You Know, Stuff

by 54b on Nov 30, 2007 6:00 PM CST in Football Comment 11 comments

From 54b

We've had a ton of interesting conversation flying around this week...so I figured rather than carpet bomb every diary and post from the past few days like a dog roaming the neighborhood, I thought I'd just collect my thoughts, ideas, and inner most fears and spill my soul right here.

I welcome you to step out and walk around the ledge of my brain for a while...if you jump, I'll understand.

Things that make you say, "you know, I wasn't thinking that same thing at all..."

I used to think Colt McCoy and his "Malcom In the Middle" body frame was the most un-athletic looking QB I’d ever seen. And then I saw Chase Daniels. He has single-handledly debunked the stigma that chunky kids have to play on the o-line (I know you meant well, dad, but it still hurts). Anyway, Chase gives hope to bulbous faced kids like me every where. Though I heard when he scrambles, baby chickens abort.

Did you read the DMN sports page today...why are so many parents of Sooners players in prison? And do you think Curtis Lofton’s mom and Adrian Peterson’s dad hooked up in the pen? According to the warden, AD’s dad’s nickname is also "All Day," but he totes a different kind of ball. In other news, VY's dad posted bail by selling his "super baby making" sperm on Craig's List. Unfortunately a turkey baster won't load it, you'll need one of those T-shirt cannons to inseminate.

Is it just me or have you ever noticed how QB Sam Bradford’s eyes are set really far apart? Maybe it’s because he’s half Cherokee, half llama but I think if Sam’s eyes were closer together, he would have seen that Texas Tech linebacker baring down on him. My friend James said Bradford was the love child of Robby Benson and Bill Walton with bad acne.

Did anyone else notice that when Mike Leach twitched his crooked goblin nose during the onsides kick at the end of the Tech upset of OU, DeMarco Murray blew out his knee. Coincidence? I think not. That sweet orb has power...well, except over referees anyway. Regardless, I'm thinking SI's separated at birth piece featuring Leach and Valdamort was justified.

If OU wins the Big XII Title, I hear they’ll play Kansas in the Fiesta Bowl. I know what you're thinking and you're right, how the hell will Mangino muster enough moisture to keep the rice cooking in his jowls in those arid desert conditions? I don’t know, but if your his clipboard guy, you should wear a seatbelt. BTW, best College Gameday fan poster from last Saturday at Arrowhead: Picture of Mangino’s head with a thought bubble saying, "Mizzou, get in my belly."

Rumor has it that Arkansas and A&M will be playing at the Cowboy’s new stadium around the same time as TX/OU weekend. Can you imagine Longhorns, Sooners, Aggies and Razorbacks all converging on the Metroplex at the same time. None of those fan bases like each other and they all hate us. Holy shit, every hotel lobby, restaurant and bar in DFW would look like a scene straight out of Anchorman when all the news teams rumble...

Mack: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Akina: It jumped up a notch.
Mack: It did, didn't it?
Davis: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Mack: I saw that. Greg killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Davis: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Mack: Greg, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

My Longhorn Foundation donation solicitation extortion email arrived today (read: Pay us or lose your season tickets)...frankly, I’m surprised it wasn’t a singing telegram from Mia Hamm and Nomahhhh. "Did you enjoy that 2005 Championship...I hope you enjoyed it very much." Love, Bill "the Fluffer" Little

What I got out of Chip Brown’s Q&A newsletter this morning: The 2007 Texas Football season was a giant f*cking waste of time.

Team expectations/goals achieved: None ("We earned the right to shut the f*ck up")
Pre-Season promises kept: None (Except Akina breaking down and using Just-For-Men on his porn-stache)
Quality wins: None (But we're really good at recovering onside kicks)
UT Coaches on the hot seat: None (SMU did take a flyer on Greg Davis but decided they didn't deserve another death penalty.)
Satisfied Longhorns Fans: None (Only Bevo got "fixed" this year.)

While shaving with Occam's Razzor, I figured out why UT sucked this year...Duane Akina's defense got a false sense of security and prowess practicing against Greg Davis' offense every week..."Can't put my mustache on it coach, the defense looked good on Thursday." Is there any wonder Duane Akina is the leading candidate to fill the vacant Washington Generals head coaching job?

10) "Texas football players Andre Jones and James Henry were indicted Thursday by a Travis County grand jury in connection with an alleged robbery in July involving former Texas football player Robert Joseph. According to police, Joseph and Jones broke into an apartment in southeast Austin on July 27 and stole cash, cell phones and gaming equipment."

Let’s hope they’re acquitted because I don’t think any of us could stand the irony if the football team was given Nintendos as bowl prizes.

Speaking of bowls...I took a straw poll of all my UT friends to gage interest in going to whatever bowl game UT ended up at and let’s just say, Dennis Kucinich has a better shot at the White House. Regardless, I will be there...just look for the guy wearing the T-Shirt that reads:

Longhorn football made me hate myself...hold me

And last but not least...a nod to baskeball (read: acceptance that football season has failed and the herd must move on to survive):

Does Bill Simmons' Ewing Theory apply to Kevin Durrant and the 2007-08 Texas Longhorns Basketball team? Honestly, I can't really get into basketball yet, but I think it's all we've got...well, unless A&M beats us at that too. If that happens, I may have to cryogenically freeze my ego. I can only imagine at the Swearing-In Ceremony of Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense that he said something to the effect of, "If I can fix Aggie basketball, I can fix Iraq, bitches."

That's all I got, thanks for playing.

Stay classy.

