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Come on down to the Big XII and Meet Some Friends of Mine

Howdy nation.  I'll be filling in for the great and illustrious PB and AW while they help underpriveleged children, help old ladies across the street, and basically act as standup gentlemen.  I hope I can pass your time until the big guns come home from work

Articles have been written comparing college football teams to characters from popular TVs shows in the past.  This time let's see how the teams of the  Big XII conference stack up with the characters of one of my favorite shows: "South Park"

Let's work from the bottom up.  Though the bottom is in a state of contest at the moment, historically the spot belongs to...

Baylor:

Kenny McCormick

In earlier times Kenny would get killed every episode; in earlier seasons Baylor got killed every game, but at least when they played in the SWC they showed up for every game, even threatening upsets to the larger programs on good days.  In season 4 Kenny dies permanently; at the outset of the Big XII Baylor ceased to be competitive for several seasons.  Now Kenny's back and he's controlled his knack for dying; now Baylor, under coach Guy Morriss, have beaten a few Big XII teams, including Iowa St. and Oklahoma St. last year.  Kenny/Baylor is still constrained from their full potential because of being stifled within his parka/still failing to beat...

Texas A&M

Chef

Remember when Chef was on the show?  Remember when Army would have been a tune up game?  Good times.

Oklahoma State:

Randy Marsh

Can be tricked very easily, sometimes so well that they'll trick others into thinking the same thing.  Randy was tricked by the Mormons and his whole family converted to Mormonism; Oklahoma State was tricked into thinking that Les Miles was a good coach and then got LSU to buy into it too, but Randy/OSU can also surprise everyone with amazing accomplishments.  Randy saved the town from spontaneous combustion and then global warming; Oklahoma St. beat Oklahoma two years in a row at one point and has led Texas at the half by staggering margins the last two years.

Colorado:

Towelie

Towelie was once referred to as the worst character ever, a point he conceded; Colorado lost by two scores to Montana State from the IAA powerhouse Big Sky conference, but there is hope.  After hitting rock bottom (getting fired from PF Changs/going 0-3 to start the season) Towelie saves everyone from Oprah's vagina and Colorado almost beat highly ranked Georgia in Athens.

Kansas and Kansas State:

Terrance and Phillip, respectively

A talented duo from an American backwater Kansas or Canada, recently went their own way Terrance/Kansas to get fat/hire Mark Mangino, Phillip/KSU to focus on something else for Phillip it's Shakespearean theater, for KSU it's women's basketball, but they look to be emerging back on the scene with their reunion/hiring new coaches.  Phillip/Kansas State has always been the more talented one, but one can't help, but look at Terrance/Mangino, because they are quite large.  "Say Terrance, do you know what our chances are of winning the Big XII North this year?"  fart  "Hahahaha."

Nebraska:

Eric Cartman

When the show started Cartman was what made the show; when the Big XII started Nebraska had won the previous two mythical national titles.  Now as South Park/The Big XII strives for more national relevance as a whole Nebraska/Cartman gets somewhat pushed to the side.  Don't get me wrong, Nebraska/Cartman can still do some pretty fun stuff.  Cartman ate a cave's worth of pirate's treasure and Nebraska beat Michigan, though the victory doesn't end up being as enjoyable as it looks because the treasure ends up being made of plastic and the victory was in the Alamo Bowl, but Nebraska/Cartman still holds relative mastery over...

Missouri:

Butters

Nebraska/Cartman historically has made Missouri/Butters their bitch, but Missouri/Butters is fighting back.  Butters kicks Cartman in the balls after Token's/the world in general's beat down of Cartman/Nebraska after they screwed Token and Butters out of more Christian Rock money, while Missouri has beaten Nebraska three out of the last five seasons.

Rounding out the North Division we have

Iowa State:

Stan Marsh

Iowa State/Stan has done some great things.  Stan found the Clitoris; Iowa State had Seneca Wallace, who I hear was pretty good, but Stan and the Cyclones both have one key weakness they have consistently failed to get what they want most.  For Iowa State it's a Big XII North Title, while for Stan it's a kiss from Wendy.  It seems inevitable at times that they will accomplish their goal this time, but always miss out because of they throw up on Wendy/lose to Kansas in overtime and everything goes to shit.

Texas Tech

Alphonse Mephisto

One mad scientist made a monkey with five asses, the other an offense with all passes, but we have found out that Mephisto has other interests.  Did you know that Mephisto is a member of NAMBLA?  That's right, the North American Marlon Brando Look Alikes.  Did you know that Texas Tech has a defense?

Oklahoma:

Jesus

Once a great religious leader, he now lives in a redneck mountain town and does a cable access show; once a great football powerhouse, Oklahoma can't seem to get back on top.  They've both tried comebacks:  Jesus on the millennial new year and Oklahoma with a national title in 2000, but Bob Stoops can't seem to recruit another quarterback capable of winning a title and Jesus, until recently, couldn't recruit anyone but mormons.

Disclaimer:  This comparison applies only to the character on the show.  I would never think of comparing the biblical Jesus to the Oklahoma Sooners.  Jesus probably could have beaten Oregon.

Texas:

Brian Boitano

In a town where no one asks what would Jesus do, despite the fact that Jesus lives there, Brian Boitano is the transcendent figure that helps people out of a jam.  He's so high above the other characters that he only comes down to their level when they really need him.  "And to think, we met the...Brian Boitano."

--AR--