Idle Musings From a Disenchanted Longhorn

What up Hornies?

Sorry for the lack of commentaries, but I've been bored and unmotivated by Longhorn football of late. So to catch up...Texas rebounded from the OU loss by thumping Gene's ISU team, sleepwalking by Baylor, and playing one hellacious 4th quarter to beat a beleaguered Nebraska team thanks in large part to the return of the Jamaal-Amercian (290 yards, 3 TD's, DAMN!)...and yet, Longhorn Nation still appears to be feeling pretty miserable. Ah yes, good to see I'm not alone and like my lucky gameday underwear, some things never change.

So why the long(horn) faces...I'll attempt to explain below. Read at your own pace...


Normally, when I want another human being to listen to me talk about myself I have to make a $20 co-pay and turn my head while coughing. But a few weeks back, I actually got a call from an aspiring author who was doing what I'd call "anthropological" research for a book about college football fans. Basically, he wanted to take a crack at explaining our Autumnal Pigskin obsession. And since Longhorns fans are some of the most obsessive compulsive disorderly fans around, he figured he better at least give us a mention in his book (no idea what the title will be, but I'm sure it'll make Amazon's Non-Fiction For Illiterates Top 5.

So for about three hours and more than a few pints of liquid honesty, I regaled him with stories of my life as a Longhorn fan. I told him about the times when my Dad would take me to Memorial Stadium back when the Astroturf was a nasty lime-green shade and the fans actually wore their Sunday best to games; about the mid- to late 80's when Texas Football practically became an afterthought because our profit sharing plan wasn't as good as what some of the other SWC teams were offering; about matriculating at UT and walking on to the team I so loved just to walk amongst giants (and get pummeled by them); and about filling the void once my playing days ended by living and dying with every victory and loss.  

As we were wrapping up the interview he said, "you've done a great job romanticizing the allure of Longhorn fandom, but what are Texas fans really like?" I wanted to go all Jack Nicholson, you can't handle the truth on him, but instead, politely excused myself for a trip the bathroom, which coincidentally is where I always do my best thinking. I returned and announced, "You want to know what Texas fans are really like, we're like a verbally abusive spouse." Stay with me here, this is bathroom stall-wall worthy. I call it my...


Longhorns fans like to believe we're entitled because after all, We're Texas,
We make no apologies for unrealistic expectations, only idle threats if they're unrealized

Longhorns love our team intensely, loathe it just as intently,
We find solace only in victory, contempt in defeat

Longhorns fans cheer like there's no tomorrow when things go right,
We bitch like there never was a yesterday when things go wrong

Longhorns fans are drunk with power when we win, yet soberly impotent when we lose
We actually drink ourselves silly in order to take the games more seriously

Longhorns fans prejudge without provocation, indict without justification,
We blame when we're in doubt, we ridicule when we're not.

Most of all...

Longhorns fans plead for Texas football to love us as much as we claim to love it, but,
We'll never be truly happy because we're not in love with a team, we're in love with an ideal

Truth be told, not all Longhorns fans are like this and perhaps many of you are nothing like this at all, but I can promise you there was a lot more than one burnt orange-clad zealot booing in the 3rd quarter of the Nebraska game last Saturday. Count me amongst the not-so silent and innocent. I don't recall booing, but I can promise you everyone in Section 29 heard me yelling, "GREG DAVIS, TURN THE PAGE" when the offense couldn't solve the Cornhuskers blitz package and, "AKINA, YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT LOOKING FOR THE REAL LINEBACKERS" when the defense was getting torched down the middle of the field by a one-armed QB with no fashion sense for head and arm-band accessories.

In the end, I don't know that we're all that different than other fan bases of teams with winning traditions when it comes to heaping unrealistic expectations on our beloved. After all, look at the smear campaign the Children of the Corn have been waging against Callahan and the former Nebraska AD the past couple of weeks. And Cornhuskers fans were supposed to be the cream of the crop. No doubt the demand for corn-based Ethanol isn't helping and the decreased supply of butt plugs for Corn Cribbers has caused a stinkin' in Lincoln.

Where this sense of entitlement comes from, I'm not really sure. If I had to guess, I'd probably blame it on the sensory overload caused by the 24/7 proliferation of all the media outlets pushing college football (TV, sports talk, internet, etc.) as the end-all, be all. Ironically, the people behind the hype know little more than those absorbing it and together, we've created an insatiable lust for winning a game based on conjecture. It's a forgone conclusion that sooner or later, we're all going to feel mislead, depressed, and let down. If I was Phizer, i'd be handing out Zoloft Spirit Sticks to colege football fans every Saturday.

Regardless, there's no going back, and if we're destined to ride this vicious cycle of Hope, Hype, Loss and Regret, we might as well embrace it (read: drink heavily). Winning is the only therapy we know and divorce will never be an option. For we are married to the Longhorns for better or for worse and no matter what happens on the field, the only thing we know with any certainty is come fall, we will always be back with open arms and full hearts.

