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The Worst Column. Ever.

Finally. A reason for me to explode. I've been way, way, waaaaay too measured lately. Restrained, really. Even in defeat, I congratulated the Aggies and Dennis Franchione for executing a masterful gameplan against the Horns.

And then this.

This... this... wow, where to start?  The following is a column written by a student named Eric Pederson for Texas A&M's student newspaper, The Batallion. The article is reprinted in its entirety, with my commentary inserted, as needed.

If you'd prefer - read the whole thing here before reading the chopped up version you're about to get below.

COLLEGE STATION, Texas -- Texas A&M quarterback Stephen McGee was so tired that he was throwing up. Play after play, he took licks from the No. 1-ranked Texas rushing defense. But play after play, McGee got up looking for more.

Unlike Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, McGee isn't sheltered in his team's offense. The Texas offense is set up to hide its weakness at the quarterback position. Rarely is McCoy asked to do anything other than hand the ball off, toss a screen or throw a quick slant.

No way. You're not really going to write this column, are you? You cocky, one-win bitch of an Aggie. McCoy is sheltered? From what? Being forced to run the option because he can't pass? As for your assertion that he just dinks and dunks the ball underneath, you clearly missed all the McCoy to Sweed bombs that McCoy's used to bury opponents this year. Like, for example, the first half 50 yard strike to Limas that he threw as he got absolutely killed by a Husker defender.

On the other hand, the A&M offense wouldn't move against good defenses without McGee's willingness to get out of the pocket and take tough hits.

I found it incredibly hard to believe that this wasn't satire when I first saw it. I had to check, and re-check sources to confirm that this was a real column. It is.

To any and all aspiring writers out there. Hell, to any and all aspiring lawyers out there. Do not argue this way. Do not assert a weakness as a strength. If this is your idea of a good argument, by all means - PLEASE - go into politics. This is called spinning, not proper argumentation.

A&M's offense wouldn't move against good defenses unless McGee ran the ball. That's because Stephen McGee can't pass the ball. This is what scouts call a "weakness in the quarterback." To assert it as a strength is just hack-tastic bullshit homer nonsense.

In comparison to McGee, it is obvious that McCoy lacks toughness. Both quarterbacks were knocked around on Friday, but McGee had enough left for a nine-minute, game-winning touchdown drive. McCoy wasn't able to leave the field under his own power.

More bullshit spin. McCoy came into the game injured with a stinger. What if we'd evened the playing field? Say, for example, we'd popped McGee with a stinger injury two weeks before the game. Now: ask A&M to move the football without any ability pass or run. I'm sure that would have worked out just great. Even our injured Colt McCoy managed 14 points (only 7 with the Collie-humping referees). I'm not sure the Aggies could have managed a field goal if McGee had a stinger. This isn't dehydration, douche bag. It's a freaking neck and shoulder injury.

Some attribute McCoy's injury to a penalized hit by A&M defensive tackle Kellen Heard, but such talk is nonsense. Imagine McGee in McCoy's situation following his third interception of the game.

McGee would not put himself in position to be leveled by a 320-pound defensive tackle. Instead of pouting like a schoolgirl with his chinstrap off and head down, McGee would have been downfield looking to take someone's head off.

Even if McGee was the recipient of a similar questionable hit, McGee would have had to be restrained from delivering a counter-blow to a man twice his size. McCoy just lay on the ground like a fish out of water.

Critics also like to whine about Michael Bennett's helmet-to-helmet hit in the later stages of the game. But such fans have short memories. Rewind the clock to 2005.

When McGee received a helmet-to-helmet clocking from Texas linebacker Robert Killebrew in the 2005 A&M-Texas game, the A&M quarterback got up, yelled in Killebrew's face and scored a touchdown on the next play. On Friday, McCoy couldn't get up after Bennett's similar hit.

Now you're just being petty and small, instead of just stupid. Colt McCoy "put himself in a position" to get brutalized on a penalty? Oh, yeah? How about if I and a roaming gang of angry Longhorn fans came to your home, broke your windows and beat you senseless with a lead pipe. Should we tell the judge, "Your honor, he put himself in this position. He didn't have bars on the windows."

You asshole. Is this what such severe insecurity does to you people? If so, maybe we ought to consider passing a state law that the Aggies get a gifted win more than once every seven years. Say, every five years. Just to keep you from totally losing your f*cking minds.

The hype around McCoy in 2006 has been nonsense. Sure his numbers have been good, but so would mine in Texas' cushy offense, which is by no coincidence catered to a quarterback who lacks toughness.

For the first time this millennium, A&M has the edge over Texas at the quarterback position. After four years of listening to Texas fans say former Aggie quarterback Reggie McNeal didn't have the toughness to be successful, A&M fans can now say the same about McCoy.

If McCoy is still the Texas starter in 2007, Aggie fans have to like their chances of winning at Kyle Field.

You're officially the most deluded human being on the planet, surpassing Kim Jong Il.

Practically sane.

Funny, though - y'all dress the same.