What kind of BONer are you?

Bumped from the diaries, for obvious reasons. Enjoy.

Since football season ended, I've noticed a sharp increase in BON-on-BON contributor hate crimes, and all this crossing of the swords makes me tense. A lot of nasty things have been hastily written to denigrate or belittle a fellow commentator, many of them hilarious and justified, but still contentious and nasty nonetheless.

I, myself, instigated a "Go F*ck Yourself" social experiment which indirectly led to the expulsion of a lonely, petulant contributor named "Brazos" whose only crime was his desire to spread his Pro-Aggie agenda and share his love of painting toy soldiers. His BON insurrection was summarily silenced and he was exiled to Inbred-fed blogs where he now spends his days spouting political rhetoric about the rebirth of the Agrarian Race and plotting his revenge (sleep well PB). But while he is the literary equivalent to a mild rectal itch that turned quickly into a full blown hemorrhoid, he did serve a unique purpose, as many a BON responder focused their attention and ire towards Brazos' divisive posts rather than upon each other's submissions.

Moreover, no doubt the BON administration also felt a disturbance in overall site harmony, as evidenced by PB's recent attempt to re-channel all this pent up contributor rage towards a common foe in his single elimination "Enemy of the Nation" tournament that somehow devolved into "Aggie All-Comer Survivor." Unfortunately, BON ENEMY #1 Kellen Heard can't post at this site because his mama considers the internet the tool of the devil, thus leaving the rest of us resolute to remain in our current state of civil unrest.

In fact, if a Longhorn fan - or any sports fan, for that matter happens - upon the BON of late and reads such immature in-fighting, he or she is liable to feel threatened or unwelcome, and will most likely leave, never to return. And considering the lifeblood of a blog is usually measured by the average daily traffic of the site, that, my BON-headed friends, is bad for business.

So where I am going with this? I don't know, just wait longer.

Call me crazy or just plain lazy, but I propose we post a CAVEAT EMPTOR sign of sorts, a quick glossary of each type of BON contributor somewhere near the top of the site so first-time visitors know just what they're getting into. I figure if we set new visitor expectations low enough, we'll surpass them for sure and have ourselves a BON customer for life (or at least until their I.T. Department Red Flags the site).

So what kind of BONer are you?

THE BASIC BONER or THE PETER (HornsFan): This contributor always brings insightful, thought provoking content to the site. His contribution is often timely and well-researched, usually makes a valid point or argument, and most importantly and notably, shows a mutual respect for his fellow reader/contributor. Without these type of commentators, there would be no BON. One might even be so bold as to call them the "backBON" of the site. But I digress. (BTW, about 85% of BON contributors fall into this category.)

THE BIZARRO BONER or THE ANTI-PETER (Dvehabovic): The stream of conscious commentator. He gets a thought in his head and time can't stand still long enough for him to post it. These guys are easy to spot by their blatant disregard for the English language and depravity of oxygen to the brain while posting. It's like they're typing without breathing. They don't even have time to buy a vowel when entering their screen name. In fact, they give new meaning to the phrase "haste makes waste," as their non sequitur-style postings almost never make a point and almost always confuse or offend. On the upside, though, they can be quite entertaining and normally generate an abundance of responses.

THE BASKETBONER (Awiggo): The hoops junkie struggling for acceptance in a web community hopelessly and unabashedly enthralled by college football. But like the Basic BONer, the BasketBONer provides rich content and the passion and knowledge with which they write converts readers to the ways of the round ball almost daily. Unfortunately, their quest is all uphill, as the majority of Burnt Orange Nation was unaware UT had a basketball team until TJ Ford graced us for two very memorable seasons. Gen X Penders fans are too few and far between to carry any real weight around BON.

THE PROGRESSIVE PARTY BONER (Wells): Mr. Positive. It doesn't matter how myopic or ineffective UT's offensive coordinator may be or how many pounds of marijuana the cops just found in our star tailback's Jan Sport, this contributor makes no apologies nor concessions and supports the Horns 100% with unmittigating resolve. They're Longhorn zealots to be sure. So steadfast is their bias towards the burnt orange, that if OJ was a Longhorn, not only would this type of contributor think him not guilty, they'd probably rename the Law School after the Juice if they could.

