College football bloggers have had fun with the BlogPoll Roundtables all year long, but they're roundtables in name only. We wondered what it might be like if some of the web's biggest football bloggers got together for a real roundtable. The first, most obvious, question is: who would moderate? We thought long and hard about Lee Corso (too many "Not so fast, my friends!" lines), Beano Cook (the mortuary never returned our calls), and Brent Musberger (insert your own Brent joke here). But in the end, only one choice seemed appropriately suited to deal with the diverse group of opinions at the table, and especially EDSBS's Stranko & Orson: ESPN's Bill Simmons. We're pretty sure this is how it would turn out...
Simmons: Okay, let's get started with a real roundtable here. We'll touch on canceled TV shows, Las Vegas, high school memories, and Boston. I've made a career out of those topics; I'm certain we can get a roundtable out of them. Oh, right. I guess we'll do a little college football, too.
Okay, first question. Bigger bust: Lloyd Carr or the Sonics' $33 million contract to Jim McIlvane? Brian of MGoBlog, take it.
Brian: Uh, I'm not sure about Jim McIllvane, but here's the thing about Lloyd Carr. He does all the things you'd--
EDSBS: Pardon the interruption, Brian, but come on, Sports Guy. If we're talking All NBA busts, how can you top Kenny Thomas' $50 million albatross with Philly? I liken it to ABC's Dennis Miller contract. That's just Esther Greenwood insane.
Simmons: Fine, but we're splitting hairs. We could also mention John Koncak, Vin Baker, or Scream 2. These are all the same guy, too. It's like that guy you knew in high school that made one great play in the big football game, then suddenly won prom king.
EDSBS: Vin Baker. Good idea for Moustache Wednesday.
Simmons: Actually, it was a goatee, but yeah, he always had that Porn Stache thing down. Speaking of which, you just know Vin Baker would be "third guy" in a porn threesome. You know the guy: he's the one standing there awkwardly while this girl totally goes down on the other guy and "third guy" is just sort of standing there, wondering what to do with himself.
Brian: But the thing about Lloyd Carr is that while he's not an ideal game planner--
Simmons: I just thought of something. Lloyd Carr has got to be one of the few guys in sports with not one, but two, occurrences of double-letters in his name. Two Ls, two Rs. Weird.
EDSBS: How `bout Warrick Dunn? God he used to torch the Gators.
Simmons: Don't forget Bill Simmons.
EDSBS: Or Bill Callahan. Do we have any Nebraska bloggers in here?
Simmons: No one cares about Nebraska anymore. Nor should they. It's like when Friends jumped the shark and Chandler started dating Monica. No one cared after that.
EDSBS: Speaking of Matthew Perry; does that guy not get kicked around like a goat at an Afghan tribal game or what?
Simmons: Oh, absolutely. He's like the guy that sits at third base at the black jack table and won't take a hit when he's supposed to. After the dealer destroys the table four straight times because he wouldn't hit, the insults start flying as you try to drive the bastard off the table. I think people have been trying to drive Perry off the screen for over a decade now. It's like Terry Glenn when he left New England. No one wanted him to come back. Anywhere. For any team.
Brian: If I may... the thing about Lloyd Carr that makes him both uniquely qualified and disqualified for the job is--
Simmons: Now that's a good column idea. Sports figures, or sitcom actors, who are both uniquely qualified and disqualified for their job. Drew Carey springs immediately to mind. In Carey you've got this guy who is the ultimate Cleveland "guy's guy" yet he's just awkward enough that you can't really - not REALLY - like him. You feel sorry for him, sure, like that guy in junior high who went to the dance by himself and asked every girl to dance but they were too immature and mean at that point to give even the courtesy dance (close cousin to the later-in-life courtesy date). But that's where it ends. There's nothing deeper.
So I guess we could say that Lloyd Carr is sort of the Drew Carey of head coaches. On the surface, he's got what it takes to run the program. But he's also just warted and awkward enough that you can't really like him and you don't really trust him. (Guys, you know how this works: it's Rule #14 of Bill Simmons Rules You Should Know About Dating. Never trust the somehow appealing, but deep down awkward, guy. He doesn't get many dates, so if your girl starts flirting with him, he'll pounce with no remorse. Trust me on this.)
Brian, do you have anything to add to that?
Brian: No. No, I'm afraid that I don't.
Simmons: Okay, next topic. Burnt Orange Nation, here's one for you. Is it me, or is Mack Brown just Billy Hixx all grown up?
Burnt Orange Nation: Uh...