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54b's Commentary - Mizzou Recap/OSU Preview

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Forget “Colt McBoy” and say hello to “Dr. McCoy.” Watching the Heisman front-runner lead the Longhorns to a 35-3 halftime advantage – completely extinguishing any hopes Missouri might have had in regards to upsetting the #1 team in the country – was like watching a skilled surgeon perform a routine procedure. The “Good Doctor” and his staff wasted no movements, remained cool, calm, and collected throughout, and when a complication arose, dispatched it almost as if they’d anticipated it. A great example being Colt’s fumble recovery and subsequent 20-yard pass completion to fellow M.D., Dr. Cosby in the second quarter. Only Quan doesn’t deliver babies, he delivers pain.

With Texas on call, many a fool was made of several so-called college football experts who were “certain” the Horns would play complacent and lose in a close, hard fought battle. Can’t ridicule them too much though as few fans, if any, expected the 56-31 blowout that transpired only a week removed from such an emotional victory over then-#1 ranked Oklahoma.

Fortunately for all the burnt orange fans out there currently suffering from chest pains due to high anxiety, UT came out even more focused than ever to relieve the nervous naysayers. And a lot of credit for that should be bestowed on the coaches and their efforts in the practice week leading up to the game.

Undoubtedly many of you have already read the story about Coach Brown and his staff burying the game ball from the OU win to symbolize the team’s desire to put past victories behind them and more fully concentrate on the next opponent. Normally when I hear things like this I invoke Han Solo Chapter IV, Verse 2: "Hokie religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." But in this case, who am I to nerd out on Jedi Mack Tricks when it obviously worked.

In fact, I was to enthralled by this latest streak-preserving ritual that I decided to hit the streets (read: exploit Burnt Orange Nation) to find out what symbolic gestures, sacrifices, and down right crazy "sh*t" my fellow Longhorn disciples are indulging in to keep their beloved Longhorns undefeated.

Following are some actual responses from actual BONers in a little segment I like to call...

What Can You Do For Brown?

Dear 54b...

“Upon arrival at the office each day, I give Sooner-Boy (OU fan) the finger, vigorously expel gas in Tortilla-Man’s (Tech Fan) office and ask Agro-Maniac (A&M Fan) if his shirt comes in a men’s size upon passing his cube. - Mad Dawg’s Chain

Dear Gangsta: You are a beacon of hope in a world gone horribly PC. I’m going to assume your HR Manager is a 65+ year old Texas fan with a fierce disdain for political correctness or you were recently hypnotized into a blissful state of apathy by a shrink who keeled over and died before snapping you out of it. Either way,
Damn, it feels good to be a Longhorn.

“For this coming Saturday, my daughter unfortunately scheduled her wedding (during) the Okie Lite game, and out of state at that. So to compensate I will wear the same t-shirt (lucky Longhorn shirt from 2005) underneath my Father of the Bride tux.” - Horns757

Dear Flying Wronghorn: Married in the fall, that’s un-Texan. No wonder you had to leave the state. When the preacher says, “who gives this woman to be married,” I think you should look lovingly into your precious daughters eyes and say, “the same man who still wishes he’d had a football obsessed son instead.” That might make the father-daughter dance a bit awkward, but you gotta get some scene control or the next thing you know, she’ll be having a baby shower on TX/OU weekend.

“I wear the same shirt every single game until (the Horns) lose, at which point I switch shirts. I do not wash this shirt in the interim because then it would lose whatever mystical power it has. I did this the entire 2005 season. That shirt was pretty rank by the end of the season, even with the weekly febreezing.” - billyzane

Dear Phantom Smell: Malodorous emanations aside, I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief that you don’t own mystical underwear. I can only imagine what Provo smelled like after BYU went 7-0. Anyway, if the carpet deodorant isn’t doing the trick, I recommend rubbing dog poo on your shoe as a built in scapegoat should you be detected by some olfactory receptors.   

“I haven't cut my hair or shaved since the start of the season...I’m starting to forget what my chin feels like.” - jacobb23

Dear Castaway: You should totally tote an ice skate and a blood-stained football affectionately called “Wilson” around the neighborhood with you at Halloween. And don’t worry about your chin, Mangino hasn’t felt his, or seen it for that matter, since the invention of Malomars.

“I like to stay awake for at least 60+ hours in the time leading up to the game so I can pump myself full of caffeine and go into a dreamlike trance at the games. It doesn’t put the past behind me but it makes me forget a lot about what has happened and helps me scream until my voice literally allows me to scream no more.” - HornPossessed

Dear Eternal Sunshine: Just think, if you add vodka to your Red Bull-binge, your Lacunar amnesia will be complete, leaving your tortured soul totally unfettered to commit vocal suicide. (Side effects may vary, consult your bartender.)   

And speaking of the ultimate sacrifice...

“I had a vasectomy (last) Friday so I could be more like Bevo and spent most of Saturday drugged up and sedated.” - Bevoboy94

Dear Mr. Steer: When it comes to misguided fanaticism, I’d say you’re as committed a Longhorns fan as they come (or used to anyway). No doubt you’re the hands-off winner this week and I’m sending over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card that reads,
Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, 54b.

Perhaps the aforementioned (cries for help) could be construed as extreme, but let he or she who wouldn’t try the occult to inspire Colt be the first to condemn this behavior as rash or excessive. Less we forget the words of the great Crash Davis, journeyman catcher for the Durham Bulls, who said, “If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you ARE!”

So I say whatever all you crazy orange bloods out there are doing to bury the past and keep the streak alive, KEEP DOING IT. Because we’ll all be considering self-mutilation if we don’t win the...

Next Game

After dropping games early in the 2006 and 2007 seasons, I’d forgotten how bad the anxiety gets from week-to-week as your team tries to stay undefeated. And VY and the 2005 Longhorns didn’t face near the gauntlet of top ranked teams on the current Longhorns’ dance card. Next up to challenge Texas’ stranglehold on #1 is #7 Oklahoma State, a team that flown under the national radar for most of the season until upsetting then #3-ranked Mizzou two weeks ago in Columbia. And while we could burn a few paragraphs discussing the Pokes’ quite capable offense led by QB Zac Robinson and future NFL first rounder, WR, Dez Bryant, I really think this game comes down to the Longhorns exemplifying their team motto this year, “consistently good to be great.” It’s cliché, but it’s true. If this Texas team performs the way they’re capable of, they’ll win handily on Saturday. Of course given our past nail-biting experiences with OSU, anything’s possible. Hopefully this edition of Texas-Okie State is more like 2006 than 2007. For more on that, it’s time to tap the... 
Unpredictable Prediction

Texas 52
Save a horse, whip a Cowboy 28

Tailgate Udate

Kick-off against the Cowboys (Still-waterboys) has been scheduled for 2:30pm (Afternoon Delight). But don't wait (he who hesitates, alienates) pack a lunch (Mack Brown Bag It) and head down to the gates (Why yes, I am the Keymaster) on the north side of the stadium to greet the top ranked team in the land (Thinking of a number between 1 and 1) as they make their way into DKR (Darrell's House of Pain). Afterwards, head back to parking lots for a few beers (libation inspiration) and something off the grill (a veritable carn-upcopia) as the weatherman is calling for highs in the 80's and clear skies (the weather is here I wish I was beautiful).


“I heard T. Boone just offered Gundy and Co. like a million shares of Windfarm stock if they beat us.” - C4 from Houston

Probably worth more than his BP Capital Hedge Fund anyway.