Dear Sooners

After 10 years in Dallas, living at ground zero when it comes to TX/OU, I can tell you that you will never, ever get any satisfaction out of a verbal or written confrontation with a Sooner. It's like arguing apples and Orange Bowls...we're just too different. And that's okay. Let's just go our separate ways.

They have a tremendous football history and so do we, but for some reason, as neighbors and fierce competitors, we will never be able to mutually agree on that fact without trying to one-up or denegrate the other. So if you should find yourself staring at another inflamatory piece of correspondence from a Sooner fan hell-bent on making your life miserable, I invite you to take a deep breath, relax and copy and paste my pat response...

Dear (Sooner Fan),

I appreciate your interest in the great state of Texas, though your feedback regarding its namesake institution of higher learning is unwarranted, unsolicited and most certainly, doesn't become you.

That being said, I have nothing but pity in my heart for you. In fact, I pity all OU fans who wake each day to the realization that no matter how many titles you win, how many trophies you put in your Barry Switzer Memorial library and gun range, or how many times you tell yourselves that you matter, you will still have to retire to your doublewide meth-lab on the Llama farm as another burnt orange sun casts a relentless reminder that your entire existence is predicated on the futile pursuit of seeking acceptance from a group of students, faculty and alumnae who barely know you're alive save one weekend in October every  year. You truly are a self-loathing lot of fools.

So go ahead, give me OU's football resume for the 100th time. Tell me how Mack Brown wins in spite of himself and how he looks like an inept sheriff from a low brow 80's sitcom. And tell me what a bunch of gay, dope smoking Austinites we are and how our liberal town is on the precipice of moral turpitude. And don't forget to tell me again how easy it is to get into my alma mater and how worthless a diploma from UT is to the thousands of young adults who bettered themselves and actually contribute more to society than an upside down hand gesture...just tell me anything that will make your pain of unrequited admiration subside.

Then ask yourself what dignity there is in spending your entire life trying to matter to a group of people who think your home is a barren wasteland only John Steinbeck could love. The answer is none. It's a zero sum game and if you can't understand that, then all the incendiary correspondence in the world can't help you nor solve the conflict for which we are presently engaged.

Best regards,

(Your Name)
UT, Class of (Year)

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