Dear Coach Barnes,
Hey! How's it going? I'm a big fan of the basketball program and watch every game, even though I'm not in Austin anymore. Listen, I want you to know that I think it's great that you've turned the program in to an elite one that churns out top prospects and fields nationall competitive teams.
With that out of the way, let's get in to the nitty-gritty about what needs to happen for you to get us over the hump and win that national title.
First things first: how's the iPod these days? Judging from the outfits you're wearing these days, I'm guessing there's too much Sheryl Crow and Beach Boys in there. I have a suggestion for you. Go find Mack Brown and download some stuff from his playlist. Get some Fitty Cent. Maybe some Nas. Something krunk. Something with, I don't know, a beat.
You look uptight out there, Ricky. Relax. Smoke a joint. Pound a forty. Talk about all those women you're seeing on the side.
And for God's sake, get a shirt with a better collar. My Dad's been carping for years about those "choir boy collars" you wear. Trade 'em in for something a little more hip and relaxed. Maybe wear a little bling. Or one of those gigantic clocks that Flava used to sport. I dunno. Lock yourself in a closet with Vince Young for 24 hours and just soak in some of his juice.
And hey, while we're talking, can you pass along a message to D-Gib for me? Tell him to take the concrete shoes off that he's using to plant himself outside the arc and go to the freaking basket. I know he thinks he's ready for The League and all, but to the rest of us, he just looks like another stand around shooter.
Thanks, Rick! And hey, good luck the rest of the way. Loosen up a little and take it to the top.