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You know, stuff...

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"You know, stuff..." is my new weekly Friday feature which may or may not make you laugh, may be totally sports or Longhorn unrelated, and may even cause a drop in site traffic...but I'm willing to take that chance because well, I can. So onto the first edition of...

You know, stuff...Duece Dropper Edition

So I’ve got a friend who owns and operates a restaurant that was recently voted as having the "Best Public Bathroom in DFW" by the Dallas Observer. And while that ambiguous distinction may just be a not-so-subtle way of saying, "you’re in luck when the #5 Blue Plate gives you the #2 blues," the real question here is how in the hell does one determine Public Shitter Superiority?

It’s time for Toilet-Talk boys and girls, so pull up a stool and let’s shat a while...

Click here for the rest of this story.

Some basic crapper criteria to begin the discussion...

  1. The Commode – The toilet itself should be of ample size; not too big that your feet dangle above the floor and not too small that you feel like you're going on a bombing run to destroy the Death Star. The lid should be made of something solid and heavy, a raw material perhaps, just NOT PLASTIC. Nothing is worse than dismounting from the crapper only to have the light-weight plastic seat sticking to your ass and then execrably crashing back down announcing to the rest of the world that you just shit so hard you worked up a sweat punching it out .  

Also, the flusher should not be hidden or one of those automatic kinds, it should be readily apparent and easily accessible for courtesy flushes and it shouldn't take six weeks to go silent again.  Plus, it should get the job done in one flush.  Some guys are proud when they beat the flush, but if the Bundy 5000 can't get it down on the first try, send that sucker back, Al would...cuz some works of art just weren’t meant to be admired.

  1. One Toilet Per Stall/Restroom Please – That combination commode and urinal side-by-side thing makes me tense. Defecating is not a team sport. It's man vs nature, not man vs. man. The sides of the commode should always be at least two feet from the nearest wall in case you need to achieve maximum butt cheek spreadage after a night at the cheese factory or want to avoid any toe tapping Senators with a wide stance in the Minneapolis airport bathroom. That being said, the toilet should never be too far from the toilet paper roll...you don't won't to pull a groin muscle reaching for the TP. Most of our digestive systems don’t give us enough time to stretch first before the whistle blows.
  1.  The Toilet Paper – I can't "stress" this one enough: Anything less than two-ply and you might as well use your hand. Scented and printed is permissible, but no really unusual designs and certainly no wording or funny characters (unless you’ve got Poops On Stoops TP).
  1.  Ambient Temperature – The temperature in the bathroom should never be higher than 68 degrees. That may seem a bit cold at first but nothing is worse than having a bead of sweat run down your butt crack. Most of you know what I'm talking about. The more porcelain surrounding crapper the better and no bright colors. We're trying to achieve a relaxing, antiseptically cool environment here, not a ride at Six Flags.
  1.  Reading Material –  Nobody likes to feel rushed. But let’s all agree to avoid crossword puzzles or word jumbles. Besides, nobody should be doing their business with a sharp object in one hand. One thing leads to another and you're headed to the ER to explain to Dr. Jelly Finger how you impaled yourself with a No. 2 while doin' #2.  Not pretty and I don't imagine if feels too good either. Oh and please don't leave the sports page for the next guy...I know it seems like the "eco-friendly" thing to do, but that's just nasty.
  1. Accoutrement – There should be no mints, ribbed condom dispensers, two way mirrors, deodorants, body sprays, or anything else you’d find for sale at Sexy Larry’s Quickie-Mart. and what the hell is up with that blue liquid they put those combs in? None of that either.  And if your establishment is just so hoity toity that you absolutely have to have a men’s room attendant on hand to demand a dollar just to hand you a towel, he should at least be blind or a midget. That's creepy anyway, who covers for him when he needs to take a shit break?

Update [2008-3-9 11:16:43 by 54b]:: Let's have some dividers between urinals, nobody likes getting hit with friendly fire (read: remnant piss splash back from one urinal over).

Also, very secure locks or fasterners on the stall doors aren't just nice, but a necessity. Few things are as uncomfortable as getting busted in on by a coworker while you're in the middle of flagrante-defacato.

That’s about it unless you want to put a flat screen on the stall door or a place to hang your pants, but then that’s just showing off and encouraging people to sit on the can so long their butt cheeks fall asleep.

Okay let'em rip...feel free to chiime in with your own suggestions. Public Restroom horror stories welcome as well.

Have a good weekend BONers,
--54b--

Be nobody but yourself in a world that wants you to be like everybody else.