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Alabama Stikes Back!

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BIRMINGHAM - Infuriated by what Governor Bob Riley called "predatory maneuveration against our brainpan talents" by state employees in Austin, the state of Alabama officially declared war on the Lone Star State.

The conflict reached a boiling point late Tuesday afternoon when University of Texas head football coach  Mack Brown aggressively began courting Alabama offensive coordinator Major Applewhite. After consulting with an emergency session of the state legislature, Governor Riley secured a formal declaration of war against the state of Texas.

"We will not stand idly by while our sovereign state's football thinking types is poached by foreign  invaders," Riley said in the declaration. "And since these are the only kind of thinking types who are one hundred and fifty percent un-gay, we will defend them to the death if necessary."

The bad blood between the two states began in early 2005 when Mack Brown hired away Auburn  defensive coordinator Gene Chizik to Austin. Tensions mounted two weeks ago when Brown repeated the maneuver, this time stealing Will Muschamp from the Plainsmen.

War, however, was not an inevitability until Brown swooped in on the state's namesake institution and its coaching staff. A source inside congressional deliberations last night said that unanimity on the declaration was only possible because Mack Brown had poached from the University of Alabama and Auburn.

"Without the Applewhite attack, this thing never happens," the source said. "Once U of A was under fire, though... Well, let's just say it was the Pearl Harbor of this conflict."