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The Five Tells of Mack Brown

By TBone Stallone

These are the very dick-on-your-forehead, easily identifiable 5 tells of the Mack Attack...

Any type of Hair Play

Not sure if the black 10 in his hand is call worthy enough to nip the pot; but he is Columbus on someone else's native land, this hand is red wool sweater heating up and Tressel just puckered his lips and mouthed "I'll show you mine," from across the sidelines.  Wiping his brow, Mack check raises with the anticipatory confidence of a pit-bull pacing towards an unluckily cornered kitten.    

Hands on Knees

Doesn't yet know he has the best hand, but is drunk with hope and getting weary of the Chan-after-him's inability to cope with a nickel raise, all while pondering how their blue wide out can maize his way through the Texas secondary for more touchdowns than Carr has facial liver spots.  


Perhaps tilted with expectancy over a crucial second quarter, 2nd and five play that he called; Danzaing Davis by pulling the "Who's the Boss" card.  Greg Monas the typical response,
"Mack, your instinctual draw plays sound about as sharp as Cher covering `Walking in Memphis.'"

Arms Folded

Uneasily secure, stoic cool, the classic bluff.  The "do I have pocket Chickenheads or should I double-down?" look, easily JHawks most scale overwhelmers into Nickel  cover four, defending on 4th and 20+...what's that...trip 7s on the river, good for 21 yards and the first down, sorry Man the Gina, we all have a dream buffet.  However the arms folding technique can be Narcissistically razorbacked in heads up competition by some Nutt, leaving on-lookers mocking why Mack doesn't play his untasted toffee 5star from Huston.

The Hand Clap

With the river Soon to come, Stoops has already normaned a Jack high flush, but Mack is still pining for his open-ended heterosexual draw.  Bluffing the tracks off an oncoming cargo train, Mack's slow hand Rudy clap applauds the short-arm fumble Wells Fargoed to the opposing team by a Young not quite as invinceable.  

One Half Earphone Raise

The nut kings over 3s boat, as if to say, "Greg, honey, stop nagging we got this one in the scrotum.  You want to get some Chalupas in an hour?"  This maneuver can usually be binoculared in the third quarter of most DKR games and all home games Beared in Waco.