THE SERIOUS BONER (Jason Mayer): So serious, in fact, this type of poster uses his own name as his screen handle so he can announce his presence with authority. Most likely a tight-whitey man who adheres to a strict two shakes only policy at the urinal, he has no time for tomfoolery and wants to get to the point A.S.A.P. While I admire the brevity and efficiency at which they dole out their decorum and dispatch their antagonists, I'm concerned that if they keep internalizing their constant need for order within the chaos that is BON, they may not be able to shit for a month.

THE T-BONER (T-Bone Stallone): The sexual deviant. Not really a type of contributor as he's pretty much one of a kind. After reading one of his comments or diaries, you usually feel an unnatural urge to return to your ignorant, blissful childhood while disinfecting your keyboard. His posts are always of a sexually explicit nature. In his world, sex is not only a sport, but a language, a currency, and a defense mechanism, as well. If he's not challenging your manhood, he's probably mutilating it. That being said, his clever whit is literary cleavage and he always gets the better of your prurient curiosity with a mastery of diction that would make even the most secular of readers repent.

THE MINORITY BONER (USCLink,MattH, WacArnold): Why fans of colleges other than UT (especially USC, OU and A&M) would want to hang out with a bunch of diehard Longhorn fans is beyond me. In fact, you might want to check their Favorites list for some bondage sites and their credit card statements for receipts from Madame Ballsmacker. I'm not judging - just saying it's a little weird to subject yourself to that kind of torture. Kinky, too. But if sports can do everything from galvanize the civil rights movement to mediate the rift between a hard headed father and an inconsonant son, then why can't these minority BON commentators prove Rodney King a profit and his words - Can't we all just get along? - a mantra for the times. What the hell? Let's get along or let's get it on, that's what I alwasy say anyway and these guys usually provide the balance to the checks we write but can't cash. The dissenting opinion is always the loudest, and thus their comments can be deafening.

THE DE-BONER (Patienthornsfan): The Cultural Attaché to the BON. Though the majority of us rigorously object with our grade schools retorts or abject apathy, this poster perseveres with blinders on to give us street-cred with Texas Women's Sports. You want proof? Cat Osterman didn't comment on the BON, but her mom emailed the authors. Why? Because we had a segment on Longhorn Softball. Hey, even if those posts did devolve into a debate as to whether Cat bats from both side of the plate, the point still remains that we expanded our minds on those days. We grew a little more tolerant and on nights after, we used one of Patienthornsfan's statistical fun facts on Girl's Volleyball to impress some chick on 6th street so we could take her home and BON her.

BONER LITE or THE VAGINER (Bacholorette): Every once in a while we get insight from the opposite gender. Unfortunately, her purpose for commenting on the BON has little do with talking sports and more to do with filling the void left by an emotionally unavailable father who wished she'd been born a strapping linebacker. Otherwise, she'd rather be swapping Brad/Angelina gossip and trading lip gloss application tips than talking to a bunch of dorks who wouldn't be spending all day chatting on the BON if they actually knew how to talk to a girl in the first place.

And last and certainly least...

THE 54-BONER (54b): The asshole advocate for the silent majority whether he was appointed or not (don't worry, I work Pro BONo). In fact, on many occasions, he'll take an opposing viewpoint, whether he believes in it or not, just to see if he can win an argument out of spite. Hateful bastards. Yet they can be quite droll and even, dare I say it, endearing at times. In fact, if you're not laughing with him, that's probably because everyone else is laughing at you.

IN CONCLUSION, I just want to say that I think it takes all kinds and I hope you all appreciate each and every type of contributor we have here at the BON. So before you tear into the next poster for saying something completely counterintuitive to your point of view or way of life, I want you to smile, and say, I hope this guy knows I'm just having fun when I rip him a new one.

Take care of yourselves, and each other.

54b

PS. If you feel your style of commenting has been underrepresented or misinterpreted on the aforementioned list, by all means, please enlighten us.