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Narrative, Smarrative

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's all this "wait 'til 2009 talk?"

"Ohhh, I don't want to be a Longhorns fan anymore...I want to go burns when I pee...every day since Vince left has been crappy...yeah, maybe we can play some other season, 08's going to be a real drag and besides, the Big XII Championship's overrated anyway...what do you think?

I’ll think I'll let Clark W Griswold  tell you what I think...

“I think you're all f*cked in the head. We're twelve games from the f*cking fun bowl and you want to bail out! Well I'll tell you somethin'. This is no longer a football season. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much f*cking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our god-damn smiles. You'll be whistling 'The Eyes of Texas' out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a Longhorn. Praise Bevo! Holy Shit!”

Peebs, I don’t even know who you are anymore. Where’s the 1960's missing Partridge Family member coifed Peter Bean pole in Red Wings I used to know who never said die even when the girl he was hitting on introduced him to her new born at the Holiday Bowl? What, too much information. Hell, we're just getting started. 

I’ll file an open records request with the Vatican if I have to because I think Notre Dame Law School has fried your brain? I know you don’t want to talk about it, but please point to the place on the doll where Charlie Weiss touched you? With enough drugs and puppet therapy, we can get passed this. Hey, just because the God Squad took it in the rectory in last year doesn’t mean it has to happen to us. Don't be a victim, a statistic, or an excuse, be a Texan.

You want to talk about a daunting schedule, well then let’s talk about it...

Florida Atlantic – Are you shitting me, is that even a school? What’s their mascot, a Greyhound Bus? And besides, how is Schnellenburger going to coach if he’s sharing a liver with Eddie Sutton? Howard had a perennial sunburn on his nose and a bowl full of jelly before he went to Florida. One more shot of pepermint schnapps and he gets inducted into the Mall Santa Hall of Fame.

UTEP – Whose brilliant idea was it to give Mike Price a coaching post this close to Boy’s Town anyway? That’s like asking Larry Eustachy to chaperone a Tri-Delt Date Dash. How is Miner Mike supposed to come up with a winning game plan with X’s and HO’s on his mind?

Arkansas – No Houston Nutt. No Mitch Mustain. No Gus Malzahn...and no Big Toe - Darren McFadden. When they run the Wildcat offense now, the center might as well snap it directly to himself. And fuggitaboutit, once Bobby Petrino finds out he can get Pineapple on his Papa John’s Sampler for no extra charge, he’s gonna make a bee line back to Louisville. 

Rice – As long as we’re not starting Riley Boening at QB, we’ll be just fine...what, too soon?

Colorado – Truth be told, I do fear the Hawk and his off-season vacation policy...only one week after finals for the players and then it’s back in the weight room. Heartless bastard. Still, after we get done with Scott, Hawkins will be yelling, "Hey Darrel, this is Division 1 FOOTBALL, go play iIntramurals brother with Eric Bienemy and the rest of the doped up Ultimate Frisbee champions.

Oklahoma – According to TMZ, Sam Bradford is spending all summer reprising Corky’s role in the Cohen Brother’s latest feature length film, Life Goes On – The Movie. I think Magic Johnson is going to be his forbidden love interest, but don’t quote me on that. Anyway, Bradford’s going to be rusty from the time away and who’s he going to throw the ball to anyway...Julio Iglesias running a Spanish Fly pattern? Please. I don’t think so. Plus, Phil Loadholt’s butt interned at the Waffle House this summer and even though it gets him 3 hours of credit towards his Gastronomy Degree, he’s gonna be slow off the block leaving Sammy’s blindside open for Mr. Playboy All-American Orakpo’s haymaker.

Missouri – What you don’t know is Chase Daniels has been on Double Secret Scholarship at Texas this whole time. Right before kick-off, Greg Davis and Chase’s dad are going to pretend to scuffle over some comments Davis made to reporters about Chase’s vertically-challenged, limp wristed throwing style. But then, just before throwing down, they’ll hug it out as Chase drops to the ground “faking a season ending injury just as the medical red shirt and transfer papers are signed. He’ll start for the Horns in 2010, mark it down.

OSU – Mack Brown lose to Okie State? Not even if we spot the Cowboys 40 points and Suzanne Haliburton claims she has a bigger dick than Mike Gundy in 3" type on the front page of the Statesman .

Texas Tech
– Hey, no doubt Lubbock is a desolate, post-appocolyptic wasteland...not to mention a tough place to play. But I ask you, who run Barter Town? Will Mushchamp, that’s who Mother F*cker. If there was ever a game for Will Muschamp to make another YouTube Instant Classic, this will be it. He’s gonna be more fired up than Mike Leach on dollar rum drink night....Rrrrrrr.

Baylor – Bye-Week

Kansas – The Jayhawks may be able to Rock the Chalk, but they can’t walk the walk because Mangino was recently forced to coach from the sideline with assistance from one of those grocery cart Rascals he stole from Kroger’s.

A&M – Sing with me...

Oh, Aggies in the corps are called the noble men of Kyle,
But they're about as close to real soldiers as Gomer Pyle
Gobble gobble goo and gobble gobble Gig'em,
I hate those Aggies and I know we’ll beat'em

Oh, Burnt Orange People like to beat Aggies on Thanksgiving.

So there you go, 12 and O. No sweat. What, not convinced yet...all right, I didn’t want to have to go here, but you give me no choice.

Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? (Forget it, he's rolling.) Wasit over when Mr. T beat up Rocky and made him do uncomfortable man-love
scenes on the beach with Action Jackson? Was it over when my Atari 2600 was declared Y2K incompatible? Was it over when my parents dropped Cinemax from our Cable subscription and I had to resort to the Sears Lingerie Catalog? (Don’t judge) Was it over when Charlie gave the Everlasting Gobstopper back to Mr. Wonka? Hell no it wasn't over.

(Begin slow clap sequence.) It's not over until we say it's over.

Tell that fat lady to take five. I know you're hurting.  Maybe you feel alone, perhaps abandoned or unloved. But you got to hold on for one more day, things will go your way, and if they don't, there's always the YMCA. Hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go out and find some little nerd and whip his ass just for the hell of it.

Because "We're Texas" damn it, and everything's bigger and more expensive down here. So you just wave those Horns in the air and wave them like you
just don't care because all we have to fear is reruns of Fear Factor and no I won't go gently into that good night because I don't take shit from nobody, or wooden nickels either and I don't care if Stoops comes back from outer space with that look upon his face, I will survive.  I will survive and so will you damn it.  I don't care if it takes all night, I want to see four passes before you shoot and for the love of good Scotch, don't let me catch you watchin' the paint dry.  Just win baby.  Just win.

Winning isn't every thing, it's the only thing that helps the medicine go down. So swallow your wounded pride and your gum if your chewing some and go
out there and give me 110%, at least half of the time.  It's go time.  It's show time. It's magazines for shin guards, 3/4 inch Spot-built cleats, eye black all over your face, big disgrace, kickin' ass all over the place time.

So show me how to paint the fence, sand the floor, and fuck the dishwasher Daniel-son, and when the breaks are hitting the boys, tell them to go out there and win one for the stripper. Holy shit, pass me the Pepto.

2008 starts now...Jump on the Longhorns Fanwagon cuz we're going streaking. 12-0, who's with me?