Much has been made of the demands Texas is making on the PAC 12. What has not been known until this moment, is that UT is negotiating on behalf of both the Texas and Oklahoma schools. My sources within the administration have uncovered a partial list of demands, which Bill Powers and Larry Scott will take to the PAC 12.* It is anticipated that they will be unanimously accepted because the PAC 12 just can't quit us.
* Note: In case it isn't obvious, I have no sources within the administration.
Draft from the Desk of William the Conqueror:
1) Regarding the future of the LHN: Texas will have editorial control of any future regional replacement of the LHN. If, in the interest of harmony, we should share the new network with Texas Tech then Mike Leach will be hired as the chief analyst of "Texas Tech and Pirateology". He will cohost one hour of live, prime time programming with Jimmy Buffett from a Cheeseburger in Paradise in Miramar Beach.
2) Regarding the Conference: In all conference meetings, I shall be addressed as "William the Conqueror" and David Boren shall be addressed as "King David". Dave is too nice to say anything, but I know neither of us wants to spring for new business cards.
3) Regarding Washington State: It has come to my attention that, despite having over 250,000 maps in the Perry-Castaneda library, there is no map to Pullman, Washington. We will require GPS coordinates. OU doesn't want directions because Jerry Schmidt is allegedly able to smell your fear from Norman. Tech will not stop asking: "if it's true. They really have trees?" T. Boone just wants to know how you plan to win any football games without oil. Please answer these interrogatories at your earliest convenience. Except OU's, they just ask that you "stand upwind and keep quivering".
4) Regarding Oregon: Oregon must pick a uniform design and stick to it. Varying visual offensiveness is an unfair competitive advantage, and such aggression will not stand. Also, you have to take Joey Harrington back. He refuses to leave the LHN studios and is beginning to ripen.
5) Regarding UCLA: You will fire your current head coach and acquire a new one. Preferably someone competent. After dropping our dead weight, we thoroughly defeated a talented Bruin squad with essentially a well coached high school all-star team. Also, if you want to negotiate with Mike Leach, you'll have to come through the LHN. Excuse me, the "Pac 15 & Longhorn Network"
6) Regarding USC: You will keep Lane Kiffin as head coach until Bob Stoops makes him cry on television or Pete Carroll comes back. Also, you will give Ed Orgeron a cooking show to be aired on the Pac 15 & Longhorn network.
7) Regarding Oregon State: You and Oklahoma State shall work out an arrangement for abbreviations and color scheme that will be less confusing both for casual fans and ESPN sideline analysts.
8) Regarding Cal: You are my Alma Mater, and I love you. You will begin all conference meetings by acknowledging that Texas won two consecutive Rose Bowls during the last decade. Further, you shall begin each meeting by acknowledging that you haven't been to the Rose Bowl since 1959. You shall do this without breaking down in tears. Buck up Bears, uncle Billy the Conqueror is here to get you through this. The final stage of grief is acceptance.
9) Regarding Stanford: You shall not steal another future NFL first round quarterback from underneath Mack Brown's nose. You shall also agree to play Rice in the future, because your bands will make hilarious music together. William the Conqueror likes hilarious music.
10) Regarding Washington: Mack Brown requires one fresh, wholesome apple for each member of the team and staff on a daily basis, as well as a baker's dozen for Bevo. In exchange, he offers Dr. Pepper made with real cane sugar in Dublin, Texas. I would take his offer because when Mack Brown wants your sandwich, he gets your sandwich.
11) Regarding Arizona State: Ruuuuuuu-dyyyyyyy.
12) Regarding Colorado: We're back, now stop crying. Oh, that's why you're crying? Carrying on then.
13) Regarding Utah: Can you get me tickets to The Book of Mormon? BYU isn't returning our calls right now.
14) Regarding Arizona: Other than the fact his brother is a good coach, explain why you hired Mike Stoops in at least 5,000 words. Send your essay by carrier pigeon to Mike Leach, who will read it aloud during his show. I believe read aloud, in pirate-speak, from an open mike night at a Cheeseburger in Paradise, is the only way the rest of us can appreciate the unbound genius of your decision.
(Editor's note: I have no idea what UT will ask for in negotiations, but I do enjoy the mythical, conference destroying powers currently attributed to Bevo. Texas is so frightening Syracuse and Pitt killed the Big East!)