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A Cooperstown Supplement

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Welcome to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame! We've undergone some recent changes to help visitors better understand the sport's history. Please refer to the following guide as you proceed through the museum, as recent developments have made record keeping all but impossible.

MUSEUM DENOTATION GUIDE

* -- Attached to records held by players alleged to have used steroids.

# -- Attached to records held by players who accumulated statistics before African-Americans were allowed to play in the major leagues.

^^ -- Attached to records held by players who scuffed baseballs in any way.

% -- Denotes that a manger was accused of stealing signs on at least one occasion.

@ -- Indicates that a player allegedly used amphetamines of some kind.

$ -- Player or manager may have improperly influenced the outcome of a game or series.

GIFTS UPON EXITING THE MUSEUM

(1) On your way out, please pick up one of our complimentary mirrors and mail it to your local Congressman. Feel free to include a note about how pleased you are that they're happy to pander in front of the cameras to the parents of the poor children exposed to all these evils. If you're feeling spunky, we recommend further applauding Congress' excellence in balancing budgets, managing wars, and avoiding scandals of their own.

(2) We also encourage you to pick up one of the free holiday cards at the exit doors and mail a note to Commissioner Selig, thanking him for mismanaging the game and its image. (Shouldn't he just run for Congress?)

(3) Finally, we hope you'll pick up a bag of the equine treats that we have in barrels outside the parking lots. You never know when a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou 'fan' will come galloping up on his high horse to talk about baseball's ills with you. We want you to be prepared!

Thanks for visiting the Hall of Fame of America's Worst Commissioner Ever Pastime!