Sadly, for the first time in the Mack Brown era, I will not be making the trip up I-35 from Dallas to Stillwater to catch the Horns take on the Pokes. It's easily one of my favorite road trips and regardless of the score on the field, it never fails to entertain. In honor of another edition of Longhorns vs. Cowboys from Boone Pickens Stadium, here's a look back at the 2007 edition when the Horns were struggling and still trying to find their team identity...
KEEPING OUR HEADS ABOVE STILLWATER
(54b's Road Trip Diary - November 3, 2007)
5:30 AM Dude, it's early, better hit the pre-flight checklist?
* Game tickets: check.
* Contraband cooler full of Bud Light: check.
* Denny's Placemat Map of Oklahoma (with grease stain on Norman): check.
* Ultra-White Lincoln Town Car: unfortunately, check.
In true 54b road trip vehicular fashion, the only two cars left in the Hertz Love Field parking lot was of course, the obligatory purple PT Cruiser and the one we took,"Grandpa's Chariot." You think you hate it now, wait ‘til you drive it. This tugboat's optional rally fun-pack came equipped with reclining hernia-massaging lumbar seats, a cozy coffin-sized trunk big enough for a Rascal, and a buttermilk biscuit air freshener from Luby's (no up charge). Big sucker, but smooth. You could circumcise a gnat doing 70 mph in it.
6:37 AM As a person who enjoys beer for breakfast, not much surprises me anymore...though I must admit that seeing five or six cars parked outside the DW Adult Bookstore near the Texas/Oklahoma border this early in the morning was a bit unsettling. I guess it's true what they say, "the early worm gets the porn."
6:53 AM You'd think after giving me the tolerance of a 13-year old school girl, God would have at least blessed me a bladder of steel. Oh no, when I was born, I came equipped with the Suzy Wets-a-lot model. Fortunately, Oklahoma is like one big toilet and you can pretty much pull over anywhere and water the OK State Tree, the telephone pole.
7:32 AM The obligatory Paul's Valley McDonalds stop...it's just far enough south of Norman that you can get your McGriddle on without having your McNuggets ripped off by some crazed Sooner fan who's rented one too many self-defense videos from DW's.
8:26 AM We're in the belly of the beast now: Norman, Oklahoma. My buddy Brad tries to temper my desire to stop and deface some Sooner public property by pointing out how beautiful the Waffle House looks this time of year. Freakin' Sooners. I'd like to give them a piece of my..."Mmmm, waffles...but can't we just stop and yell OU sucks...maple syrup...and tell Bob Stoops to kiss my...grits and hot links." Before I know it, we're in OKC and my Boomer outburst has subsided.
9:03 AM North of OKC in the middle of BFE listening to what could easily be the worst sports talk radio show ever on KOKP, 1020AM. It features two guys commenting on high school football scores even though it was painfully obvious they had no idea what actually happened in the games and were just reading scores. They never mentioned one stat or even a player's or coach's name. Here's a little playback...
"Up first, the big one, Guthrie 65, Tonka 7."
"Yah-ouch, that's a big score."
"Yes it is, Tonka just didn't score enough points last night."
"No they didn't, they're going to have score more next week if they expect to win."
9:27 AM Rolling into Stillwater feeling full of Longhorn pride and something else...yep, I gotta pee again. And since we're not in a hurry, Clay begrudgingly drops me off at a Conoco/Subway Sandwich station with what had to be the world's smallest bathroom. It was so cramped you could wipe your arse and blow your nose with one swipe, although I wouldn't recommend doing it in that order. Oh well, at least now I know where Jared found the inspiration to lose all the weight.
9:47 AM Stillwater! Standing in a line drinking what's left of our Texas beer with a bunch of OSU fans while waiting for Eskimo Joe's to open. In the spirit of Big XII brotherhood, Brad offers a Cowpoke fan one of our Bud lights while I say in my best Folgers Crystals spokesman voice: "We've secretly replaced Jethro's 3.2 Okie beer with a beer that has twice the alcohol. Let's watch..."
10:00 AM Release the pounds...first one to grab a table and order a plate of Chili-Cheese Fries with ranch dressing wins an Eskimo Joe's t-shirt and a defibrillator. Perusing Joe's Gameday Menu is like staring into a veritable cornucopia of glutinous delight and lamenting the fact that you're not wearing Sansabelt Waist-Forgiveness trousers.
10:47 AM Apparently, we are now sitting next to the "most interesting man in the world." His name is John Davis and he proudly proclaims not to have missed a Texas football game in 44 years. He even has business cards. His business, being a Texas Fan. "He doesn't always drink soy milk, but when he does, he prefers Dos %." Stay thirsty, John.
12:23 PM I've now consumed an entire plate of cheese fries, a pulled pork sandwich, and three trips to the little boy's room worth of beer. My stack of colorful plastic beer cups with smiling Eskimo faces on them has gotten so high, I feel like I'm playing "Round-Eye Roulette" on a late night Japanese Game Show.
1:33 PM Problem: The smiling Eskimo on my plastic beer cup is now talking shit to me. Bigger problem: I'm calling his bluff. Hey bartender, Muk-Luck needs a refill.
2:02 PM Trying to ask the waitress how many names the Eskimos have for beer when Brad drags me out of there to...
Except for the 4th quarter (obviously), sitting in the stands at T. Boone's Farm was absolutely miserable. I'd say misery loves company, but the Cowpokes, in their infinite wisdom, divided the Texas fans in half, putting the band and the player's parents in one endzone and the rest of us burnt orange refugees in the other. Regardless, we all received more than adequate sunlight, like ants under a magnifying glass and if that wasn't bad enough, we had to endure the OSU public address announcer screaming, "And That's Another Cowboy....FIRST DOWN" 29 times. Yeah, twenty-NINE times.
Fortunately, just when we didn't think we could take it any longer (down 35-14 at the end of the 3rd quarter), Mack stopped clapping long enough to very demonstratively rip the Longhorn Defense a new one. I don't know what he said, but it helped. Somehow we prevented the Cowboys "prolific" offense from getting "another...FIRST DOWN" and as you are all well aware, the Real McCoy and the Jamaal-American returned to save the day. Oh and Ryan Bailey, thank you. Thank you very much.
By the way, the renovations to the stadium are actually pretty awesome, especially if you'd seen what it looked like before. It was so run down, they gave a free tetanus shots.
If you've never been to Stillwater for a game, it's well worth the trip.