Longhorn Football, gotta love it.

A couple of quick hits to fill in the gaps from the other two games:


Why was the embarrassing loss at home to K-State not inspiring enough to elicit a tearful, heartfelt speech from Colt McCoy and a psychological coaching ploy like, "we're starting a new season" from Coach Brown? Funny how those motivational gimmicks always seem to show up before games against teams like the Cyclones when almost all hope for accomplishing your seasons' goals are gone and a Holiday Bowl invite is on the line.

Nobody outside the locker room knows exactly what Colt McCoy said to the team to inspire them, but inside sources tell me that Colt promised he wouldn't shave his peach fuzz porn-stache if they kept winning. The rest of the team followed suit:

Jamaal promised to masturbate more often with both hands to build strength and fumble less.

The O-Line promised to wear name tags if Colt got another concussion.

Greg Davis promised to wear linen before Easter if his play calling got any more conservative.

Scott Derry promised to get corn rows if it would improve his speed and street cred.

The Secondary promised to grow two inches.

Duane Akina promised to change his title on his business card to Assistant To The Defensive Coordinator.

And finally, Mack Brown promised not to allow Colt McCoy to turn into a poor man's Chris Simms.

"While we were kicking everybody out, he (Baylor OL Coach Eric Schnupp) apparently thought that nobody was looking and whipped it out and pissed on the bar. He tried to deny it, but there was definitely a puddle and there was no one else around him." - Scruffy Murphy's Bartender Danny Severe

More shocking: How close the Texas-Baylor game actually was or the realization that there are bars in Waco?

I don't know but we better mark this occasion in song. So in honor of Baylor O-Line Coach Eric Schnupp who  recently resigned for urinating on a bar at Scruffy Murphy's in Waco, I'd like to rip off the tune from Cheers (slightly revised of course)...


Making your way in Waco today takes everything you've got.
Taking a piss sittin' on your barstool, sure could make a spot.

What if the bathroom's too far away?

Sometimes you can't wait to go...

Where nobody knows your name,
and there's no shame in your game.

You wanna pee where you can see, our bubbles are all the same
You wanna pee where nobody will forget, your name.

On to the...

A lot of people had the Oklahoma State game circled before the season started as a potential loss for the Horns due in large part to a Cowboy Offense which returned much of what had made it surprisingly potent the year before. But after anemic performances and losses to Georgia and Troy, a lot of pundits backed off their previous claims and one Daily Oklahoman reporter, as we're all well aware, went on the offensive calling out OSU QB Bobby Reid as basically a Mama's Boy and inciting the now famous Mike Gundy post-game tirade.

Since then the Pokes are 4-1 including an absolute stomping of Nebraska in Lincoln and a last second victory over the same K-State team that ran roughshod over the Horns in Austin. So Mike Gundy's early season QB swap from Reid to Zac Robinson seems to be paying off and with UT featuring a bend-but-don't-break-wind defense, Longhorns fans are justifiably concerned about this weekend.

If OSU has a weakness, it's definitely their defense, particularly their pass defense. They give up huge chunks of yardage and lots of touchdowns. Tech's Graham Harrell and K-State's Josh Freeman had huge days in Stillwater. Let's hope Greg Davis has better game plan heading into this game than he did for Nebraska. The Horns offense certainly won't have three quarters to throw stuff against the wall to see what sticks in this game.

As for the intangibles, this definitely reeks of one of those payback games where an opponent who has been frustratingly beaten by the Horns over and over again in the past, now has the horse to take out those frustrations on a Longhorn squad that's hurting. Regardless, UT vs. OSU has been an exciting game the past four years despite the each team's prowess, and I don't see this weekend's tilt being any different.

As for who will win, on to the...

Texas - 55
Still-waterboys - 54

Finally, my first road trip of the season (That's road-rageous). This Saturday, I'll be cruising up to Stillwater (It's just OK). Besides Oklahoma State University (OS-who), Stillwater is also known for its semi-world famous bar, Eskimo Joe's (NCAA demands the name change to Inuit Muk-Muk's). For a couple of bucks (Saw my pimp today), you get to choose from a variety of funky-colored plastic cups (Don't drop the tope) filled with beer that promises half the alcohol (3.2 on the liver scale) and twice the number of trips to the men's room (It burns when I pee). So if you're going to the game (Better Cowboy up), come on by and split a pitcher of beer (Obey your thirst) and a plate of cheese fries with us ("I can smell you getting fatter").

Pulled directly from Bill Little's Commentary:

"An old sage once told me speed don't have a bad day, and that would prove the undoing of Nebraska's gallant upset effort. They had had an answer for Texas' productive passing game. They had matched UT in the kicking game. They had blitzed Texas effectively, disrupting any consistent running game. But they had no answer for speed."

In other words, why outsmart your opponent when you can out-talent them. Now that's Texas football.


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