The Texas Longhorns will select Chip Brown as their new head coach effective in 2014. While Mr. Brown is known for his vast insight and his occasional Longhorn scoops, the fact that his name is Brown appeared to be a key criteria for his selection. “This is an attempt to assuage half of the fragmented Longhorn Nation while appeasing the other half,” according to a well-placed source.
According to Coach Brown, “I’m very pleased to be UT's football coach and will do my very best to follow in the footsteps of Coach Brown.”
“Uh oh,” commented numerous posters from Carking Barnival, the humorless Longhorn humor blog now known as Snarking Barnacle, as it has become densely populated by sticky, useless, and annoying crustaceans that must be scraped clean from time to time. “Anyone named Brown who seeks to emulate ‘him’ is starting behind the eight ball. You can’t replace one Brown with another; that never works. We’ve already begun writing commentary with poisoned pen to support our long-time scorched Longhorn policy and we will continue to personally attack anyone named Brown. In fact, we’ll go after anyone who has anything to do with the color Brown.”
The house bloggers at the Barnacle are preparing a must do list in order for Coach “Chip” Brown to stay out of trouble. Several of their gang of followers, who themselves have little to add but enjoy saying “great piece,” “good job,” and “Mack/Chip sucks” over and over, emerged from their temporary quiescence to support their fellow bottom feeders.
According to Sickio Tex and Saviour Ripley, sometimes referred to as the SS, “We may say things now and then that are ugly, mean and disrespectful but that’s not our intent. We try to be witty and pithy but we are suffering from ‘roid rage and our sacs are so full of testosterone that they’ve become sour balls, and I don’t mean the candy. It’s not personal. We treat our families the same way. We’re really nice guys but if you don’t treat us with deference we’ll have you kicked off the site faster than you can say Barnacle Bill.”
This writer has been informed that the major accomplishments that must be obtained by Coach Brown, according to the SS, are: (1) he must recruit at least 6 five stars every year, (2) blow out the opposition at every Orange/White game, (3) beat OU 7 consecutive times or until Bob Stoops begs for forgiveness, (4) allow 3.5 concussions per student-athlete before he must sit out a game, (5) win the Big XII so many times that eventually no one shows up at DKR and (6) never, ever, under any circumstances clap or show sportsmanship, unless it’s with one hand or one finger.
FakeKen&BarbieStupendous, a Barnacle regular, voiced one more demand even though one might assume s/he has more important problems to deal with, “The ‘Horns must have at least 4 quarterbacks on the bench who would otherwise be starting on any other team. I don’t care what we have to promise them nor do I care if they ever play a single down of football in their careers so long as we have them on our bench in Case we need them. I don’t want them to play for any other team and prove an embarrassment to our program. And, if I may speak for my other half, we need jerseys with a little more couture, like Oregon’s.”
When asked why the criteria for success are so rigid for the new coach, WWMcSnide said, “This is a job, not a sport. These boys don’t go to UT to learn – they go to play football and make us proud – and add meaning to our lives, not theirs. Once they’re done I don’t care what happens…unless they play on Sunday at which time I’ll be interested for a few more years and again when they get CTE. Bring on the gladiators and let’s spill some blood!”
“Look, there’s one more thing that I still find outrageous,” commented another slimy barnacle. “Mack got paid more than all of us combined times 100. I know UT can afford it but it’s simply not right – he was just a football coach. He should have given all but $50,000 and his parking space to the needy, like me. If I have to live in a double-wide why shouldn’t he? I care as much about the ‘Horns as he did and I probably spent more of my time than he did worrying about Stoops, Briles and that Gundy guy. No one except Nick Saban is worth that much money and he’s only worth it because he prepares for every contingency never makes a game-time mistake.”
Late breaking news: Coach “Chip” Brown just told this reporter that he has decided to scoop himself and has offered the following insight on his immediate priorities as the new Longhorn coach. “I will remain Coach for as long as they pay me. I will fire all of Mack’s staff except for coaches named Brown or coaches who have relatives who are named Brown or have brothers, sons or nephews that are over 6’1” or run 4.4 40s. UT’s colors will remain burnt orange and white and the program will continue to recruit student-athletes with tattoos. There will be no change to the Eyes of Texas, Texas Fight, or BEVO’s genderless identity and the ‘Horns will play all games at DKR except for the ones that are away. If any ticketholders ever confuse UT (Longhorns) with UT (Volunteers), in name or in color, they will have to sit in front of the godzillatron until they either go deaf or catch on fire.”
Kirk Bohls is now reporting that Earl Campbell just told him that given all that’s happened in recent weeks, he’s a little confused but he’s happy Coach Brown came back. “Since I kinda helped push Coach Brown out the first time I’m glad he is back as I felt kinda guilty – he never did anything bad to me. The next time I’m pressured for a comment by my friend, Kirk, I will keep my mouth shut!”
New AD, Steve Patterson had a final comment, “Bill, Red, Joe, Tom, Steve, Earl, Miss Edith and I all stand firmly behind Coach Brown. I look forward to his long tenure at our fine institution, and I assure everyone that his job is not in jeopardy at this time. I will not respond to pressure, I will be fair and reasonable, and I intend to give him until half-time of our first game before making any decision as to his future so please, fellow Longhorns, STFU.”