitely sports the tuxedo t-shirt of screen names...it suggests he wants to be formal, but he's also here to party. He was so hungover the day he graduated from Johns Hopkins, he asked if he could take the "Bevocratic Oath." He's rethinking specializing in Gynaecology and laments that the personalized license plate on his Volvo ("Dr. Horny") isn't as cool as his BON alter ego.

Can you stop this couple (from visiting every Whataburger)? It is now my singular purpose in life to do this before anyone else. - Hopkins Horn

Oh Dear Lord, they look like a fast feeder version of American Gothic. Please tell me that's Morgan Spurlock in disguise and he's currently filming, "Super Size Me 2 - Electric Burgerloo." Regardless, why stop them? If I've learned one thing about gastronomic gluttony, it's that the colon wants what the heart can't have. 

BTW, is there better job than doing R&D for Whataburger? "Okay team, we need a new creation to capture the elastic imaginations and forgiving waistbands of our blue collar constituency...the catch is you can only use the ingredients currently found in our stores."

"Yeah, I got it, let's put six chicken tenders infused with enough gravy, bbq sauce and corporate fascism to choke a Bolshevik on some Texas toast, then add a slice of melted pepper jack along with a jalapeno kicker. We'll call it the 'Whatabastard' and serve it with a Pepto chaser and a coupon for a free trial of Doxidan."

How am I supposed to spray perfume on an email? Is there a limit to the number of animated gif's per letter I write? - pleaseplaykindle

Not if the object of your affection goes to Notre Dame apparently.

Where is TBone Stalone? - kriess

Well up until a few months ago, I would have said he's living in a 3-2 split-level on a quiet cul-de-sac in Abbottabad...but now, I don't know. I like to think of T-Bone walking into the vast wasteland of a dystopian future a la the end of the movie, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome...except Tina Turner is singing, "I want to be your private dancer" instead of "We don't need another hero." Ain't we a pair?

Stay hard, BONers,

54b - OmBONsman