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54b's Commentary - Tech

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This is front page material, as always. 54b at his best. --PB--

TEXAS 59, TEXAS TECH 43

If the Big XII ever gets around to creating its own 24-hour sports network like the Big 10 did, I’m thinking a steady dose of post-game press conferences featuring exasperated coaches airing their grievances and waxing prophetic might just be entertaining enough to keep the upstart station afloat.

Seriously, who wouldn’t be glued to the tube as KU’s "Hungry-Hungry Hypocrite" Mark Mangino expounds upon his latest BCS Conspiracy Theory and OSU’s "40-Year Old Ex-Virgin" Mike Gundy proves his manhood/procreating abilities to the barren 4th estate?

Or course, no line-up would be complete without "One-Eyed Silly" himself, Mike Leach expressing his love for all things Pirate while accusing the refs of treason on the High Plains. And if time permits, we’ll have Nebraska’s lame duck coach Callahan explain "How To Lose A Job In 10 Games" along with a special insider injury report from A&M’s Captain Frantastic (though he may insist on doing it pay-per-view only).

Anyway, until Commish Beebe gets ESPN-XII ("the Doce") off the ground, at least we can always count on 1340 KKAM - Lubbock Sports-Talk Radio for another intoxicating edition of...

HOOCHSPEAK WITH MIKE LEACH

"Shooter Johnson back wit ya, and joining me on the Red Raider post game show is none other than, (hiccup), Head Coach Mike Lush."

"That's Leach you drunk son of a (beep), and I thought you told me you were getting off the sauce last week."

"Coacher, I did, I swear, I hadn’t touched the stuff ever since the wife ran off to Mexico with that damn water meter reader, (hiccup).

"Oh Good Lord, never mind, let’s just get this over with."

"Right on...well, that was quite a drowner, I mean downer...them Longhorns put it on our boys again somethin’ fierce today."

"Yeah, well, we put 43 up on them too, would have been more if the refs hadn’t screwed us, again."

"Damn zerbras (hiccup), why they always got it in for us?"

"It may be incompetence, bias, I don’t know. Maybe it’s something as simple as guys sitting over the water cooler at their office in Austin talking about the great game they’re going to see — and then perhaps a preconceived notion develops as to how it’s going to come out."

"Um, so are you sayin’ them radical hippies down in Capital town put the fix in?"

"Not exactly, but if you ask me if I’m condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I’m condemning the crew."

"Well hot damn, let’s get a rope. Which one of them bastards wuz it?

"I don’t know, but I think it’s disturbing that Austin residents are involved in this. People work too hard, too long, there’s too much money invested in these games to allow that."

"Don’t I know it, I bet the alimony check on you boys to cover and now the ex is calling telling me what for..."

"Don't butt in Shooter...And another thing, that replay system is a complete travesty. It’s a brother-in-law process to make officials look like they get the calls right."

"Yeah, my brother-in-law’s going through that process, he’s over at the tank gettin’ clean off the purple drank."

"Your brother-in-law is addicted to prescription cough syrup?"

"Shoot no, it was that damn antifreeze (hiccup). Caught’em snortin’ the Prestone the other day, no maybe it was Quaker State..."

"Somebody kill me now..."

"Hey, tap the breaks their buddy, it ain’t that bad. What do ya say we take another chaser, I mean caller (hiccup)...Char-lene in Muleshoe, you’re on with the Coacher."

"Hey Coach Leach, I saw you on the TV last night talkin’ bout breakfast. Are you hungry or somethin’ cuz if you are, you come on down and see me and the girls over at the Cracker Barrel on 84 and we’ll fix you up real nice with our Big Country Boy Breakfast..."

"Appreciate the offer, Charlene, but I was talking about the refs. You see, it's a little like breakfast - you eat ham and eggs, right? As coaches and players, we're like the ham. You see - the chicken's involved but the pig's committed. We're like the pig, the refs are like the chicken. They're involved, but everything we have rides on this. It was just a metaphor."

"I met-a-four at a bar once, so I drank until she was a ten, he-he, (hiccup)."

"I swear Shooter, you keep this up much longer, you're gonna drive me to drink..."

"Now you're talkin', I'll get my keys...hey, coacher, where ya going, wait for me...well, guess that's it for another round of HoochSpeak...as always, I'm your host, Shooter Johnson saying, rehab’s for quitters and if I’m lyin’ I’m buyin’..." - OFF

THE GAME
The Longhorns 59-43 win over the Red Raiders last weekend down in Austin was probably one of the most enjoyable games I’ve seen at DKR in quite a while. Both the fans and the team were in "the zone" from the get-go (for a change) and neither took their foot off the pedal for four quarters. Plus, from a stress level standpoint, Texas maintained a double-digit lead for most of the game which always helps with the nervous butterflies and beer farts. (Section 29, row 11 knows what I mean...."damn it, light a match.")

And while Greg Davis has been a convenient punching bag after the futile offensive first halves of the last two games, I would like to give the beleaguered offensive coordinator his due for putting together a solid game plan that kept Tech’s defense guessing which door the ball was behind all day. In particular, I thought GD’s play calling on 2nd and long situations (along with Colt’s improvisational skills) was the key to keeping drives alive because the Horns were usually able to leave themselves with 3rd and short situations, thus allowing for a variety of play calling options and forcing the Tech defense to play the run and pass equally.

