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The Worst Column. EVER.

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If you're at your office, I beg you to close your door before you read this opinion column published today in the Daily Texan. Why? Because after you read it, you're going to break something or scream out loud. Thank God I printed the article and read it in the men's bathroom. I'm sure those outside thought I was passing a stone the size of Mrs. Kobe's ring, but no, it was just pure outrage. Before you read my commentary on it below, go to the column and read it...

Okay, welcome back. I hope you didn't punch someone.

Where to start on this piece of garbage? [Sigh]  We'll take it bit by bit...

The 2005 "National Champion" Longhorn football team apparently deserves a pat on the back, although I couldn't tell you why. Sure, winning a football game is an accomplishment - kudos.

First, why the hell is "National Champion" in quotes? Oh, wait, I know. To -immediately- tell the reader that you're a smug, condescending asshole. Good work. You've already alienated me.

But I am under the impression that this is the first national title we've won in 35 years. My question to the Longhorns: Where are the other 34?

This doesn't even make sense. The implication, from the way its written, is that one national championship isn't worth celebrating. Only 35 (consecutive) would be. Maybe he'll explain what he means. I'm skeptical, to say the least.

America was founded on an ideology of consistently outperforming our enemies and allies, not self-congratulation at the initial throes of success. Texas' 34-year losing streak brings to mind a similar struggle that America endured, and, thanks to the continuous efforts of our sage statesmen, ultimately routed: the Cold War.

Jack Kennedy didn't drink himself stupid on Sixth Street after making Khrushchev tuck tail out of Cuba in '62. Ronald Reagan didn't appear on The Tonight Show after devising the Star Wars defense program. No, the heroes of the Cold War recognized and appreciated the fact that defeating the Soviets would require diplomatic endurance and that no one success could ensure ultimate victory. Longhorns, take notice: We may have won a battle, but we have yet to win the war.

This is cryptic, at best, but we'll try to glean some meaning out of it.

So, because when America prevailed in the Cold War Ronald Regan didn't crack open the bubbly on national TV, Texas fans aren't to celebrate when they win a national championship? WTF?

Dude. Are you really going to try to make an analogy between sports and the Cold War? And even if we are to grant you your analogy, we did NOT win a battle but not the war. The war would be a single football season. Winning each game is a battle, and if you win them all, you win the war. The 2004 football season has nothing to do with the 2005 football season. Nor do the 1994 or 1984 or 1974 seasons. I'm going to vomit.

Truth be told, isn't all this celebrating a little un-American? I don't see George W. Bush throwing up the horns with regards to the Iraqi war, and I think democratizing the Middle East bears more weight than a 3-point squeaker on the old gridiron. If the president of the United States can exercise humility in the face of globally recognized humanitarian victory, I think a couple of jocks can limit their festivities to spirited locker-room antics.

What country are you living in? Switzerland? Celebrating isn't American? Did you see Detroit after they won their title? For that matter, if we're going to make the same mistake you are and bring world affairs into this, did you see George Bush swoop onto a freaking aircraft carrier with celebratory banners after the initial toppling of Saddam? What reality are you living in here?

The truth is, no one likes a braggart, and the fanfare that has accompanied our Rose Bowl win smacks of arrogance. A brash show of dominance is no way for a champion to act, and I should know - I'm a winner. In fact, just last week I was intimate with a woman whom most people would consider "out of my league." Did I call up my buddies the next day to boast about my exploits? No - I asked her for a ride home and humbly went about my business. Don't kiss and tell, Texas, it's not classy.

I got news for you, buddy. Winning a title ain't like scoring a hot chick. It's no secret that we won. Every sports fan in the country watched it live on ABC. What are we supposed to do? Quietly shake secret handshakes so that all that those that didn't see the game don't know who won? Pretend the game didn't happen? Solemnly nod and note to ourselves that the goal is not to win one championship, but to win 35 straight? Give me a break!

The point I'm masterfully illustrating is that our one big win is being overshadowed by our schoolboy glee. I can understand the desire to let loose a little - heck, I've been known to crack open a frosty while hunting down non-performers in my stock portfolio - but the merrymaking has been taken too far. We should be celebrating on a level that matches our accomplishment, and tossing the pigskin around doesn't warrant an all-out orgy of buffoonery.

Let's scale back the partying, Texas. If only one out of my 35 investments was making me money, I wouldn't be downing shots at Maggie Mae's - I'd be having a stern discussion with my broker.

First of all, the only thing you're doing "masterfully" is making an ass of yourself. And finding a way to use "merrymacking" and "buffoonery" in consecutive sentences. The difference between your portfolio and Texas football is that in the case of the former, no one gives a shit. And in the case of the latter, hundreds of thousands of us do. And just because you don't give a crap about football and don't have an audience for your personal blowjobs and stock reports doesn't lessen the importance of our winning. Or negate our right to celebrate it, however we damn please. So long as my celebrating doesn't impinge on your liberties, the only thing you need to do is step aside and go about your business.

This is the single worst column I've ever read in my entire life. I'm still so riled up by it that I'm barely thinking straight. Rather than go on and on about how awful it is, I'll open it to the peanut gallery. Have fun with this assclown, kids.

And in case you're wondering, Eric Seufert's email is ebs@mail.utexas.edu

--PB--