--54b--

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Lesson:

Never walk the ledge with a pessimist or a cynic.

Of course, you could push the cynic off; he'd expect it.

by whills on Nov 30, 2007 6:09 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

That's insane

What a crazy weekend it would be in DFW with all of those teams. I think Lee Corso might get killed.

My boo is Hunter Lawrence. That's right, I took a kicker. Another great example of why you shouldn't wait until you get home to read BON.

by chief on Nov 30, 2007 6:39 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Don't be such an optimist.

Besides, the bled-through-the-nose crowd should be safely hidden in the Ft. Worth environs, not the ever so cosmopolitan Dallas domains. Too exciting by their standards.

And from what I know, the state fair is still in Dallas, not in Arlington with $10 sno cones.

by whills on Dec 1, 2007 4:58 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Hilarious

Nice to see that Barking Carnival flavor over here.

I was trying to figure out why we (UT fans) are so depressed about a 9-3 season. Probably the main thing is that we fear that Mack has had the high point of his career and that high point will never be repeated.

While pondering that, it occurs to me that Mack aims for consistency (i.e. 10 wins per season) while fans would prefer two seasons of 13-0, 7-6 to 10-3, 10-3. Given that our pass D was so bad, why not play the young guys (rather than the seniors) at LB and DB and get them an extra year of experience so that next year could be better?

by Kafka on Dec 1, 2007 6:06 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

Thanks

I enjoy reading the schtick over on Barking Carnival too. I used to write a lot more like they do, but then I woke up one day and said, "why am I so angry...it's football, not cancer." So now I try to inject a little more humor into my writing by poking fun at our discontentedness.

As for why we're depressed about 9-3...

Started the year ranked in the Top 5 and sank from there

Recruiting Gurus told us we have the horses to win it all every year, yet we looked vastly overrated and inferior much of the time

Fear that Mack may have peaked and regret that he didn't get more conf. titles wins over OU in the past 10 years (we didn't get while the gettin' was good)

Lost faith in the coordinators and don't feel like Mack is willing to make changes

Probably most importantly, no wins over rivals this season and no big wins to speak of at all

It's sort of the "what will I tell my kids about 2007" factor. There's nothing to put be really proud of this year...the comebacks against NU and OSU were fun, but those teams were .500 or worse.

And when you think about Mack's tenure, I think this is the first year UT fans finish the season without something really good to remember or latch onto. Looking back...

1998 - Ricky Heisman, the rise of Major, big win in Lincoln and over a Top 10 A&M team

1999 - Big win at home over Nebraska, big comeback win over OU

2000 - Simms comes off the bench to torch A&M

2001 - As bad as the loss to CU in the conf. title was, we still had the farewell to Major Holiday Bowl comback over Washington

2002 - Big wins in Lincoln and Manhattan, destroyed A&M, fun win over LSU in Cotton Bowl

2003 - Not a good year, but we did put a huge as whipping on A&M in College Station

2004 - Rise of VY, Rose Bowl win over Michigan

2005 - Best season of our lives

2006 - Win over OU, the snow game in Lincoln

2007 - ?

Maybe something huge will happen in the bowl game, but I'm not holding my breath. I think to get any satisfaction out of this season, we'd need a win over a formidable SEC team in the Cotton Bowl and that's asking a lot.

Be nobody but yourself in a world that desperately wants you to be like everybody else.

by 54b on Dec 1, 2007 9:25 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah,

I don't think a Holiday Bowl against Oregon State is going to cure my depression.

Great writing, by the way. I just wanted to say that your posts are consistently well done, and they are definitely appreciated.

by BrooklynHorn on Dec 1, 2007 1:21 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Thank you.

Be nobody but yourself in a world that desperately wants you to be like everybody else.

by 54b on Dec 2, 2007 12:00 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Another thing from 2003

The amazing comeback, last second victory against Tech at DKR. That was definitely the most exciting game I have ever seen at DKR, and it was by far the loudest I have ever heard that stadium. It was a good night.

by Texas Our Texas on Dec 1, 2007 1:23 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

13-0 and 7-6 better than 10-3, 10-3

Good point. That is the way I feel. I don't mind a down year so long as it looks like you are re-building and learning and things will get better. But what is devastating are the 10-3 seasons where the team is playing good enough to get your hopes up and then they flame out toward the end of the season, like the last 2 years. And you can call me a fair-weather fan (although I've pumped alot of money into the University over the last 35+ years to maintain my season tickets), but I am among those who don't care what bowl they go to this year or who they play. In fact, I would be Ok with them playing U of H in the Texas Bowl. At least Mack would have a better chance of getting his 10-wins than against Arkansas, Oregon, or another PAC-10 or SEC team.

"Only angry people win football games." --DKR

by OBdoc on Dec 1, 2007 2:40 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

This Team

Has been flamed out since the beginning of the season (or rather, they flamed out at the end of last season, and have remained in that position).

At this point, I'm with you. I don't care what bowl game we go to. In fact, I would almost rather have us play U of H rather than potentially suffer a massive ass whipping by an SEC school, which every potential recruit will see. I would just rather have seen this season not be such a waste. While I agree that having a down season is worth it to rebuild and get back to 13-0, I honestly beleive that this season would could have ended up in the same situation we are in (9-3), while actually prepping for next season. Our younger guys are better than our seinors, and our backup quarterbacks are better than Colt. Our defense and offense could have been much better next year if we had only given them some time on the field this year.

by Texas Our Texas on Dec 1, 2007 6:18 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs