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You Know, Stuff

From 54b

We've had a ton of interesting conversation flying around this I figured rather than carpet bomb every diary and post from the past few days like a dog roaming the neighborhood, I thought I'd just collect my thoughts, ideas, and inner most fears and spill my soul right here.

I welcome you to step out and walk around the ledge of my brain for a while...if you jump, I'll understand.

Things that make you say, "you know, I wasn't thinking that same thing at all..."    

  1. I used to think Colt McCoy and his "Malcom In the Middle" body frame was the most un-athletic looking QB I’d ever seen. And then I saw Chase Daniels. He has single-handledly debunked the stigma that chunky kids have to play on the o-line (I know you meant well, dad, but it still hurts). Anyway, Chase gives hope to bulbous faced kids like me every where. Though I heard when he scrambles, baby chickens abort.
  1. Did you read the DMN sports page today...why are so many parents of Sooners players in prison? And do you think Curtis Lofton’s mom and Adrian Peterson’s dad hooked up in the pen? According to the warden, AD’s dad’s nickname is also "All Day," but he totes a different kind of ball. In other news, VY's dad posted bail by selling his "super baby making" sperm on Craig's List. Unfortunately a turkey baster won't load it, you'll need one of those T-shirt cannons to inseminate.
  1. Is it just me or have you ever noticed how QB Sam Bradford’s eyes are set really far apart? Maybe it’s because he’s half Cherokee, half llama but I think if Sam’s eyes were closer together, he would have seen that Texas Tech linebacker baring down on him. My friend James said Bradford was the love child of Robby Benson and Bill Walton with bad acne.
  1. Did anyone else notice that when Mike Leach twitched his crooked goblin nose during the onsides kick at the end of the Tech upset of OU, DeMarco Murray blew out his knee. Coincidence? I think not. That sweet orb has power...well, except over referees anyway. Regardless, I'm thinking SI's separated at birth piece featuring Leach and Valdamort was justified.
  1. If OU wins the Big XII Title, I hear they’ll play Kansas in the Fiesta Bowl. I know what you're thinking and you're right, how the hell will Mangino muster enough moisture to keep the rice cooking in his jowls in those arid desert conditions? I don’t know, but if your his clipboard guy, you should wear a seatbelt.  BTW, best College Gameday fan poster from last Saturday at Arrowhead: Picture of Mangino’s head with a thought bubble saying, "Mizzou, get in my belly."
  1. Rumor has it that Arkansas and A&M will be playing at the Cowboy’s new stadium around the same time as TX/OU weekend. Can you imagine Longhorns, Sooners, Aggies and Razorbacks all converging on the Metroplex at the same time. None of those fan bases like each other and they all hate us. Holy shit, every hotel lobby, restaurant and bar in DFW would look like a scene straight out of Anchorman when all the news teams rumble...

Mack: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Akina: It jumped up a notch.
Mack: It did, didn't it?
Davis: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Mack: I saw that. Greg killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Davis: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Mack: Greg, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

  1. My Longhorn Foundation donation solicitation extortion email arrived today (read: Pay us or lose your season tickets)...frankly, I’m surprised it wasn’t a singing telegram from Mia Hamm and Nomahhhh. "Did you enjoy that 2005 Championship...I hope you enjoyed it very much." Love, Bill "the Fluffer" Little
  1. What I got out of Chip Brown’s Q&A newsletter this morning: The 2007 Texas Football season was a giant f*cking waste of time.
  • Team expectations/goals achieved: None ("We earned the right to shut the f*ck up")
  • Pre-Season promises kept: None (Except Akina breaking down and using Just-For-Men on his porn-stache)
  • Quality wins: None (But we're really good at recovering onside kicks)
  • UT Coaches on the hot seat: None  (SMU did take a flyer on Greg Davis but decided they didn't deserve another death penalty.)
  • Satisfied Longhorns Fans: None (Only Bevo got "fixed" this year.)
  1. While shaving with Occam's Razzor, I figured out why UT sucked this year...Duane Akina's defense got a false sense of security and prowess practicing against Greg Davis' offense every week..."Can't put my mustache on it coach, the defense looked good on Thursday." Is there any wonder Duane Akina is the leading candidate to fill the vacant Washington Generals head coaching job?

10) "Texas football players Andre Jones and James Henry were indicted Thursday by a Travis County grand jury in connection with an alleged robbery in July involving former Texas football player Robert Joseph. According to police, Joseph and Jones broke into an apartment in southeast Austin on July 27 and stole cash, cell phones and gaming equipment."

Let’s hope they’re acquitted because I don’t think any of us could stand the irony if the football team was given Nintendos as bowl prizes.

  1. Speaking of bowls...I took a straw poll of all my UT friends to gage interest in going to whatever bowl game UT ended up at and let’s just say, Dennis Kucinich has a better shot at the White House. Regardless, I will be there...just look for the guy wearing the T-Shirt that reads:

Longhorn football made me hate myself...hold me

And last but not least...a nod to baskeball (read: acceptance that football season has failed and the herd must move on to survive):

  1. Does Bill Simmons' Ewing Theory apply to Kevin Durrant and the 2007-08 Texas Longhorns Basketball team? Honestly, I can't really get into basketball yet, but I think it's all we've got...well, unless A&M beats us at that too. If that happens, I may have to cryogenically freeze my ego. I can only imagine at the Swearing-In Ceremony of Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense that he said something to the effect of, "If I can fix Aggie basketball, I can fix Iraq, bitches."

That's all I got, thanks for playing.

Stay classy.