As for UT’s defense, I just have to shake my head and wonder...is it coaching, is it inexperienced players or injuries, is it the scheme? All I know is this defense has lost it’s swagger. They seem to go out on the field each drive hoping to hold the opponent to a field goal when they should be thinking 3 and out and laying the wood. Allowing Tech to score on 3 TD drives of five plays or less in the 4th quarter is inexcusable and will often get you beat (Don’t believe me, ask OSU). If Akina and Mac Duff think a "bend but don’t break" defensive strategy gives UT the best chance to win, fine. But I can promise them that the "bend over and grab your ankles" defense will never be successful.

And finally, as for Coach Leach railing against the refs for what he perceived as biased calls against Tech...hey, I’d probably risk a $10,000 slap on the wrist too if it would help me avoid having to explain why I make millions of dollars to keep rolling out the same middle school flag football defense year after year.

Besides, a coach from Lubbock complaining about home cooking is the height of irony and hypocracy. Every Sooner I know still talks about the questionable calls on Tech’s game winning drive against OU two years ago that resulted in a 23-21 victory for the Red Raiders. Oh and as coincidence would have it, the official in the replay booth just happened to be an insurance salesman from Lubbock.

And to the level head Tech fans, I say good game and I’m more than willing to agree that there were a lot of difficult calls that could have gone either way, but I think the conspiracy theorists are reaching (and maybe trying to hide something too). After all, where were these biased refs when K-State was having a track meet at DKR a few months back. Could have used a well place blocking in the back flag then, heh?

Regardless, if you’re worried about UT receiving preferential treatment, I can promise you they’ll get nothing of the kind at the...

NEXT GAME
Aggie jokes and rivalry issues aside, I think I finally figured out why I don’t enjoy attending football games at Kyle Field in College Station: it reminds me of going to church. The Aggies congregate before the game but not usually to tailgate, only to walk reverently into the stadium. Once inside, they stand on cue and perform traditional chants and cheers throughout the game when signaled to by men down on the field dressed in all white. If you’ve ever been to a Catholic Mass, you’d know what I mean. I have nothing against going to church, I just don’t want to go on Saturday.

As for the game, who knows? The Texas team seems to have turned a corner while the Aggies seem to have run into a brick wall. A&M’s head coach will most assuredly be fired soon after the game next Friday no matter the outcome. But this is still a rivalry and players always play when pride is on the line, especially state pride. And in a college football year where we’ve learned to expect the unexpected, there’s only one thing you can count on, and that of course, is the...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION

"The Thanksgiving Song" (Adam Sandler style)

Love to beat Aggies.  Love to beat A-a-a-gies!!!

Love to beat Aggies cause it's good,
love to beat Aggies like a good Horn should,
'cause they're Aggies....they whoop....how rude

Aggies lost five, just lost to Mizzou,
Their offense stinks, so does the Wrecking Crew
Love to beat those Aggies in College Station,
Freshmen report to Fish camp for indoctrination.

Aggies like to stand all game long,
Texas is favored, Vegas can't be wrong
Aggie-faggie foo and Aggie-faggie fat,
A&M once had an LB whose name is Dat.

Thanksgiving is a special night,
If you yell TEXAS, I'll yell FIGHT,
that's RIGHT.

Aggies have a coach, Franchione is his name,
Can't believe Dennis told the boosters which players were lame,
Watching the game, drinking a Bud,
Can't believe Old Sarge looks like Elmer Fudd.

Offense, Defense, we just can't lose,
Some Aggie cheap shotted Colt and he got a bruise
Aggies on the run from dawn to early morn',
It'll never be over 'till Gabriel blows his horn.

Beat those Aggies - put 'em 6 feet deep,
Poor Aggies like to fornicate with their sheep,
A&M's uniforms are maroon and white,
Texas could go to a BCS bowl if they win outright.

Oh, Aggies in the corps are called the noble men of Kyle,
But they're about as close to real soldiers as Gomer Pyle
Gobble gobble goo and gobble gobble Gig'em,
I don't like those Aggies and I hope we beat'em

Oh, Texas loves to beat Aggies on Thanksgiving (+1)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Texas – 31
Take A Load Off Franny – 16

TAILGATE UPDATE
Kick-off for the last regular season game against the Aggies (excuse me, Agro-Americans) has been set for next Friday at 2:30pm (Woohoo, four day weekend). Unfortunately, I just couldn’t bring myself to attend another game in College Station ("Green Acres ain't the place for me"). But if you are headed down to Kyle Field (Frantasy Land) I can tell you from first hand experience that the A&M campus isn’t exactly what I'd call a tailgater's paradise (Prohibition conditions). I don't know if it's the conservative slant of the university (Righty-tighties) or it it's because the game is played the day after Thanksgiving (John Smith no trade fire water), but the Aggies ("whoop, there it isn't") just don't seem to be as into the pre-game party scene (tail-negaters) as their Longhorn counterparts (we drink spirits, yes we do, we drink spirits how ‘bout you). So if you're planning on tailgating (Thinking of drinking), I recommend you pack a cooler (Only the essentials: beer, jerky, cheese whiz and beer) and find a spot in one of the lots (The Farmer's Park-it) on the edge of campus ("Where The Wild Things Are").        

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Texas Tech Coach Mike Leach talking to an uppity reporter while he was busy going off on the refs...

"You don't want to be dismissed, do you? This is pretty good. This is about as good as it gets. Hang on to your seat."

All together now...

What would you do with a drunken raider?
What would you do with a drunken raider?
What would you do with a drunken raider, earl-eye in the mornin’?

Hook’em,
54b