After further review, officials ruled that Mack Brown did not stop the opposition from crossing the goal line at Belmont Hall Field. Upon the announcement, haters and whiners everywhere rejoiced in their early Christmas gift and reveled throughout the internet talking deliriously about a second coming. That they represented only a few hundred hostile and unsophisticated dimwits appeared not to matter, as they tore down the goal post at Belmont Hall Field and looked skyward awaiting Darrell Royal’s return.
According to Wescott Eberts, the young OC for the haters and whiners, "Wow, it was a hard fight and I really appreciated Mack Brown’s effort for sixteen years, ;). If you want to see how I really feel read my post from 6:39 last night. I’m a bad ass and love to pile on after a victory."
This writer has attempted to contact other Longhorn stakeholders and obtained the following comments:
According to Earl Campbell, a Longhorn legend and noted pundant, "Glad they listened to me. I spoke to Lam, Ham and Jam (the real Joneses) and they agreed with me that Fred Akers should be selected as the new coach."
Kirk Bohls, the feisty and oldest remaining sports writer at the Austin American Statesman just stated, "Mack was classy, smart and a helluva guy but he’s my age and far too old to still be working. Plus he would never join my internet chat every Wed at 11:00 to say who he wanted to replace himself. I hope his successor will allow the media to watch all practices and hang out in the players’ locker room."
Steve Patterson, the new AD who in only a few days has been whipsaw from savior to goat to hero by the whiners and haters just told me, "This AD stuff is tough. Do I have to deal with all the idiots who cry on the internet because we don’t win the Big XII and beat OU every year? OMG, OMG, OMG. However, I have a plan to make sure we never ever get into a coaching controversy. Our new coach, and I’m looking at everyone who hasn’t signed a long term contract with huge buyouts as well as high school and junior high coaches, will be on probation for the first 3 years and will be evaluated daily by me and everyone else who browses the Longhorn web site and reads at least three blogs. He will also be evaluated based on the score of the Orange/White spring game. Then, we’ll look at the differentials in each non-conference game to make sure he’s neither soft nor sportsmanlike. Any clapping on the sideline will be dealt with on Sundays. I hope that will satisfy all haters and whiners everywhere and allow us to regain the number 1 ranking to which we’re entitled."
Mr. Moxie, Chase McCoy just came by to express his condolences and say that he appreciated Mack’s trust in him and that he had done the best he could to save Mack’s job.
Also reports have it that Manny Diaz was seen in Miami after a long night of commiseration. Manny’s first words when he was approached on Collins Ave. were, "500 stunts, alignments and schemes are not too much for 18-22 year olds to learn. Mack didn’t give me enough time to instill all the plays necessary to stop the QB reads. I’m available for a head coaching job if the ‘Horns are interested."
Finally, this writer had a chance to talk with Joe Jamail, the 5+ star source from Houston. "Yep, Mack and I discussed his leaving. It’s been planned since the 3rd quarter of the Baylor game. Even though I told him I would sue anyone who moved to oust him before Red and I are ready, Mack said ‘I’m done. I don’t need the bs that goes along with a job like this nor do I feel like being the foil for a handful of angry, ignorant, and entitled fans and wannabe writers who have nothing better to do than tear down people and institutions, especially since I can’t fight them on their own turf. I ran a clean program, worked hard and did my best to build a classy program and brand of which everyone could be proud. I also mentored thousands of young men as they became adults and feel extremely pleased of the impact I’ve had on their lives and careers. I hope my successor feels similarly about this great school and program. If the haters and whiners think won/loss records are the only metrics to define success, they must lead very limited lives. Good night and good luck to all.’"
And so it goes…