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John Kelso's Panties Are All Bunched Up

We should really just quit commenting on anything and everything that comes from the Austin-American Statesman, but hell, we're good for one more go. Today's gem comes from columnist John Kelso, who normally keeps his commentary to more "Keep Austin Weird" topics. Not today, though. Today, Kelso jumps on his high horse and gallops around and on top of Vince Young for not being Alex Rodriguez enough about finishing 2nd place in the Heisman Trophy voting.

Vince got his panties in a pile when he lost out in the Heisman voting to University of Southern California running back Reggie Bush. Instead of being gracious and congratulating Bush like he should have, Vince got his jock in a knot. He didn't party with Bush after the ceremony, breaking Heisman protocol....

...Here's a perfect example of what happens to young folks when you keep them isolated from the real world. Young might have been the only guy on the planet who didn't know he stood almost no chance to win the Heisman. Somebody should have told him. Maybe he wouldn't have had this hissy fit.

I can empathize. Ego is a powerful thing. I've got one, too. In years when I don't win anything, and God knows there have been plenty of them, I've been known to mutter things such as, "Damn judges always give everything to the Dallas Freakin' Morning News."

Vince, don't be that way. Drop it. Go out to Pasadena and kick some California butt. We don't care that you didn't win the Heisman. But we will find you if you blow it at the Rose Bowl.

Here's what you should have said, Vince. "I'd like to congratulate Reggie Bush for winning the Heisman. It's nice to see a Bush with an actual approval rating win something for a change. Now, when we get to Pasadena, we'll see who the real champ is. Hook 'em."

For people who behave like snot-nosed brats, I've invented this category of people I call AFNAR. AFNAR stands for Arrogant for No Apparent Reason. Vince earned his AFNAR rating when he didn't say, "Way to go, Reggie. Nice trophy."

Pardon me while I go vomit. This is the single worst kind of sports column that can be written, along with the lazy B.S. we're getting comparing the 2005 USC Trojans to any and every other good football team in the last century.

I'm sorry, but calling Vince out for "getting his panties in a pile" over not winning the Heisman trophy is the very definition of "getting your panties in a pile." Can you imagine if every athlete were as monotonous, gracious, and uninteresting as Alex Rodriguez or Cal Ripken. Not only would said journalists likely be out of a job, but if they were lucky enough to hang around, they'd be forced to do some homework and real reporting to find some stories. Sportswriters calling out athletes with strong words is biting the hands that feeds you in the most ironic and laughable way imaginable.

You know what, John? Vince Young is freaking competitive. He's so goddamn competitive that even when he's expected to finish second, he gets pissed off about it. It's why he's elevated himself, and his team, to the top of the food chain, instead of settling for mediocrity and doing something lame, like, hmmm... being a columnist for the worst newspaper in the country. For thirty years.

I'm all for good, clean competition, but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being upset when you don't achieve your goals. So John, get your panties unruffled, let Vince be competitive, and go back to writing columns about South Austin zoning referendums that nobody cares about. And don't even think about complaining when nobody reads you or your paper.. Just graciously nod your head and say, "I just want to congratulate Burnt Orange Nation for taking all our readers. Now that's one hell of an interesting publication."