To all you Longhorns fans complaining about your inability to get the Longhorn Network, in your drunken rage did you ever stop to think about those less fortunate football fans who are also being hurt by all this? That's right, the innocent Rice Owls.
So let's show a little respect and take a minute to apologize to them...
It's your old pal, UT. Well not really, but we did have 9th grade biology together, remember? I still laugh about the time I used your shyness and inability to talk to girls to illustrate Darwin's theory of natural selection. Oh, sweet memories.
Speaking of those special times, I hope you're not still angry about when I tricked you into doing a blindfolded sit-up into my butt crack after gym class. That was thoughtless of me and there's no excuse for that kind of behavior, especially after having had Taco Bell for lunch that day. What can I say, I was just a dumb kid.
Anyway, the real reason I'm contacting you today is to apologize about this whole LHN mess. I know what you're thinking and no, LHN is not the recently discovered moon orbiting around Uranus or the pesticide causing low birth weight in Emperor Penguins. It's actually my very own television network and it also happens to be the only channel airing our football game tomorrow. Yes, believe it or not, Rice still participates in that sport you swore was only played by mouth-breathers and public school children.
And though I know you don't watch television unless Neil deGrasse Tyson or reruns of the original Star Trek are on, you should know that I'm sorry anyway that the game will only be available on like 2% of televisions. But think about it this way, you actually have a better chance of getting to second base than you do of seeing this game.
Okay, so good luck tomorrow. And please know that Deloss wasn't really going to take your lunch money had you refused to be on LHN. He only steals from the Aggies.