Seeing how it's Christmas Eve for hoops junkies and because I know so many of you found my public restroom exposé so enlightening, I thought it only appropriate that I provide some sage advice to the bewildered BON reader who's waiting until the last minute to fill out his or her office pool bracket.
Unfortunately, my college basketball acumen rivals only that of "Rasha" the prognosticating pachyderm and I'm afraid I'm only able to advise you on which teams NOT to pick. Sure, it's a little like using the Socratic method to devise your last minute Christmas shopping list but with me, at least you don't have to pay extra to expedite shipping.
Anyway, if any of the following applies to a team you're considering taking to the next round, chances are good you can and should cross them off of your "Big Dance" card:
- The team must travel across three timezones to play their opening round game thus subjecting its players to airline food and maybe even some nocturnally amorous passengers.
- The team is often referred to as the "Fave Five" because they were highly recruited and appear in the head coach's unlimited cell phone plan.
- The school's name is either derived from a combination of diametric points on a compass or named after a scandalous TV preacher.
- The team's starting point guard is actually a werewolf with unbelievable basketball skills...unfortunately, he refuses to change into "the Wolf" during the game for ethical reasons.
- Ken Pomeroy scraps the Pythagorean Theorem in favor of the Law of Diminishing Returns to calculate the team's expected winning percentage.
- You have to go to Wikipedia to look up the school mascot's relevance and when you do, it reads: (See Claustrophobic Marsupials).
- The team's SOS actually got stronger after they played the School For The Blind because the SFTB had a higher field goal percentage.
- Due to budget cuts, the school's band consists of just two electric keyboardists who play nothing but Duran Duran covers.
- The last time the team cut down a "net" was when they helped the lunch lady avoid messing up her new perm.
- The school turns out some of the best Urologists in the country and the students are often heard chanting, "Go Peay!"
That's all I got...good luck with your picks and enjoy the next two days of sports-filled bliss.