(WARNING: This post offers nothing in the way of statistical analysis, recruiting speculation or tutelage gleaned from a large, tobacco using informant. Please know that I intend to put you in humour's way and that you will probably be dumber for having read this...but at least it won't give you West Nile. You're welcome.)
Hey BONers, are you ready to RISE up?
Wait, don't answer that.
For the un-inebriated, my name's 54b. You may remember me from such educational films as Ask The Roman Empire If the Two-Quarterback System Works and Drinking and Dining on 6th Street Pizza Can Kill A Scholarship.
Indeed, I like to think I give the layfan everything he or she didn't need to know about Longhorns football on strictly a you needn't know basis or, based on my latest posting track record, just when I manage to sober up long enough to remember my password.
Okay, let's dispense with the formal informalities and talk 2012 Texas Longhorns Football. It's time once again for the always unbiased, unabated, unabridged, unethical, uneducated, uncensored and of course, back by unpopular demand...
UN-SCHEDULED POP QUIZ
1) (True or False) University of Wyoming founders selected the school's colors to honor the Great Toilet Paper Famine of 1865 that plagued boarding houses throughout the mountain states for much of the latter part of the 19th century causing many local dwellers to refer to the region as the "Incontinental Divide."
2) Uninterestingly enough, New Mexico will be the second team in as many weeks from the Mountain West Conference to face Texas in a game televised solely on the much embattled Longhorn Network.
Be prepared to explain why this coincidence is: 1) A sure sign UT is seriously considering joining the Mountain West; 2) A sign that it's Manifest Destiny for DirecTV and other major providers to add LHN; or 3) Simply a sign that UT's non-conference schedule wasn't worthy of being televised in the first place.
3) Rebel, The Black Bear recently made its debut as the Ole Miss mascot beating out four other finalists voted on by students to replace the venerable Col. Reb, who was deemed too representative of negative southern stereotypes. Which of the following mascot candidates came in 2nd place:
A) Robert E., The Leech
B) Faulkner, The Leg Hound
C) Grisham, The Ambulance Chaser
D) Grover, The Trouser Snake
We'll get into conference play after the jump...
4) In an absolutely amazing twist of fate only Dickens could truly appreciate, super booster T. Boone Pickens donated $165 Million to his alma mater Oklahoma State, and more specifically, to the athletics department for the purposes of upgrading the facilities and bolstering the lackluster Cowboys Football Program. Sure enough, just a few short years later, OSU won the school's first Big XII Conference Championship. Are the Cowboys realizing Mr. Pickens' great expectations or artfully dodging the NCAA? Discuss.
5) One of these Big XII teams is not like the others /
One of the teams just doesn't belong /
Can you tell which team is not like the others /
By the time I finish my song?
(Hint: It's West Virginia.)
6) In light of the recent seemingly premature reinstatements of several Oklahoma football players that had been kicked off the team for "violating team rules," which of the following can we reasonably assume would happen if Bob Stoops were made responsible for disciplinary actions at all NCAA member schools?
A) Penn State would still be singing "Sweet Caroline" in um, Beaver Stadium
B) Bobby Petrino would still be riding more than one kind of Hog
C) Ohio State and Miami would be eligible to play each other in the Swag Bowl
D) The Honey Badger would be starting for the Sooners this Saturday night
E) All of the above.
7) Better pick-up line to use when approaching a Baylor coed at a Waco lock-in: "I'll eat your apple if you'll talk to my snake" or "Is your bush on fire because it's been calling my name all night?"
8) New head coach and plus-size windbreaker model Charlie Weis punctuated a recent Kansas football pep rally by threatening to fight any Jayhawks fan who tried to leave a home football game at halftime this season. In response, the KU student body nominated one girl and one boy student to attempt to leave and renamed halftime, The Hunger Games. How will the affect attendance?
9) Is that whacky judge out in Lubbock predicting that a Civil War will erupt after the upcoming Presidential election because he's concerned about the future of this country or because he knows Texas Tech's Defense couldn't defend a cockroach eating a Twinkee?
10) Fact: There is no point in asking a question about Iowa State when the only possible answer is Steele Jantz.
11) TCU has been on an all time high since being invited to join the Big XII Conference. Are the Hornfrogs more nervous about replacing A&M as UT's Thanksgiving Day opponent or finding a Taco Bell that's open that day?
12) The "E" in the Longhorns' team motto, "R.I.S.E." currently stands for "Emotion." But shouldn't it stand for, "Explain," as in, Explain how in the hell Texas keeps losing to Kansas State?
Okay, I think we're ready to rise up and win a bakers' dozen.
Wishing you all a safe and happy college football season. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year...to drink beer.
PS. By the way, my safety word also just happens to be RISE. In fact, I recommend doubling down on the football team's yearly motto and using it as your safety word or phrase too. "Take Dead Aim" was an exciting year.