Not Another Rose Bowl Diary


TX 0 - USC 0    
"Ohhhh, say can you see...LeeAnn Rimes." Wow, did she lose weight or what? Wonder if the Post Office will come out with a special stamp honoring her, and will they have a skinny and a fat version like they did for Elvis...okay, Sandra, flip it already, we're ready for some football, damn it.

TX 0 - USC 7    
Hmmm, a fumbled punt return leads to an easy score for USC in the biggest game of the year...where have we seen this before? "Oh, snap, it's Orange Bowl 2: OU Boogaloo!"    

TX 3 - USC 7    
Have you ever noticed how short the Texas kicker is? He's like the Mexican Rooster Andrews. From now on, he will be known as "Pino de Gallo."

(For those of you that don't hablo the Español, "Gallo" is Spanish for rooster and Pico de Gallo is a popular Mexican hors d'oeuvre. Is funny, no?)

TX 9 - USC 7    
"Hey Reggie, anything you can do, Vince can do better, Vince can lateral the ball better than you."

Sidebar: Why do USC fans insist on pointing out the fact that that replay failed to overturn UT's first TD because Vince's knee was on the ground when he lateralled the ball to Selvin? Do they really think that that one play determined the outcome of the game, or is it because they're pissed off that their own superstar laterals the ball like a bitch? Anyway, just asking.

TX 16 - USC 7  
Oh yeah, can you feel that, Trojans? We don't care if people do say you can last longer because you're less sensitive, the Horns are still coming for you.  

TX 16 - USC 10
Whew, just a field goal...wonder if Leinart thought he was back in ballroom dancing class when Texas defensive tackle Frank Okam was whirling him
around. Of course, picking up your partner and slamming him to the ground probably isn't one of the steps they teach in Matt's class.

Whoa, Coach Brown's got a Stage 5 Clinger...oh never mind, it's just ABC's Holly Rowe. But just to be safe, better get her away from Mack anyway. She
looks hungry and I don't think it's for a big story... And what's the deal with sideline reporters anyway, they never ask any hard hitting questions like, "Coach Carroll, does using Grecian Formula to protect your gray hair pose a conflict of interest with the boys from Troy?"

TX 16 - USC 17
Well, Lendale White scores easily and the USC offense appears to have "settled down" during halftime. Wonder if Snoop Dog paid a vizzle to the hizzle to mellow out the Lendizzle Whizzle.

TX 23 - USC 17
"I wish I could quit you VY" - Uttered by many a male Longhorn fan after VY's latest super-human touchdown run. We didn't mean it though. It's just
that in this harsh and unforgiving society, we feel uncomfortable with our forbidden man-crushes on Vince and look for ways to hide our obvious excitement over returning to Broke-Bernadino Mountain.

TX 23 - USC 24
Is Lendale White the one they call Thunder or Lightning? Who gives a shit, it's raining.    

TX 23 - USC 31
What's the dealio with Reggie Bush leaving his feet every time he scores a touchdown? I swear, I think the "epileptic acrobat" has become his signature Sports Center move.  

TX 26 - USC 31
After this game, David Pino, aka., Pino de Gallo (is still funny, no?) is either going straight into the Witness Protection Program or he's going to make a small fortune with an autobiographical children's book entitled, "The Littlest Kicker That Could."

TX 26 - USC 38
Does Matt Leinart wear jersey #11 because he's dyslexic...not that it matters, he hasn't missed yet this half. Now we're down by 12 with six minutes to go. Who will save us now?

TX 33 - USC 38
(Cue 80's Techno Beat) "We need a hero...We're holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night...He's gotta be strong...And he's gotta be fast...And don't look now, but we're only down by five." Vinsanity has officially broken out. VY just went into Jordan-mode and now we're in-Vince-able. Hope that's not just the beer talking?

TX 41 - USC 38
Holy shit, we just won the National Championship, now what are we going to do?" Fuck Disney Land, we're going to the White House.

Regardless of whether you were at the game, in a bar or just home alone on the couch trying to avoid a noise violation and a visit from the cops, if you're a Longhorns fan, you most likely just witnessed the greatest game of our lives.

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