No question about it, Boulder, Colorado is beautiful. As for the people who go to school there, well, that may still be up for debate. And I’m not talking about beauty in the superficial sense as in, "the local female population's proclivity for superfluous body hair is disarming." No ma'am, I'm talking about a lack of inner-beauty here, and more specifically, the local population's penchant for walking up to visiting fans and telling them to go fornicate with themselves for no apparent reason other than they’re wearing orange and didn’t get the memo about the “Gold-Out” that was affixed, ever-so-responsibly, to a tree with environmentally friendly string.
Admittedly, Texas fans don’t always “Make Us Proud,” and as a visitor to the CU campus and member of the opposing fan base it would be extremely naïve not to expect at least a modicum of eye-rolling ridicule and unfriendly banter from the Buffalo faithful. It certainly didn’t help that our travel party (four ex-frat boys) chose to pre-game in two of the most popular student hangouts: The Sink and some 3-story bar called “K’s China.”
Even still, it’s pretty ridiculous how far out of the way CU fans go to roll out the unfriendly welcome mat on the doorstep of such a bastion of peace and tranquility like the Rockies. Then again, their lack of hospitality only made the 38-14 butt- whipping the Horns put on their beloved Buffs last Saturday night all the more sweet. Before I morph into a walking contradiction, I will admit that after the first few preemptive F-bombs were launched our way, we didn’t exactly turn the other cheek, much to the chagrin of my single friends who were more than willing to overlook the laissez-faire grooming efforts on the part of the local feminine persuasion.
No sooner would my eligible bachelor buddies strike up a conversation with some CU coed than one of us married guys would swoop in with some smart, cock-blocking retort that pretty much ensured they’d be playing Stands with a Boner back at the (cabin) alone and Longhorns fans would always be unwelcome in Tatonka temptress territory. Fortunately for you, the intrigued and probably befuddled reader, their loss is your gain as I recount the...
Top 10 CU Coed Conversation Enders
(Sadly, many of these lines are actual quotes from last weekend...apparently you get drunker faster the higher up in elevation you are. Who knew?)
10) “If I said your body reminded me of a Flatiron, would you hold it against me."
9) “You must be from Texas cuz you’re the only girl here wearing make-up.”
8) “Much like your plus-size pom squad, I’m glad to see you’ve beaten bulimia.”
7) “If you keep drinking that microbrew you're going to be emitting all kinds of greenhouse gasses.”
6) “Did you choose CU because you can wear a sweater year-round here?”
5) “How ironic that you choose not to wear an over the shoulder Boulder holder."
4) “Don't let my Dances With Cougars nickname fool you, I do not age discriminate.”
3) “You know what they say about guys with big carbon footprints...”
2) “So, how long have you been hiding Ralphie in your armpit?”
And the #1 CU Coed Conversation ender is...
1) “If we do it in your stadium, can we qualify for the Mile High Club?”
After hearing all the pre-game hype and all the pundits making UT their shock value upset special of the week, I will admit that I was a little nervous about the game. That is until the guy next to me at the bar mentioned that CU lost six of their offensive linemen for the season and they were starting a converted tight-end at tackle. Translation: Paging, Mr. Orakpo, can you pick up a courtesy can of whoop ass?
Poor Cody Hawkins was running for his life all night long and about the only person who got in UT’s way was the genius who put a yellow t-shirt in every seat in the student section. Their little “gold-out” turned into a flag parade as t-shirts rained down on the field after just about every play in the first half. And did the Public Address announcer ever say, “Hey, Hanes tossers, keep doing it and the refs will throw a real penalty flag on the Buffaloes? Of course not. That would be too much to handle for their half-baked brains. Then again, who cares. The Horns won the Alternative Burger Bowl handily, and despite never completing a pass over 10 yards and finding new ways to avoid converting short yardage situations with our futile running game, I’m even more optimistic than ever about the...
Red River Rivalry
(Note: I posted this experiential look at the rivalry earlier this week on the BON, but just in case you're still having trouble getting your head right with ball, go ahead and click on it.)
So how do we beat OU anyway?
I’ll spare you any further paralysis from analysis except to say that I haven’t heard too many pundits mention OU’s kicking game. The Sooners aren’t exactly featuring Uwe von Schamann at place kicker these days, and if the Horns' defense can prevent Bradford and the OU offense from scoring from 50+ yards out and force them to trade touchdowns for field goal attempts, UT may be able to keep it close long enough for McCoy and the Longhorns’ offense to put some significant points on the board. And as always, the nice thing about the Red River Rivalry is that the higher ranked team doesn’t always win and anything can happen. Thankfully, we don’t have to wait until tomorrow to find out who’s going to win, we have the...
For those of you in need of sign inspiration for ESPN GameDay, which will be broadcast from the State Fair Saturday morning...
Rule #76 – No Excuses, Play like a Muschampion
Bob Stoops plays on the LPGA
Bradford chose Palin as his Hesiman running mate
Ask not what Brown can do for you
Oklahoma's state tree is the telephone pole
You can't spell C_CKS_CKER without OU
Texas 31, OUch 28
Tailgate Update (State Fair Edition)
For the fourth time in seven years (57% of time it works every time), Texas and OU enter the Red River Rivalry (Ass-Hatfields vs. McCoy’s) ranked in the top five ("it was honor just to be nominated"). Apparently somebody finally told the Cotton Bowl (Dallas City Council's Not-So-Extreme Makeover) it could use a little more capacity and now it seats 90,000 (Urinals sold separately). For those of you (Burnt Orange Dough-Nation) who were fortunate enough to have procured a golden ticket (to Willy Muschamp’s Knock the Chocolate Out Of Those Mother F*ckers Factory), here are six simple edicts to help you enjoy your time there (Tenets to win it):
1. Kick-off's at 11am (For a Top 5 match-up?), so try to get to the fairgrounds before 9am (TiVo the Smurfs)
2. Find a parking lot (pave the way), don't park in some questionable dude’s front yard (your car won't be the only thing on "grass")
3. Put your wallet in your front pocket ("Carnies got little hands")
4. Upon entering the fair (rub your ass with salt and head to the petting zoo), buy coupon tickets immediately so you can get a beer (obey your thirst) and a corndog ("I can smell you getting fatter")
5. Get to your seats early (Squatters rights), the stadium corridors are narrow (like your urethra) and get extremely crowded ("Show me on the doll where the bad Sooner touched you")
6. If a flask is a must (I'll drink to that), then replace the cleaning solution (It’s so hard to find good help) in your contact lens bottle with a clear liquor (Oh Captain, my Morgan).
Add in a little sunscreen (SPF-OU), drink some water every now and then (He who hydrates, urinates), and try to remember, it's still just a game ("It's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get").
Quoteworthy (Overheard in Boulder)
“Why does Bevo just stand there? At least Ralphie runs with the team.”
“Because it would take a hell of a lot more than eight frat hippies to get Bevo from one end of the field to the other.”
“I wish we were more like McCoy and Shipley...I need more Bromance in my life.”
“Congratulations on your ‘gold-out.’ We pretty much have an orange-out every week, we just don’t have a dorky name for it.”
“Boulder is so tree-hugger. I mean just look over there, is that a peace rally?”
“No, dumb ass, that’s a bus stop.”
“Dar-rel Scott...Dar-rel Scott...Dar-rel Scott...”
“Beat OU, Beat OU, Beat OU...”
“Man, I’d give anything to beat OU this year.”
“Yeah, I’m not saying I’d give my left nut, but I might encourage my right one to push it out of the nest.”